HELP AND ADVISE; CONFUSED.COm 1 week 1 day ago #81037

I am very sorry that the post is very long to start with as I feel that I need to put down much details in order to get better advise and help.

I met my partner about 3 years ago through work and after a while we start dating, I was then living in one bed flat on my own and she was living in room in a shared flat. after a while, She was due to move out and I was also due to bring my daughter from back Home South africa to live with me in London so we decided to get a two bed flat together. around May after a short while around August her sister and niece visited us for 2 weeks and I was very happy to pay for everything whilst they were holidaying and then came december, we went to her country for the festive season and early Jan I left to go get my daughter and as soon as my daughter came to live with us then problem comes. my daughghter is 8 years old.

First my partner said since there were 3 of us in the flat we should all contribute equally and I did this, then she start to complain that I spent too much time and money with my daughter and gave her little attention before I knew there were tensions. We were trying for a baby and then I felt that things were not right so I sat her down and told her that I had changed my mind about it and didn't want to go through with it and nor will go though with buying a place with her as we had also planned. I also told her that I wanted to move out as there seems to be issue with my daughter and it might for the best if things were that way.

The very next day, in the evening, I was with my daughter in the living and shouted at her and she cried and my partner used the occasion to call the cops on me and told them I abused my daughter and have don't it so many time and by this time my daughter was in the country only for a 7 weeks. I was arrested and then released on bail not to return to the address due to the lack of friends to look after my daughter I had no choice but to leave her with my partner, I went to stay with a friend for a month and because my bail was for 4 months my partner then decided to leave to her country as she felt that she had lost me and the relationship had broken down due to the bail and didn't know wht i will do on my return despite me assuring her that I will everything to keep the family together but please do not let my daughter go into care.

Despite of the effort, she left anyway and left her job too where we worked together but before she did, she tried to get me the sack any telling them what had happened at home between us and bad mouth me and my daughter went into care and because she had made the allegations and social services were using my 6 years old caution on my ex partner as a reason to show tht I was violent, I went on to do some parenting course and some DVIP to get my daughter back and my partner pleaded with me to come back so we can be a family as things were not bright in her country, I gave in and she came back but didn't work and I paid for everything include giving her pocket money and paying her credit card and we got my daughter back too after a fight through the court that lasted more than 6 months. shortly after my daughter got back, my partner got pregnant and she was not working and I sat her down and told her that I need a bit of help around the house as I worked, drop and picked my daughter to and from school and cooked, cleaned, do the laundry and take my daughter out to her activities as my partner as well. my partner to start with she start to help me drop my daughter to and from school and that only lasted 3 weeks and I took over again as she said she was tired and it was too cold in the morning and as I drive it is easy for me. as a couple is fair to mention that we argue here and there just like everyone else always moved from it as by now things were very touchy for us and we wanted to be together.

My partner find a job and all she did is moan about everything and didn't help much around so I told her that she was free to leave if she wanted to but then had a second thought that she was pregnant with my child so could not really let her go. due to her age the pregnancy is a hard one as she blessed on and off to start with so needed support and a lot of rest which I understand and continue to paid for everything. she start work to get her maternity and not long into the job her water broke at 23 weeks so I was so worried, I run and went to see her and stayed with her all day. she was admitted into the hospital and shortly after the doctor told us that the baby might not make and explain all the risk her sister called wanting to come to london the next day and I told her that we need to talk about it as we had just been told disturbing news but her sister really pushed her on the phone and my partner agreed and I reminded her that we needed to speak about it but anyway the sister plan went ahead andI didn't want to make a big fuss so I left it and didn't say anythingng but I was told that her sister was coming to help me with my daughter so I can be with my partner.

The next day her sister arrived and I went to pick her up as my partner was in the hospital and I gave her sister 200kids and a travel card as well as the keys to our place to aid her access if I was not there after about two days her sister had some attitude and would not talk to me, so I spoke to my partner about it to try to find out what was going on but I was told tht I didn't care only her sister care so we kind likee argued over it and I questioned what her sister had come to do anyway as she was not helping me with my daughter I still cooked, clean and take her to and from school bring her home and made sure she showed before I went to see my partner in the hospital at night once her sister had come home. so during the argument I was so upset and said well since the sister was so caring than I was it was better if she took her of my partner and I didn't want to see her in our place ( we rent a flat and both of name are on the contract). I left as I got home, I found my partner and I bedroom locked so I called my partner to please ask her sister to come and give me the keys if she was not far as I needed my passport to get some gift I had bought for her and my daughter from the shop, my partner told me I will have to wait so I waited and in between my partner called me to say she was getting discharge from the hospital but it will take time to sort out her hospital paperworks so Thought by the time her sister come, I will then go to get her. around 6 someone came into the flat and into our room so I thought it ws her sister and as the shop was closing so I just left to go get my daughter from the activities where she was and then went straight to the hospital when I got there my partner was no where to be seen and was told she went home so I went home and when I got there my partner and her sister had taken all their stuff and left.

I tried to call her and no answer and go a text saying u wanted us out so we left, I replied explaining that I never wanted her out and we argued abt her sister not us and I understood that she left out of loyalty to her sister to start my partner denied that it was the case but eventually admit to leaving cuz of her sister but didn't want to come back cuz she felt her family were hurt and didn't want to argue with me so I gave her my words that I won't argue but I just wanted her to come home. she is refusing.

She eventually agree to meet so I can take her to app at the hospital but won't tell me where she lives now nor wanting to come back but she told me that she will be applying for a council flat and claim house benefit where she is, so I told her I cant do it on our flat as the contract its on both of us name and so on.

1. So Now I am very worried as to what she will tell the council in order to get the council flat as this need a story and in most cases not a good one with social services still involve in my daughter and mine life and I am very concern and do not know what to do or where to turn. PLEASE HELP
2. I can not claim the house benefit on the flat as her name is on the contract and might end up using some of my saving whilst she come to her sense
3. I might end up spending all my little saving and then have the pressure to provide for the child, my daughter and the one she has as well as shop for maternity stuff
4. I might wait too long and she won't come to her sense and lose everything

  • mutshi
  • mutshi's Avatar
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts: 1
Last Edit: 1 week 1 day ago by mutshi. Reason: adding
The administrator has disabled public write access.

HELP AND ADVISE; CONFUSED.COm 1 week 1 day ago #81041

Hi there

I can see you are in a difficult situation and it's hard to know how to advise you. I think it might be a good idea to discuss what has happened with your Social Worker.

It might also be a good idea to contact your landlord and explain that you are now a sole tenant and see if you can get the tenancy agreement changed. My son split with his girlfriend very recently and that is what he did, he can now claim for some help with his rent and council tax, now that the tenancy is in his name only.

You could try going to your local Citizens Advice Bureau foradvice and support. If you are having problems with your landlord Shelter might be able to,give you some advice and support. Here's a link to their website

I can't advise you on whether your girlfriend will return, pregnant women are often very changeable and can have mood swings, I would advise that you try to be understanding of this and make allowances for her right now.

All the best
  • Mojo
  • Mojo's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 4485
  • Thank you received: 1114
DadTalk Moderator
Last Edit: 1 week 1 day ago by Mojo.
The administrator has disabled public write access.
The following user(s) said Thank You: mutshi