Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi
In the last couple of months, I have suspected that my wife of 18 months is having an affair of sorts.
Whilst checking on my 14 yr old step-daughters internet use, I spotted in the history several visits to a website for married people seeking an affair. These visits were at times when only my wife was at home. I started checking the history every night and found that she was logging on regularly. When I hovered over the different entries, it said that she was having conversations with several men, but one popped up more than others, a guy named Tom.
About 4 weeks ago the visits to the site stopped, but I began to suspect she had exchanged numbers with this guy, as she was receiving messages at odd times and hiding her phone as she read them. I had the opportunity to check her phone, so did, and found that she had set her phone to not save a copy of the outgoing messages, and she had a couple of messages saved, from a contact named 'T'. These messages stated some very explicit things that he would like to do to my wife.
The next time I had the opportunity to check her phone, she had deleted both the messages and his contact number, and I thought that may be the end of it, that she had had her fun and had finished it, that is until the other night.
I was getting ready to go out on my works xmas do when I received a text message from my wife that said that she 'wouldn't be able to text back til 8pm' but she 'hoped I was ok', and finished it with a 'x'. The message was obviously not intended for me! I checked her phone again yesterday and found that she had received more messages, and had re-saved the number under 'T'.
I don't know what to do, we are so close to Christmas, and we have got a couple of weddings and family events over the festive period, so I don't really want to confront her about it right now. I am fairly certain that she has no plans to meet this guy, and I think that she is just enjoying a bit of attention from another guy.
Do I just monitor the situation and hope it blows over? Or do I confront her about it all?
Hi, first I wouldnt beable to keep quiet, but thats me. I suspect you are right and nothing as happened and shes enjoying the flirting and attention.
Now im going to probe, is your marriage a happy one, do you go out as a couple still, is all well in the bedroom. You say step daughter, do you all get on well. Have you children together. The chap is proberbly married and getting a cheap kick out of texting rude things. I think your wife has been lulled into thinking this man cares, to me she sounds like she wants attention, so start giving her lots of love if that does not work wait till after xmas and tell her you know her secret. I would kill my hubby if he did it to me as Im such a jealous person, Id have stamped on his phone by now and he would have lost all contacts and i would insist on him having a new number. I wouldnt trust him ever again, but thats me
Hi,
I can relate to this as i've had very similar, though for me the guy in question was someone who she worked with (or did he had left and that's why they had exchanged numbers)
You will have to at some point discuss this or it willl eat you up from the inside and you marraige won't work, you will spend more and more time trying to check her phone and checking up on her and if she ever goes out on her own you will suspect where she is going and who with.
you are likely to get a harsh respnce of "why are you checking up on me" but you then need to try and find out why she felt the need to go on this site, I'd agree with AK57 that the guy is probably married and is getting off on whats being passed between them, and your wife probably has no intention of taking it any further, but is enjoying the attension.
whether you do you have this conversation before or after christmas is up too you, but remember it's your christmas too and if your constantly watching your wife waiting for her to pick up her phone it probably won't be an enjoyable one as you will be snappy and off the whole time, you stil have a week until christmas so maybe talk it over sooner so it can all settle before.
As long as you relationship is strong (you will know this) you can get through this, like AK57 i'm very jealouse and hated the thought of what wasa happening, to this day I don't really know what was being passed back and fourth as it was always deleted all I know is that a lot of messages got passed between them.
You will need to face this and work your way through it or it will destroy any chance you have of haveing a happy marraige
Darren
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.