[Solved] Wife says it’s over

It’s just not fair that I lose my home and see less of my son just because she wants to end our marriage. What does she lose? Why is it only me losing out here?

yes sadly the system treats the dad as 2nd class parent. we were around our kids since birth and so close to them. then all of a sudden we have to become part time dads and see kids less often.

you mentioned in previous post that you want to take your child and run off, as a way to punish your wife. to re-iterate, don't go down that route. most of us dads have suffered this way, with the mothers doing the exact same thing to us. blocking access to our kids, using them as weapons and being a malicious idiot. you should seek legal advice to force sale of the property or get her to buy you out.

Good day Pinkman,

I had stopped contributing to this forum for a lengthy period because:

a. My own situation reached an equilibrium in that I'd made things as good as I could for my son (with a SRO that says he resides alternate weeks with me and with his mother).

b. Because there were just too many stories like yours that seemed so unfair yet always ended the same way.

I am ashamed that in this otherwise fair and tolerant country of ours there is huge bias against men when it comes to family matters; everyone (apart from lawyers who make money out of it) seems to recognise this but no one finds the need to change anything (and I believe it will become worse).

Good fortune,

O

When you are in a steady relationship and you become a father, you have to participate. You have to be part of the parenting. Pull your weight as a dad even though you find it less useful like joining wife to pregnant yoga and sorts.
You have to be there when she gives birth (I am like Robbie Williams; it is like watching your favourite bar burning to the ground)
You have to be equal in raising the kids.
Then after your divorce, none of this seems to be important anymore and you are tolerated as a dad at best.

I’ve suggested that if we separate we should have 50/50 custody which she says she’s fine with.

I suggested alternate days but apparently that’s a stupid idea. Why should I go 3-4 days without seeing my son?

Well it is giving and taking, also be aware of what this does with a kid. Does he have to sleep every other day on another house? Maybe for some ritje, 3-4 saus switch is ok, maybe 7 days alertantinf is better. Also imagine the holidays and birthdays, you have to split them to.

Hi Pinkman,

Alternating days is just not practically possible. You could also end up tying yourself up in knots commiting to something that causes long term issues.

Think about it from childs point of view. Even older kids don't know what day it is, at your child's age they won't have a clue who they are with on what day and would cause anxiety and confusion.

I'm sure others on here will be able to tell you what a typical shared care schedule looks like. Again remember when child is with you the mother won't see either for half a week. You may see it as its her problem and her fault for choosing to do this but when you do have 50:50 that's just how it works.

I would say seek some counselling for what you are feeling and going through. If it slowly eats away at you then you risk becoming bitter and it will impact on your relationship with child and you will not be able to be a great father. Part of that is wanting to ensure that your child also has a great mother who can get on with her life too.

Children feed off parents emotions etc.

Focus on yourself, sort out custody, divorce, finances and house and move forward with your son.

Thanks

I’ve suggested that if we separate we should have 50/50 custody which she says she’s fine with.

I suggested alternate days but apparently that’s a stupid idea. Why should I go 3-4 days without seeing my son?

50/50 residency is about as good a deal as a man can hope to get - take it quickly and get a schedule written down that you can show to a court at a later date when your wife realises she will lose money on the divorce settlement.

Alternate days is (with respect) a really stupid idea. Alternate weeks is sensible - change overs at midweek to avoid arguments about weekends with a proper schedule covering holidays.

This is a great opportunity for you: your son is the important thing in this equation so you have to put him first and make this work. You need to find somewhere for you and your son to live, adapt your work to take care of him properly, earn enough money to give him a good life and so on. Never mind feeling sorry for yourself, you don't have time for that, you have a fantastic opportunity to carve out a good life for your boy.

This is a lifeline - man up and don't blow it.

O

I’ve suggested that if we separate we should have 50/50 custody which she says she’s fine with.

I suggested alternate days but apparently that’s a stupid idea. Why should I go 3-4 days without seeing my son?

alternate days does sound hectic. i think kids would be moved around too much. could so something else like 3-4 days on and off. or 1 week with one parent, next week with other parent and alternate like that. would be a lot easier if this could be settled without going to court.

Alternate days will be a bit of a pain and will not settle well with your kid, they wont know if they are coming or going. Having them a week at a time would be a better idea, it is more of a routine he will get used to. i would give my arms and legs for 50/50 care.

It is horrible not seeing you kid everyday, but you learn to live with it.

I initially wanted my life to revolve around my kids but this isn't healthy either as my own mental health would suffer, I wouldn't develop as an individual nor have any life experience to share with the kids. Plus I reckon I would end up over whelming the kids if my life centred around them.

One suggestion to consider is whether when the your son is with mum you schedule in a video call. So if he is with mum for 4 days then on day 2 and day 4 you do a 30 mins video call so you still speak to each other regularly. On day 2 he can tell you what he has been upto and on day 4 you can make some plans when he comes to you. However I would reciprocate that and schedule in a call with mum when he is with you on day 2 aswell for the same reasons.

So I’ve been trying to be more amicable, yesterday she told me she’s going out for the day and wanted to check I was ok having son for the day.

I asked where she was going and who with and she says it’s none of my business what she does and that we’re separated whether I like it or not.

it's better if you ignore where she goes or how long. she's probably using these situations to prove your 'controlling' behaviour.