[Solved] Why am I sabotaging my marriage?

Have you thought about perhaps going to counselling on your own? It might help you figure some things out about what you want, rather than what the marriage needs and then maybe you could start looking at moving forward, however that might be? I would say for now, if you're not intending to leave, it could be wise to stop chatting to the person you had the affair with just for now? I doubt your wife could move past that again if you suddenly decided you wanted to work things out.

Hi There,
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I agree counselling on your own could be a huge help for you, you may come out of it feeling that the relationship is over, or it could spur you on to make changes to repair the relationship you have with your wife.
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Is it possible for you to change your job so that you no longer have contact with the female you had the affair with, if you wanted to repair the relationship with your wife this would be a huge help and would hopefully show her that you want her and are willing to make changes to stay together.
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If it were me and my partner still worked and was in contact with someone who they had, had an afair with I would never feel like I could trust them when they are still spending time with that person, whether that was in a work capacity or not.
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GTTS

Thanks for the reply chaps...I should have been clearer, the affair was 2.5 years ago and I no longer work with the lass. The contact was through a rather random LinkedIn post I did, but it was enough to tip the scales.

As an update I went back to counseling yesterday and explored my behavior. It appears that being in a high pressure environment (both work and home) for a sustained amount of time is beginning to take it's toll. I'm almost pushing the self-destruct button just to find some relief. Even if the decisions I'm being somewhat forced to make aren't necessarily the right ones.

I'm going to try and slow things down, if that's not acceptable I'll just have to live with whatever decision is made.

Hi There,
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I guess if you have already been back to counselling then you have already started to do what you can, I don't know what else to suggest, but if I'm being honest it sounds as though you are making almost excuses rather than deal with whats going on, so in your words sabotaging things, and if that is what you are doing then you need to think hard about what you really want from your relationship and maybe life in general.
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GTTS

Keep at the counselling, and even when you hopefully are sorted out, I would go back for an occasional "top up" session, perhaps every couple of months. The fact that you are doing this means that you must think it's worth saving, you just need to get it clear in your mind what makes it so.

I think to a certain extent that is fair comment, but as always, it's FAR more complicated...but there is no denying that at this very moment, it's my behaviour derailing things. I need to get to the bottom of that, or just leave. I'm not being fair on anyone, I know that.

Thanks, that's how I see it. I'm not giving up, but I'm also perhaps not doing enough. In my heart I kind of know why, probably just too afraid to admit it. We'll see...

This is a great forum, so useful. I'll be regular now and hope I can help some folk out...

Hi mate, sorry to hear about your situation.

I swear down that I was reading myself posting your messages. Everything you say is exactly what I'm going through/feeling at the minute. I had an affair 20 month ago (revealed 14 month ago). Married for 10 years, together 17 and have two children 5 & 2.

I can't come to a decision to leave or stay, I find myself fantasising about a life on my own, having the kids weekends etc and even meeting new women. I however don't know if it's me just wanting relief from the situation. When we argue about something, and mirroring what you said about how you feel you are derailing things I feel exactly the same. Sometimes I will cause situations and it will end up in an explosive argument and she tells me how it's not working and I offer to leave but she just says she doesn't know if thats the right thing to do but doesn't know if she loves me or if she cares for our relationship. I have offered to leave on numerous occasions and I don't know if subconciously that is what I want yet I just don't have the [censored] to go through with it and want her to make that decision. I keep telling myself that I must still love her cause it does hurt when I think about us separating and I tell her I do still love her and that's not fair if deep down I don't but I just don't really know, I keep telling myself I want out for some reason but can't do it.

However, on the other side of the coin though when we are talking, we get on really well, make each other laugh but it doesn't feel right. I think I'm codependent on her as I'm consistantly trying to please her and I find it hard to say no to anything she says as I feel I 'should' be doing everything right because of what I done. Even half my day can be consumed with thinking about her texting me hoping she would to make me feel better but longer we are going through this I feel what I'm striving for from her to make me happy is having less and less effect.

