[Solved] Wife's secret 3 year affair - 10month old son

Hi there

This must be really distresssing for you... it's early days and you will still be working out how to feel.... a bit like a bereavement in many ways.

I think the best way forward is to seek some relationship counselling, often trying to sort it out without professional help can be a pretty tall order. Some people have been able to move on from the infidelity of a partner, but others have found the loss of trust too difficult to get past.... time will tell, but if you both genuinely want to make it work and are prepared to put in the effort to make that happen, it may be that you will come out of it stronger than before.

What's important is once the decision is made to forgive and move forward, it doesn't help to hold it over them... if you can't let go of what she did, the likelihood is that you won't be able to move on from it.

Heres a link to the Relate website, which will give you an idea of their working practices and what they can offer.

www.relate.org.uk

All the best

Hi There,
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I think that if you stand any chance of staying together than you need to get some professional help in the way of counselling, I'm sure that many people manage to stay together after finding out about affairs but I am also sure that it takes a lot of work to make things work out, it can't just be for your son, it needs to be what you want as well other wise it won't work.
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Also.........and I hate to say this but I would assume that this may have gone through your mind already, are you sure your son is biologically yours? there is going to be a chance that he isn't if they had a physical relationship.
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How would something like that affect the way you feel?
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GTTS

Hi there

This must be really distresssing for you... it's early days and you will still be working out how to feel.... a bit like a bereavement in many ways.

I think the best way forward is to seek some relationship counselling, often trying to sort it out without professional help can be a pretty tall order. Some people have been able to move on from the infidelity of a partner, but others have found the loss of trust too difficult to get past.... time will tell, but if you both genuinely want to make it work and are prepared to put in the effort to make that happen, it may be that you will come out of it stronger than before.

What's important is once the decision is made to forgive and move forward, it doesn't help to hold it over them... if you can't let go of what she did, the likelihood is that you won't be able to move on from it.

Heres a link to the Relate website, which will give you an idea of their working practices and what they can offer.

www.relate.org.uk

All the best

Thank you for the advice and words. I have suggested counselling which she's agreed to and we have our initial meeting scheduled for next week. What I'm currently struggling with is exactly that - whether she is now who I want to be with. Not in a million years would I have ever even considered she could be remotely capable of something like this, this is what's making me think that she cannot be the person I thought she was, and if she's capable of this do I really want to be with that sort of person? On a really basic level, you don't treat your husband or significant either like this. I also imagined she would be more remorseful somehow, she's not going to the end of the earth to prove to me she's made the biggest mistake of her life and wants to do anything to reassure me she can change, she's just sort of sulking which again then makes me doubt whether she wants us to work too. I will check out the Relate site now -thank you.

Hi There,
.
I think that if you stand any chance of staying together than you need to get some professional help in the way of counselling, I'm sure that many people manage to stay together after finding out about affairs but I am also sure that it takes a lot of work to make things work out, it can't just be for your son, it needs to be what you want as well other wise it won't work.
.
Also.........and I hate to say this but I would assume that this may have gone through your mind already, are you sure your son is biologically yours? there is going to be a chance that he isn't if they had a physical relationship.
.
How would something like that affect the way you feel?
.
GTTS

This is something that's gone through my mind, as you can imagine. I have put this to my wife who flatly denies it as a possibility (despite there being a chance as they had a physical relationship too), reminds me how much our baby boy looks like me (he does) and that if I want we can get a DNA test. I will be taking her up on the DNA test, just to avoid me thinking about it when I look at him and to know without doubt. Realistically I do believe he is mine, but if he wasn't then I would want to play as big of a part in his life as his mother would allow as I love him to bits. I would however end the relationship with my wife in an instant. I just can't get over how she could allow us to plan a family and make such life decisions with her knowing she was cheating with someone else at the time - potentially committing that tiny baby to a sub optimal life in terms of a stable and happy home- how on earth does that happen ?! This alone makes me think she must have a screw loose and I'm better off without her. It's such a complex and difficult situation, where the consequences of my decision are very far reaching.

As you've both agreed to counselling, I would at least give it a chance. Your world has taken a huge knock and you're still reeling from its impact. You wouldn't be normal if you weren't questioning the fabric of your relationship, your perception of who she is and what you were as a couple has been broken and it will take time to put the pieces back together again.

