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Hi
Love that there is a place for dads where one can get help from the community. Mi question is simple and has to do with my daughter that recently got married. Since the divorce she has gotten closer to my ex and I feel that she has been given information that does not put me in a good light with her for the past few years. She has become more and more distant and it feels like she does not want to have me around at all.
A few days ago she got married and after the very heart felt speach I gave about here she spoke thanking me and thanking here friends, her older sister, mother and her mothers boyfriend etc, etc. She went as far as saying that her mothers boyfriend has been like a parent to her. That took me by surprise and to be honest do not know what to make of it. I have never heard of any bride or groom to say that with the father or mother present in the wedding. I thought those words are said when the real father or mother are dead and the boyfriend has assume the role of the parent. My daughter was 17 when I divorced her mother and we were very, very close until a few years back. Maybe the champs here could give me some insight about this issue. I do love my daughters very much and am very emotionally connected to them. I will wait until I gain some insight before making a bad move that could hurt our relationship by asking her why she said that. Maybe it means nothing and I should not be worry about it. Thanks.
Hello Olddad,
I understand your surprise and puzzlement when your daughter referred to her Mother's boyfriend as having been, quote, "like a parent to her" when thanking people at her wedding.
Let us take a step back, the day of a wedding is what I call a "dizzy" day particularly for the bride. Her emotions can be all over the place, excitement, concerns that it will go as planned and that she will be beautiful and the centre of attention. It has always been spoken of as being the brides' day, she traditionally takes centre stage.
In light of the above I would not say anything to her with regard to her referring to her Mothers' boyfriend as being, quote, "like a parent to her." She could have said, he was like a father to her but she did not which is to her credit. Had she done so, I believe, it would have been far more distressing to you.
You say your daughter, quote, "has become more and more distant." What was said at the wedding, I personally would not challenge her about it. If you do, it could well cause the distance there is between the two of you to become greater. You do not want that to happen.
If I was you, I would take the view that your daughter did not intend to hurt you. Put it behind you and look to the future with the aim to :-
1) reduce the distance between yourself and daughter,
2) build a good relationship with you new Son-in-Law,
3) and look forward to hopefully having grandchildren.
There is a new family emerging with you being an important part of it.
Thank you for your kind reply. All feels like walking on broken glass in a way. Is all new to me and I need to find my place in the orther of things. I just wasen't sure if she was sending a message when she said it or just was being nice to my my ex's man. Have to admit it made me feel sad and confused about what my role will be in the future specially if my scorn ex marries her boyfriend. My daughter lives close to her mother and currently I work overseas and is hard for me to be there. Your advise is wise and hopeful and hopeful seems like where I need to be for now.
Much apreciated.
Hello Olddad,
Take comfort from the fact you do not need to find your, quote, " place in the order of things." Your place is already established, you are a Father, a Father in Law and hopefully a Grandfather to be. Be confident in those roles and then I think you may well feel that you are not, quote, "walking on broken glass."
As I said before there is a world of difference between the use of the word parent and father, your daughter used the former and I think she was just being nice to him.
I respect how this has made you feel particularly as you work overseas. The distance of doing so could make you feel more detached from your family and less secure, however, your place in the family is established, you are your daughters' Father!
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