I have two children aged 8 & 11 from a former marriage. Initially my girlfriend was great with them and helped ensure that I had good contact with them.
My girlfriend and I then decided to have children together and now have two young boys. My girlfriend now strongly dislikes my older children and blames them for everything bad in the world. She insists that I rarely see them and only for limited periods of time whereas before they stayed for full weekends.
I have spoken to her at length about this and battled this situation for a couple of years.
She says that if we got married and cemented our family then her views would be different. I struggle to understand why being married would help her be kind and receptive to my relationship with my older children.
Has anyone got any advice.
Hello Graham2017,
I haven't any advice to give only my personal opinion.
Your girlfriend doesn't sound as if she is consistent in consideration for you or in building a caring, loving relationship with your older children.
It would be interesting to know how the older children feel about her.
She was supportive to them and you initially, now, quote "blames them for everything bad in the world" but if you marry her, matters will be different, will they?
I question whether the older children are being used as a tool to get you up the aisle?
If you got married you say, she says, quote, "her views would be different." Being married should not alter her views on your older children, she should have continued to build on the relationship she had with them at the beginning when she first knew you. She should respect the fact you are their Father and also encourage good relationships between the older children and the younger ones you have with her.
You have four children whom I am sure you have equal love for. Your older children (only 8 and 11 years of age) need you and your time as much as the younger children you have with your partner do.
You could try RELATE.
My older children have said that my girlfriend is horrible to them. I have challenged her about this but she really doesn't care if her behaviour results in them not wanting to visit.
I am not sure whether she is doing this to get me up the aisle or if it is to get my older children out of our lives so that life is simpler for her. She seems completely incapable of understanding that I love all 4 children equally.
I think 'step-mums' can find it difficult when they have children of their own, but that is no excuse for treating your kids that way.
I would seriously think about broaching the subject of Relate and taking action with this. The current situation puts you totally in the middle and is potentially emotionally damaging for your two older children.
One wonders how your girlfriend would feel sending her own children off to see another parent where the partner wasn't nice or welcoming to them.
It does sound like your girlfriend has a bee in her bonnet about getting married - I would have thought behaving this way would be a clear sign not to jump into marriage rather than a bargaining tool.
Good luck!
Thank you Yoda, I will contact Relate. I mentioned this option to my girlfriend several months ago and she wasn't receptive to the idea because she said it was a private issue. Do you have any advice on how to encourage her?
You can lead a horse to water.....
If she's that focused on being a 'Mrs', perhaps you could say to her that there is no way you will consider marriage unless you get all the issues sorted out first? I think you have to put your foot down a bit here and stand up for yourself and all of your children.
Really wishing you the best of luck