Her attitude at the moment is difficult, she is being made to face up to what she has been doing, it probably wasn't real before, a fantasy if you like ... now the reality is sinking in and she may be having difficulty confronting it... perhaps she's unsure how to show remorse, maybe she thinks if she ignores it it will go away... it's tough for you both in different ways.

I hope you are talking, because communication and being honest with one another is really important if you're to work through this. Best of luck with the counselling, we're here if you need to talk.

Hi There,
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Sorry I didn't mean to imply that you would treat your son any differently if he wasn't yours, only that it must have gone through your mind and I know that if it were me, I would need to find out.
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GTTS

OK, so a brief update since my initial post.

I thought long and hard about the events that have happened. My wife has been pretty forthcoming with regards to the details and her feelings/thoughts about the 'other man'. She says she has made a choice, that the choice is to be with me and to not throw everything we've ever worked for and our lives as well as our son's future. (shame she didn't think about that a bit more at the time but hey...) I respected that and drafted some 'terms' in which if we were to move on and make this work she (and I) would have to agree to and stick by. These included her deleting this person from all her social media and whatsapp - which is where all the communication/pics/videos occurred. It also stated that if at a given time I wanted to see her phone or validate what she was telling me was true, I could. (I was and am not planning on doing this daily as that's not a way to live). Also included was that she must end any relationship with him and not contact him again - these were all things she was whole hardheartedly in agreement with.

Fast forward to the following week - I notice she hasn't removed him from any social media.. I question it and she tells me 'she doesn't ever delete anyone and doesn't want to' - I stress that this is not what we agreed and not conducing of me trying to trust her again, as there is no plausible reason why she wouldn't delete this person if she wants us to work and has made a choice like she claims - still refuses. I ask if she's ended things, and she tells me she has - I ask to see the message - she claims she's deleted it and all historical messages - shows me her phone and all looks like it's gone - I tell her it seems fishy that she'd delete the only proof she has that she's ended it.

Fast forward three weeks later, she maintains he has not responded or contacted her despite her finishing a 3 year relationship where they discussed their future together, by text - I find that impossible to believe. Her behaviour is also slightly withdrawn and zero affection or reassurance unless I raise it.

Despite all this, I have committed fully to giving the relationship another try and I am convinced I love her and am committed to my wedding vows and sticking by her despite her actions and bad choices. I stated in the terms above three weeks ago that this second chance was based on her stopping lying and be truthful, and if I found out anything was continuing I would have no choice but to walk away from our marriage, as if that were the case it would be unsustainable and impossible to proceed if further betrayal/lies were involved.

Fast forward to last night after work, She says she needs to go to the shop for some essential groceries - I say I'll come but am told she wants to go alone (she doesn't know that I know the place she intends to go was somewhere they would secretly meet...) I am hugely suspicious but don't mention my concerns, none the less she explicitly tells me it's just for groceries and not be concerned and to trust me. I covertly place my own phone in the back of the car with a recorder app running and retrieve once she is home. To my horror I hear her phone him, arrange to meet at said location and her then pick him up - chatting away. She didn't end anything.

I have not divulged I've recorded this - and have asked for time to think about what I want and have said I am suspicious she is still not telling me the truth - she has sworn on her life, our sons life, time and time again since last night that she is telling me the truth and she's ended things with him 3 weeks ago and has not seen or heard from him since and is committed to her and me and wants to make amends and have a future with only me...

My current position is that counselling is a waste of time as it appears she's incapable of telling the truth and may well just be biding her time until she can be with him full-time. I feel I've done all I can - I was prepared to forgive, I was prepared to possibly sacrifice true happiness to continue with her and to give my son the best possible chances in life and the stable happy home he and all children so desperately need - but now this. What more can I do?

I feel I have to end our relationship and divorce her as there's no other option. in days/weeks/months I 100% know for sure she probably will see the error in her ways and the 'other' relationship isn't what it seems and will BEG me to come back, for her, for our son etc etc - and it will be so hard but I know at that point I would HAVE to stick to my decision.

Advice welcome (and needed).

Thank you

Family man

Hi There,
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I am so sorry to read this, It sounded as though your partner had made a commitment to be with you and end things, but has just lied further.
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To be honest you were being a bigger man than I would have been in the same situation giving her another chance as I would have ended things straight away, knowing what she had been doing.
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I agree that there is no other option other than ending things, she hasn't been honest since you found out and it doesn't sound as though she will be.
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You have given her a chance and she hasn't done anything to help make things work.
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Any advice you need just ask.
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GTTS