I totally feel for you mate because it's horrible to not know what you want. (Even worse for the women though because, for mine anyway I have destroyed her life but she just will not acknowledge that the marriage wasn't perfect before and she is hanging onto the victim status and not willing to even talk about it anymore, she just blocks it out).

I don't know if what I have said echo's with you but it just to let you know that you're not the only one who is thinking this and I'm glad i found this thread to know I'm not the only one.

Hello mate...[censored] [censored], snap. We are obviously experiencing the same emotions and situation, and we are allowed to have some feelings, despite what our wives say.

That victim mentality is all too familiar, understandable of course, but my wife and I have explored every aspect of the affair in counselling. We looked at our lives, marriage, relationship...it was brutal, the rows and tears were heartbreaking. However I thought we'd got somewhere, she could see how I was being pushed away and I saw how I should have been better at really telling her how I felt and what affect her behaviour was having on me, not run away.

But since it fell apart again, it's all my fault, everything. I'm evil incarnate, a disgusting human being. The real fact is I'm a great dad, good friend, quite a nice bloke and I have always done the best for my family ...I've just been a sh*t husband to her..and that I totally accept...she's even gone so far as saying I'm mentally ill FFS!!

I'm sure your kids are such a massive factor in things, mine is, and the fact that a majority of the time you are OK (ish) and get by. We are the same - but something is horribly wrong.

For me I think we've worked really hard, tried everything, but things have come to end, I'm beginning to accept that. I don't want to be this miserable anymore and I hate being the cause of my wife's misery (although she doesn't believe I care enough). Life is too short. Plus I'm afraid it'll begin to spill out and my son will notice. Although I think he already knows something is up, kids are so perceptive.

For you, have you tried couple's counselling? If you say that real love is there is may be worth a go, we found it very good. If that's not an option, get some counselling for you, at least explore what's in your head.

I don't fantasise about a new life, girlfriend etc...I know how hard it's going to be, starting again, splitting up, financially crippling....but I (we) can't live like this anymore.

Good luck dude.

Hi mate,

I know this is a really old thread but just wondering how you have been getting on since you posted this?

For me, guess what, after all this time I feel I'm back to the same situation. Still apparently the maker of all the problems, she's still the victim and she says she doesn't know if she loves me and that it hasn't been working for ages.

I've tried to talk to her like an adult about our problems but she doesn't want to know. It's really getting tiring now and I really don't know which way to turn. I've even been back for my own counselling which has helped massively in understanding my behaviour and how we seem to be quite different in how we interpret love. I wish there was an answer to all of this because I can't keep going on feeling this way, The last 2.5 years have been horrible (apart from the good times spent with the kids!)

Hope you're doing well dude and better than my situation.

Hi BrumBrumDad,

Well I have to say I'm very sorry to hear you are still struggling dude, you must be exhausted.

For me everything has changed. I reached a point where I felt we had to call it quits before everything became so toxic that my son began to notice and be affected, I just couldn't have that. I spoke to lots of people who said that in the end if you did it right, my son would be OK.

So around June last year, I told my wife that I felt we had reached a point where it was never going to work and that we should separate. She agreed and bizarrely it was like a weight had been lifted for both us, as soon as the decision was made we focused on the only important thing, our little boy. We agreed that we would tell him together and explain that we would always be mummy and daddy, still love him and each other, but we felt we'd be better off as friends living in different houses.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done and for a week or so his behaviour changed, but together we comforted him, tried to explain more and kept demonstrating our commitment and love to him, and even to each other!

I'm now divorced and living just around the corner from my ex-wife and little boy. We are maintaining a really strong parental relationship, constantly demonstrating to our son that we are friends and still very much mummy and daddy. We sometimes go out to lunch together, I text/message everyday and we have a really flexible approach to visiting/looking after him.

I'm so much happier, my ex-wife seems happy too and my little boy hasn't been affected at all. We are very proud of how we are working together to do the right thing. It's not easy, but it shows it can be done.

I'm not sure what to suggest to you but I hope you can see from my story that by being open, honest and realising when it's time to make a decision, that there can be a way forward for you and you family.

Good luck my friend. I hope things work out for you.