[Solved] Wife says it’s over

If you are looking at having son half of the time shared care he would have to have his own bedroom.
If you are getting on reasonably well with ex. best arrangement would be 2 midweek nights weekly and every other weekend. Due to your son been 10 you can pretty much agree most schedules . some parents do 5-2-5-2.
Depending on how far school is i suppose he isnt too far off been able to go school himself and return home.
You may take into account if you can do half of the time if you was to return to office all of a sudden and if 10/12 nights out of 28 works better

Sharing school holidays looks like it could be problematic. I’d need to take 35 days holiday a year just to have half the holidays.

I know she’d raise concerns about childcare as my go to would be my parents who haven’t seen us in 6 years due to an argument - my mum kept trying to give son a sip of beer at a family bbq. We asked her not to but she laughed it off and persisted anyway. Ex also knows that my dad was violently abusive towards my mum and family pet when I was a kid. Never towards me and my siblings though. They also live over half an hour away and I don’t drive.

Ok, you can see why your ex is asking you how this will work. You will need to when you propose a schedule have set days and times. I would after what you wrote not use your parents for childcare as this will upset your ex partner and you have not seen them for 6 years and that is very irresponsible what they done.

What are your actual work hours and days you work. A return to office may happen eventually albeit probably not for a at least mid 2021 at earliest. having a week less in summer holidays could be an option

I work Monday to Friday 9-530 and using public transport my commute would be roughly 30-40 minutes each way.

shared could be very difficult . It may be worth proposing 2 contact arrangement suggestions to ex.

1 whilst you are working from home and 1 if you was to return to office.

Whilst working from home you could perhaps do tuesday and wednesday overnight every week and every other weekend fri + sat overnight ..this would be 12 nights out of 28 or drop off to school monday if u wanted to make it 14 out of 28

When returning to office every other weekend pick up after work friday drop off to school monday and maybe a wednesday every week pick up maybe 5pm from mums.

The last schedule should be workable if you speak to office and would involve them letting u start work after school drop off monday every 2 weeks and finishing slightly earlier on wednesdays and starting slightly later on a thursday morning weekly. you would probs need to finish work about 430 every wednesday and start work 930ish every other monday.

Does your ex work full time too?

Most working parents have to find childcare in the school holidays, so you wouldn't be any different.

If you were both working full time, you would have to agree how the children are looked after in the holidays anyway.

If you work full time and she doesn't, perhaps you could suggest a different arrangement for holiday times?

Here are a couple of examples of how shared care can work on a monthly schedule at 50/50 or almost that ratio;

Option 1
week 1 with mother
week 2 with father
week 3 with mother
week 4 with father

Option 2
week 1 wed with father
week 2 thu, fri, sat, sun with father
week 3 wed with father
week 4 thu, fri, sat, sun with father.

Hope that helps somewhat.

You do need to really think this through if you want your ex to have confidence in reaching agreement with you

She works full time but her parents provide childcare after school and during school holidays. They won’t do that for me.

Ok so I’ve managed to get myself into a pickle.

Mediation went nowhere. She eventually decided it was pointless as I wouldn’t agree to anything and had nothing to propose.

She threatened to go to court so I started negotiating properly. Only now I’ve agreed in principle a deal only I’m stuck and can’t actually afford to move out and ultimately I have nowhere to go. She’s finally snapped and wants to go to court because she says all I’ve done from the started is stalled constantly and that my behaviour has been bullying and emotionally abusive and all I want to do is punish her for leaving me.

What’s going to happen to me in court? She has every conversation documented, screenshots of texts etc.

Can you afford to rent somewhere close to your son's school so having him with you will be manageable in terms of schooling? If she is buying you out are you sure you have achieved a fair deal for yourself? You need to work out how you can manage work and child care and then propose that. Have your texts been reasonable?

I’m on minimum wage. After joint debts there’s almost no equity in the house. I can’t afford anything nearby that allows me to be able to have a bedroom for my son, be able to get him to school and get myself to work. I don’t drive.

Child maintenance and school breakfast clubs are going to be pretty much impossible.

if your going to be at risk of homelessness, then I would advise you to contact your local council, or an organisation such as shelter.

Hi Pinkman,
I feel for you, I really do.
This may sound harsh, but you have to put your son first. You are working long hours for a low wage and having to commute by public transport to do so. There isn’t any equity in your house to buy a place for yourself and you can’t afford a 2 bed apartment, also you have no ready child minder to cover before and after school. With the best will in the world you are not in a position to provide any care for your son at the moment.
If you can’t stay in your family home and can’t provide for your son then it is hard to see another option than him living with your wife, at least until you can get in a position to earn enough to get a 2 bed place and maybe learn to drive so it is practical for you to look after him.
Your housing options will be pretty limited as a single bloke with no dependant (in the eyes of the state), if the council can’t help then it might be a house share or room in a HMO fairly close to your son’s school.
You can’t keep your young son in a HMO, so perhaps the best arrangement at the moment would be for you to arrange to have him after school in the eve a couple of times per week, and maybe for a day each weekend?
This probably won’t be what you want to hear - and I know it sounds unfair (because it is) but having read your story I can’t see an alternative until you earn enough to provide for your son. In the meantime strive to maintain contact with him, see him several times per week and work towards doing something better for him in the long term.
Best wishes,
O