Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
I am sure lots of you have found yourselves in the same position as I am...but, I would really appreciate your ideas and opinions.
I had a child with my (then) partner 8 years ago. It wasn't a great relationship and we split up as soon as my son was born. It quickly became apparent that, as far as our child's care was concerned, I was surplus to requirements. Contact with my child was stopped as my ex-partner deemed me not fit to be a father. Ok, to have a child with when we were together......unfit when we split up.
Anyway, I was a committed father and was never going to walk away from my child. I quickly started court proceedings and eventually a contact agreement was put in place and I was granted 2 nights overnight access. Access was discussed in court as having to happen on my days off. My days off changed weekly back then and it was stipulated in the agreement that I let my childs mother know well in advance of my days off. For years this sort of worked and eventually my job changed and I was able to say with some longevity that my days off would be a Sunday/Monday. So this has been my contact days for a considerable time.
There is NO communication between us in the last 8 years. I pick up and drop off and there is minimal chat at the door. Until recently I believed when she said I had no right to question his schooling, dentistry.....any aspect of his life really. I recently (unbelievable i'm sure) only realised that I had equal parental responsibility and tried to become more active in his schooling etc. This has not gone down well with his Mum. But, I really want to work at some sort of co-parenting now that my child is getting older and more aware that his life is different to the one his brother has. (I am now married with a 3 year old.)
Anyway, I digress, at the start of this Summer my job role changed (out of my control, if I want a job I have to do as i'm told) and I informed my childs mother that my days contact would need to change to a Saturday/Sunday. Well, all [censored] has broken loose again. She has stopped any communication with me. I either take him on the Sunday/Monday or not at all. Through me talking directly to her lawyer I have managed to get him a Saturday/Sunday one week and a Sunday/Monday the next week.....well I cant take him on the Monday. So I have started missing out on this day. A breach of our court order I think.
The advice I require is....where do I go from here? I absolutely can't take my boy on a Monday. We live an hour away from him so I physically cant get him to school, get to work and then get back to get him. His mum states she must have him on a weekend day to get "quality time" with him.
I have stated to her lawyer that I consider her having him 5 days a week plenty quality time. In fact I have offered that I take him the 5 days and give her every weekend with him.....that was ignored. I have offered mediation so that we can start communicating again that has been ignored. I am now out of my depth talking to them, they have strung me along all summer. I asked for summer holiday contact (In my court order I am allowed 4 weeks holiday with him per year....never been granted that by her once.) they ignored all my letters/emails until the holidays were over!
I have this court order and it seems that they have no respect for it?! And it seems (to me) that it wasn't worth the paper it was written on if it can't be enforced. Back when my court ordered contact was agreed, Legal Aid was still available to Dad's....now it's not and financially I am not in a position to get a lawyer to do all this for me. There is minimal free advice available anywhere....what do I do?
I can't comment on Scottish law as I'm not familiar with it, however, the principles in the eyes of a court will remain the same.
Usually a court would order that the child needs some quality weekend time with both parents and suggest some midweek contact as well. I'm guessing with the distance that this is something that might not be possible? Would you be able to go over and take him out for tea after work / school one night a week for example? The other option with distance is to order a larger portion of school holidays? In England you can apply to enforce an order if it's not being adhered to, like in the case of you not being given holiday time.
I would suggest looking up Families Need Fathers Scotland as they will be able to point you in the right direction. Unfortunately, the forum won't let me link their website at present.
Many thanks for your reply. I guess maybe I need to stop thinking that the order is a rigid piece of paper that I can hide behind and try to work access around my working day. I would have loved to have had my son stay with me the 5 days and would have considered that substantial quality time. I understand that a judge may consider the weekend to be split between parents....but, unfortunately in this instance the Mum wants to have him all week and part of the weekend to limit the "quality" time he can have with me. I will definitely check out that site. It does however feel the law doesn't really favour the Dad or consider that he can be a main carer and basically I have to go with my begging bowl asking to see a child that is mine too! But, I will definitely be more vocal and if we lose time together I I will be making sure that we get the holiday entitlement every year to make up for it! I contacted the court where the judge ordered the decree.....and they basically told me to jog on and go to the CAB. Helpful considering the CAB had their funding cut and don't offer advice to Dads anymore. Brick walls everywhere. Much appreciate your opinion.
Hi there
You might also want to give Scottish Childrens Legal Centre a call, they can answer all your legal queries. Here's a link to their website where you'll find contact details
www.sclc.org.uk.
I wasn't aware that the Scottish Legal Aid system had changed and was no longer available, as far as I knew this only applied to England and Wales.
All the best
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.