anxiety of my partner in relation to my sd relationship

Hi

Have you both considered a parenting course? This would provide more tools to supporting children and going forwards having a new, similar and consistent approach towards both children..

Ultimately the issues you describe have caused many relationships to breakdown.. Keep talking to each other as communication is very important..

All the best. 

Thats all very sad.  Can you have a conversation with your partner about this?  Its probably best to be away from home on neutral ground.  You've all been living together for some time now so family life should be established.  You both need to be  united in the way you bring up the girls.  Can you offer to give your sd lifts to/from  friends if she needs them to demonstrate you care?  If you google 'living with stepchildren' there seem to be sensible articles and you may find better advice there.  I hope you all manage to get through this.

Posted by: @nopolok

I'm a biological father of 10 yo girl and also a step father of 14 yo girl. Her bio father is not in touch with his daughter and they never met since she was 1 yo. I raise my step daughter since she was 1.5 yo. I live with their mother and the 2 daughters and things are going ok more or less.
The problem is every time I scold at my 14 yo step daughter, her mother always shouts that I misbehave and I discriminate between the 2 daughters. She often tells to the stepdaughter not to listen to me since I don't care about her. At this point I want to add that my partner/their mother never met her own father since he left my partner's mother when my partner was a baby. Also my partner says she hated her mother and her mother did not bequeath her anything (she passed away when my partner was 20yo) because her mom had mental issues herself. Since the begging of our relationship my partner always asked me to try to improve as a dad to the stepdaughter. At first when step daughter was 1.5 yo my partner corrected my stepdaughter whenever she turned to me with my private name and told her to call me 'dad'. She has such anxiety that the stepdaughter will never feel a father's affection like she lacked such an affection.
Me and my partner had so many quarrels about the issue that I'm not affectionate enough to my sd. Also we separated many times and came back where the father-stepdaughter relation was the cause. For example 2 weeks ago when my bio daughter shouted at me and told me I was stupied, My partner heard it and told me that I would have never restrained myself if my stepdaughter would have cursed me instead of my bio daughter and she asked me to sleep outside of the house. These kind of Insane quarrels we have alienate between me and my stepdaughter. Do you have any ideas how can I approach my sd in the circumstance?

Relationships between family members should be built on affection and compassion

@champagne @Daddyup
Thanks for the reply.
Wow i wrote a long comment and it got erased.
Anyway i am giving my sd lift and i drive her (almost) anywhere she wants. I also do most of the house work and give sd lunch almost every day when she comes back from school. Yet my partner sais i dont care for my sd. But its not consistent. I mean Occansionally she sais i do care. But yet we have lots of quarrels regarding her statements that i dont care for sd. Moreover she tells my sd i dont care for her and she starts to believe in it. Also my partner tell the daughters they should not help me in the housework because it should be my duty in the family. But i know its a good thing to ask the children to help in the house work. And in many occasions like when i mention to my sd not to shout my partner tells to my sd not to listen to me. She tries to deminish me in front of my sd. But i guess my sd really appriciates the things i do for her. Yet she listens also to her mom and influenced by her

Hello Nopolok,

Thank you for sharing your situation, it can't have been easy for you. From reading both your posts, I would like to offer you the following suggestions, which will hopefully help you and your family. 

Beginning with your partner - She has had to deal with a double grief of losing both her mum and her dad. (i.e. not having any relationship with her father and then her mother dying when she was young) This must have been a traumatic experience for your partner, and it maybe that she is still grieving without realising it, and she is scared that her own daughter will be left out of the family unit that you and her have with your daughter. May I suggest that if she is in agreement, that you find the time to sit down with one another and talk through how you both feel. If it helps, get a pen and paper and try to limit yourselves to five points that you want the other person to know, and then calmly discuss them together. Also, speaking from personal experience, counselling is very beneficial too, being able to talk to a professional about how you feel and why you feel it, without being judged is such a relief. You can do this by going through your GP or there are charities like Care For The Family, Relate, Spurgeons, and the DadInfo webpage here, they all have information about how to access these services and tips for blended families.

Secondly, I read this as you are trying to do your very best for both the girls, by having boundaries and asking them to help out around the home, giving lifts, and making lunches - all positive parenting. It maybe a good idea to sit together as a family and make some simple home rules that apply to everyone, so you are all being treated the same and everyone knows whats expected from them. For example you may have these rules:

1.Please speak kindly to one another, especially at meal times

2. Please keep your bedrooms tidy and put all dirty clothes in the washing basket

3. Please always ask before taking food from the fridge....etc

You and your partner and the girls can learn what is important to you as a family  - what are your values and how do you wish to be treated? 

Thirdly, your girls are at the age where hormones are coming in thick and fast, making their emotions go all over the place. Try not to be afraid to tell each other how you are feeling. Make a game of it and use your mobile phone emojis to communicate how you are feeling. Print off some emoji expression faces off the internet and perhaps make a game of it, talking about how each one makes you feel or indeed how the day has made you feel. 

Fourthly, spending 1-1 time with each of your daughters is such an important event. Aim for an hour a week to begin with for each child with each parent , but let them lead the activity and choose it. It should be a low cost or money free event, like going for a walk, playing a game, watching a film or craft etc, but the aim is they lead and you listen and follow. This way it will help you to build more of a bond with both children separately.

Fifthly, and finally, try to spend time together as a couple and remember why you got together in the first place. Cook each other dinner, or just watch a film or go out for a walk if you have a sitter. Keep a note book and write in it all the good things that have happened at home  - encourage the children to write in it too, and hopefully as a family you will encourage one another without realising it. Praise your children for every positive piece of behaviour and action they do, especially for your step daughter. As parents its so easy for us to see only the negative behaviour and forget to praise the good. 

I really wish you and your family well, and I hope that there's some useful bits here! Fegans/Spurgeons charity also have some great tips on parenting too, so take a look. 

Kind regards, 

Spurgeons Parent Support Volunteer 

@Clarinet

Wow thx for this reply

We did ofcourse take some counceling indevidually and together. Yet it seems our ups and downs relate more on the day it was for my partner then the talks with the counceling

I will really try to follow all the good advices you mentioned

Nopolok