[Solved] advice needed on abusive ex

how can i prove im giving her money when she refuses anything that is linked to prove im giving her money?
First I would pay by standing order, if she refuses she wont do it for long as she will want the money

would i be better off going to court to have something in writing about my time with me son?
I would take her to court, you can do this your self as going through solicitors takes a long time and thousands, you need to fill in a c100 and pay £200. I would say try mediation but Im in doubt she would go , but its worth a try as the courts will have expected you to have tried this route

who can i turn to about the vile messages and threats..
Keep all text and keep a diary

im tired,im scared,im hurt, and feel very alone ,yet all ive ever done is the right thing in life..
You are in the right palce there are many Dads on here and Grandmas ! that will guide you and give you support and know how you feel

all i want to be is a brilliand dad to my little boy, but feel so crushed all the time from the constant bullying..
You sound like you are already a brilliant Dad and once you get a defined contact order hopefully things will settle, they are bringing in new laws to give the mothers stronger penalties if they go againts the orders

Thanks ak57, i never even mentioned the thousands of pounds of debt she left me in on payday loans and store cards,my dad had to get a £5000 loan to pay them off, i told her this and she said we are mugs for paying them..charming hey lol im 26 by the way..
yes court might be the only option for future peace..

KK

I will echo AK's words.

I will say though.....i was advised by a few great guys on here about the importance of keeping notes on events, saving copies of every text message, email, including your reply to prove the abusiveness and contorlling behaviour.
i produced to the court 70-80 pages of text messages and emails dating back to 2008 before i split in dec 2009 from my nasty vindictive ex. and they have been a great help in proving my ex the liar she has been shown to be.

Keep telling the truth, always be honest no matter how it may look, allways keep a diary of events.......above all don;t respond to the abuse with abuse.....keep calm and know that the truth will shine through eventually.

it won't be easy and it will get worse before it gets better......its been way too long for me......but a light is starting to get brighter in my tunnel.

keep at it.....stay strong.....and if you need to vent off.....this site is great to vent on......a problem shared is a problem halved so they say...it certainly has been a great relief and source of help for me in my darkest days.

Welcome to the site and keep your chin up.....it won;t be like this forever

Hi kk,

You sound like a great dad and sound like you are doing a wonderful job with your son.

You need to be able to prove the amount and dates of the maintenance that you are paying your ex. Either pay by cheque, bank transfer or get her to sign a receipt book for the cash you hand over. For nothing more than you own piece of mind then this would be a good thing.

As ak57 has said you need to keep all the abusive texts and keeping a diary of what happens when would also be a great idea. The important thing is not to react to the abuse.

If you want something written down regarding contact then I would advise Mediation before considering court. Mediation is less formal, less expensive and couples are encouraged to reach an amicable agreement by trained professionals. You could also cover off the whole maintenance issue during these sessions. Try National Family Mediation for more information and advice.

im tired,im scared,im hurt, and feel very alone ,yet all ive ever done is the right thing in life..
all i want to be is a brilliand dad to my little boy, but feel so crushed all the time from the constant bullying..

I can imagine how isolating this experience must feel - you sound like a excellent dad, trying to do the right thing. The good news is that you are not alone - we're here and there are many dads on the forum who have been through similar stuff to what you are experiencing.

Gooner

Thanks all, i guess the problem here for me to take it further is this..
ive been reading some of the heartbreaking posts from dads who rarely get to see there children or the limited access they do get, i can imagine they would give there right arm to have the time i get with my little boy, i dont trust the courts, they may decide i get far less time with him then i get at the moment? hes mother cant really handle him for more than two days,thats normally when the abuse starts, but then i think a court order would give me some rights?, right now im putting in the hours, doing everything a good parent should do, yet she holds all the cards and gives nothing, its so unfair .
i know she would not go to mediation, when i ask her why does she treat me in this way she replies "coz i can" or "coz im a evil [censored]"
nice hey..lol

I would suggest that you consider mediation - a lot of judges will send you there anyway. At least if you start down that route and she refuses you will have proof that you have tried.

Hi there and welcome 🙂

I am so sorry for your distress and we all feel your pain... you're not alone, were here to listen, advise and support you.

The guys here have more or less covered all your options, all I would suggest is that you go to the police and show them all of the vile txts, explain how its making you feel and ask that they log your contact with them, as you are intending to go to court. They may wish to pay her a visit just to talk to her about it, but it might make her think twice, and it will be useful to demonstrate to the court the reason why mediation was not an option.

I think you are feeling so low at the moment because you feel powerless against her and her increasing demands. It's time to take some control back kk and regain some of that confidence she has bullied out of you. It sounds to me that actually she needs you far more than you realize, you dont have to fight her for contact with your son because she wants free time to do whatever... Its really important that you stop paying her cash and insist that you have a recorded method of payment. If she refuses, then she doesnt get any money, tell her that if she wont agree to this you will go yourself to the CSA and pay maintenance through them, and then she wont get any of the money! Her choice...

I think once you have started the court process that in its self will help the way you are felling.Take a look at the two stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section, one is the "Contact Order C100 guide" which has information about the form and a step by step guide on how to fill it in, the other is a "Guide to Representing Yourself in Court" this too has lots of helpful information.

Good luck with everything 🙂