[Solved] When do you know it's over?...

Been in a relationship with the same woman for 19 years since we met at university. We've got two kids - aged 7 and 3 - who I love dearly but I've just felt like our relationship is sliding into the abyss. I don't want to reach 40 in a few years feeling like I should have made a decision for the sake of us all that could make everyone's life better.

I think she's unaware of how I feel, even though in the past I've had odd little episodes where I've tried to tell her how frustrated with life and our relationship is. She just told me to put up and shut up in a sense, not really taking me seriously because she just put it down to me having a sulk. She wasn't horrible, just blunt (in a female way) that I should get one with things and not dwell.

She's a good woman, a great mother and she's been through her own depressions over the years to which I've been the shoulder to cry on. But for the last 6-8 months I've just felt that our relationship is something that exists because it's familiar, because it just is if you get what I mean? We do the normal things of going to kids parties, seeing friends (and their kids) on a weekend, going through the endless drudge of talking about the next home improvement or thing we'll do in the garden. But we just sit on en evening, not really talking, usually looking on our phones or me doing some work. I'm starting to find myself just blanking out conversations and getting irritated with her, which I know is not a good thing. I'm daydreaming more and thinking about the things I can do on my own, not incorporating her into my plans if I can help it. That sounds awful...

We have blazing rows more often than we should, again because one of us needles the other (I think it's her, but maybe I'm blind to my own attitude) and our [censored] life is non-existent. It's a relationship where we do still have a laugh - usually attributed to the kids doing something funny - but I just feel that this isn't what either of us should be enduring.

She's recently started a new job after some time off and it's totally thrown my own work time into chaos, but I've tried to adapt to it because she's totally entitled to build a career back up. But I don't want to start resenting her for everything. I think (not so) deep down I am a selfish bloke who wants the excitement of relationships sold to me in films (etc). That thing where the person you're in a relationship with makes you happy every time you see them. I just don't get that now; she's turning into just a woman I live with who I have many shared memories with but we sleep on other sides of the bed. Bedtime is pretty much the perfect breakdown of what our relationship is like...

For me it's come to a bit of a head after a work trip away to Europe. Spent several days with blokes who were all up for a laugh and we did the obvious thing of talking to a few girls, nothing but a bit of banter and some laughs on the whole. I felt fun again. However, I met one woman who was totally on my wavelength; we talked until everyone else had left and ended up chatting and kissing until we left at 4am. It didn't go any further but we swapped numbers and sent a few messages to each other, nothing overtly flirty but chatty. I've never done that kind of thing before but I surprised myself at how natural and good it felt to meet someone new. It felt good to have someone pay attention who you fancy.

I'm now sat here reading everything I can about breakups, about dealing with them when you have kids, chewing my brain up every second of the day about whether it's the right thing to do to call time before I become a daft bloke and go and do something to upset my other half in a bid to give the breakup momentum.

I know the reality is that the effort I put into my current relationship has waned and that makes me a bad person for just wanting to give up. Nearly 20 years and two children is a big deal but is it right to stick with convention and just carry one because that's what you're expected to do? I look around and see people happy and in love and I just don't feel that.

I have friends who's split with their other half and their kids have been fine and ultimately, they've come out stronger. But it scares me that I'll regret changing the status quo and that family and friends will go berserk and distance themselves. I've been sitting in my car on the way to work trying to make sense of how I feel and it's wearing me down.

If you haven't already lost interest, apologies for the essay, but I think I had to at least say something to some. I spoke to a friend on the way back from our trip about it (he's having similar doubts about long-term commitment to his girlfriend) and it felt good to talk about it but I know I couldn't burden him with too much as he has his own problem.

This is tough and i feel like a right shitty person at the moment.