[Solved] Where is my mind?

Hi Everyone,

Last year in September I did the unthinkable, and had an affair which lasted 6 weeks. During that time I attempted to tell my wife about it on one occasion, but bottled it the moment the words were about to come out. From the look on her face I somewhat felt she knew what I was about to tell her. During the conversation I broke down and became overly apologetic and nonsensical. From that point on, unbeknown to me she started going through my emails, phone records and bank statements.

We've been having difficulties for about 5 years now; it's been a struggle. We're originally from Bristol and moved to London back in 2008. Things between us then were good and we decided to try for a child. She fell pregnant that same year. I was unhappy in my job in London and was missing Bristol. Given that she had no intention of going back to work for at least 2 years, I expressed my grievances with regards to my job and wanting to move back to Bristol. However she wanted to move down to West Sussex where her family live. I wasn't too keen on the idea and so she eventually agreed to move back to Bristol. My son was born later that year and this was really the turning point for us.

My son was born with congenital sensorineural deafness. We don't know what caused it. We underwent blood tests for a specific gene and various other illnesses which may have caused it, all of which we were clear of. When living in London, my wife did get extremely ill with flu during the early stages of pregnancy and that may have been the cause. Anyway this both hit us very hard. He required a lot of attention, and hardly ever slept. He's now 5 and still he's a terrible sleeper and very demanding. He wears bilateral hearing aids and has no problem hearing when wearing them, for which we are truly grateful.

During that time, my wife and I became very stressed and tired. We stopped working together and disagreed on just about everything. By this time I was working for a different company in Bristol and did everything I possibly could to provide them the most comfortable and secure lifestyles. I still do for that matter. My wife suffered from post natal depression, and the deafness just made it worse for her along with the sleepless nights. I was working long hours and possibly had my priorities somewhat unbalanced. By this time she started accusing me of not helping out enough with my son. She needed a break, and then started attacking me for not agreeing to move closer to the in-laws for added support. 3 months later my son had an umbilical hernia which was quite horrific. He suffered from colic as well, so I understood why my wife was so upset with me. I had no idea it was going to turn out like this.

When he was 1.5 years, things had settled. My wife was getting involved in social activities and I was really enjoying my job. We decided to have another child. This time the pregnancy was even worse than before. My wife was in excruciating pain for most of the pregnancy but eventually gave birth to a healthy little girl. My wife again suffered post natal depression, but this time even worse than before. She stopped talking to me, and when not tending to the children would spend much of her time on Facebook. I'd be at work and she'd be looking after the kids. I'd get home, make dinner for all of us and play with the children and help in getting them to bed. After that she would sit down in front of Facebook and ignore me. After a while it seemed I served one purpose in life, and that was to provide for them. This went on for another 2 years. Eventually both kids were in nursery school and my wife was home alone. She did nothing to keep the house in order and became very untidy to the point of leaving used women's sanitary pads on the basin, used cotton buds under the bed, laundry scattered all over the place, and seldom bothered with general house work. The house became a pigsty during the day. Occasionally she'd meet up with friends while the children were at school, but did nothing around the house. During this time she gained a huge amount of weight, possibly in excess of 5 stone. The only time the house was cleaned was when I cleaned it after getting home from work, and this would be after I spent time with the children and helped with homework, bath time and dinner. Eventually she took up a sewing hobby which meant fabric was all over the place. There was no order in the house and it was really getting me down. I enjoy playing the piano, but she'd ask me to stop because it would annoy her, or she'd insult the music I played and enjoyed. Communication by this stage had completely broken down unless it was an argument of some sort. Most of the time I was being accused for various things like not helping out enough, or not being understanding enough. Whatever I did, it just was never enough for her.

After a year of no physical intimacy and even more years of no emotional intimacy, and a lot of disagreements I started to suffer from depression. Something weird happened at that point, and this takes me back to the beginning of this post. I met a woman through a friend of mine. We just hit it off right from the start. It was so unexpected, but she completely lifted my spirit. I felt liberated and alive again. I'm 38 and yes, I know this was very wrong of me. After we first met, I arranged to meet up with her again. This went on for six weeks, and selfishly I spent a lot of time with her. I never once had [censored] with her. She knew I was married and didn't want to interfere. But emotionally and mentally we just bonded. We spoke for hours on end about everything and anything. Then during that time, my wife, who I believe wasn't aware of what I was doing just decided that she had had enough and wanted to move down to West Sussex with or without me. I knew this wasn't practical because she was not in a financial position to do so. It was at that time I attempted to tell her about this woman I had been spending time with. I broke down, she broke down and we discussed everything openly with the exception of my deceit. I could tell she was at breaking point, and I felt sorry for her. Despite the state of our relationship I still loved her, and still do. I agreed to make the move. I started job hunting down that side of the country and found a suitable position. We moved shortly afterwards and it was then at that time when going through my emails she found some correspondence with the other woman. Nothing explicit or sexual, just talking about innocent stuff, but it was enough for my wife to completely lose it.

My wife demanded that I went for counselling. She refused to let me leave the house except for work. During this time her brother was struggling to find accommodation, so I agreed to let him stay with us for a maximum of two months while he got he got back onto his feet. This turned into three months, and he moved his girlfriend in as well. I wasn't happy about it, but put up with it even though I had two kids to raise as well. My wife understandably heartbroken, betrayed and distrustful, wouldn't let me out of the house to visit friends or family. This went on for four months. I was under house arrest. I stopped going to the gym, I stopped playing the piano, I stopped talking to this other woman. All I did was go to work, come home, clean the house and be a parent. Now eight months later, she wants a divorce. I deserve everything I get but I love my kids more than anything and this is devastating for me. I went on fluoxetine for a while but it didn't help. I don't think I need an SSRI for what is a very tangible problem. I'm now on citalopram which is helping to reduce the anxiety. I've told my parents and sister what I did, because I felt they deserved an explanation as to why I had not visited them for such a long time. My wife has told her entire family what I did, and as far as she is concerned I did sleep with this other woman, and her family believe this as well. She even started emailing this other woman and despite being told the contrary, she refuses to believe we did not sleep together. I did want to sleep with her, I've not been intimate with my wife for so long, but we just didn't.

My wife and I are now officially separated, but we're still living under the same roof. She wants me out ASAP, but I simply can't afford it now. Supporting the family and having just moved, I can't for several months at least. She's always so angry with me, and has been for years. I don't want to move away from my children, but perhaps it's for the best? Even though we're separated now, I'm still paying all the bills and supporting her in every way I can and will continue to do so. I'm just so tired of being told that I need psychiatric help, and that I never listen, and that I'm a selfish child. I get told this by her regularly, and perhaps it's true; but I can't put up with insults and guilt anymore.

I'm sorry for such a long post, but thanks for reading. I feel like I've got a load off my chest.