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I'm having an issue with my ex about access to my two kids.
The arrangement that we 'fell into' originally and have stuck to ever since is that I visit the FMH and see my kids twice a week, then have them with me every other weekend.
Her new partner makes himself scarce on those week nights (I believe he visits his kids), although their new child that they have had together is invariably around.
Clearly this is a very awkward situation - one that I have put up with for a number of years.... As my kids have got older I've found it increasingly difficult from a personal perspective. Although they probably can't see it, for me to go round there to see them is an uncomfortable and unpleasant experience (me and the ex do not get on that well)
I've said on multiple occasions that I'd like to change it so that I have the kids with me overnight instead but she has repeatedly refused this - citing the 'disruption' to the boys' routine as the primary reason.
I recently raised it again and she involved the kids in the discussion (which became a little emotional) and asked them what they wanted. Unsurprisingly they do not want anything to change and she is now using them to lay that on very pointedly.
I suspect that she has not exactly been balanced in her discussions with them about the matter. The kids are very upset - probably in part because they realise that their mum and dad actually don't get on.
So... What are my rights? Does access mean just that? Do I have any rights as regards where I see them? It is an emotional dilemma as I don't want to miss seeing them, but also don't want to keep going round to the house I used to live in and spend time in their home, often with her (and her new child) around.
I would much rather have them with me on those nights - I can make arrangements to drop them at school etc with no problems on the following morning(s).
Can she dictate that it can only be in their (I.e. my former) home?
Any advice on my rights or the situation gratefully received
Hi and welcome
Without any form of court order, she basically can make the rules. She is expected to facilitate contact, and she has been doing just that. The only way to force her to change would be to apply for a Child Arrangement Order, but the first step would need to be mediation (www.nfm.org) anyway. You have to expect that if you go beyond mediation to court, your ex is probably going to make matters a lot harder, so you'd need to be prepared for this, and you also have to expect, from what she has said, that she would be coaching the children.
It's probably worth asking her whether she'd be prepared to go to mediation to discuss it - hopefully you can come to some workable arrangement without needing to go any further than that - and it might be worth considering trying to change the current arrangements over, say, then next 6 months, rather than going for an immediate change.
Thanks for your reply.
I suspected that would be the case (I'll file that one under 'the law's an [censored]')
I think that chances of agreeing a change via mediation are slim unfortunately... I also think the kids will have been suitably 'influenced' to be against the idea of change.
My best bet is probably therefore to take the kids out somewhere for a couple of hours on 'our' nights - at least that gets away from me needing to be in the FMH and/or seeing her.
Difficult to see another option at the moment.
Thanks again
At this stage, it's not a case of "the law's an [censored]" (that may come later), more that the law isn't yet involved. If you can start off with short excursions out, you ex might actually see the benefits of having time to herself and let you have increasing amounts of time for her own benefit.
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