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When do you know it...
 
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[Solved] When do you know it's over?...

 
 PM79
(@PM79)
New Member Registered

Been in a relationship with the same woman for 19 years since we met at university. We've got two kids - aged 7 and 3 - who I love dearly but I've just felt like our relationship is sliding into the abyss. I don't want to reach 40 in a few years feeling like I should have made a decision for the sake of us all that could make everyone's life better.

I think she's unaware of how I feel, even though in the past I've had odd little episodes where I've tried to tell her how frustrated with life and our relationship is. She just told me to put up and shut up in a sense, not really taking me seriously because she just put it down to me having a sulk. She wasn't horrible, just blunt (in a female way) that I should get one with things and not dwell.

She's a good woman, a great mother and she's been through her own depressions over the years to which I've been the shoulder to cry on. But for the last 6-8 months I've just felt that our relationship is something that exists because it's familiar, because it just is if you get what I mean? We do the normal things of going to kids parties, seeing friends (and their kids) on a weekend, going through the endless drudge of talking about the next home improvement or thing we'll do in the garden. But we just sit on en evening, not really talking, usually looking on our phones or me doing some work. I'm starting to find myself just blanking out conversations and getting irritated with her, which I know is not a good thing. I'm daydreaming more and thinking about the things I can do on my own, not incorporating her into my plans if I can help it. That sounds awful...

We have blazing rows more often than we should, again because one of us needles the other (I think it's her, but maybe I'm blind to my own attitude) and our [censored] life is non-existent. It's a relationship where we do still have a laugh - usually attributed to the kids doing something funny - but I just feel that this isn't what either of us should be enduring.

She's recently started a new job after some time off and it's totally thrown my own work time into chaos, but I've tried to adapt to it because she's totally entitled to build a career back up. But I don't want to start resenting her for everything. I think (not so) deep down I am a selfish bloke who wants the excitement of relationships sold to me in films (etc). That thing where the person you're in a relationship with makes you happy every time you see them. I just don't get that now; she's turning into just a woman I live with who I have many shared memories with but we sleep on other sides of the bed. Bedtime is pretty much the perfect breakdown of what our relationship is like...

For me it's come to a bit of a head after a work trip away to Europe. Spent several days with blokes who were all up for a laugh and we did the obvious thing of talking to a few girls, nothing but a bit of banter and some laughs on the whole. I felt fun again. However, I met one woman who was totally on my wavelength; we talked until everyone else had left and ended up chatting and kissing until we left at 4am. It didn't go any further but we swapped numbers and sent a few messages to each other, nothing overtly flirty but chatty. I've never done that kind of thing before but I surprised myself at how natural and good it felt to meet someone new. It felt good to have someone pay attention who you fancy.

I'm now sat here reading everything I can about breakups, about dealing with them when you have kids, chewing my brain up every second of the day about whether it's the right thing to do to call time before I become a daft bloke and go and do something to upset my other half in a bid to give the breakup momentum.

I know the reality is that the effort I put into my current relationship has waned and that makes me a bad person for just wanting to give up. Nearly 20 years and two children is a big deal but is it right to stick with convention and just carry one because that's what you're expected to do? I look around and see people happy and in love and I just don't feel that.

I have friends who's split with their other half and their kids have been fine and ultimately, they've come out stronger. But it scares me that I'll regret changing the status quo and that family and friends will go berserk and distance themselves. I've been sitting in my car on the way to work trying to make sense of how I feel and it's wearing me down.

If you haven't already lost interest, apologies for the essay, but I think I had to at least say something to some. I spoke to a friend on the way back from our trip about it (he's having similar doubts about long-term commitment to his girlfriend) and it felt good to talk about it but I know I couldn't burden him with too much as he has his own problem.

This is tough and i feel like a right shitty person at the moment.

Quote
Topic starter Posted : 11/02/2017 4:13 pm
(@dadmod4)
Illustrious Member

You don't want to make the wrong decision now, something that you will regret later on, so while you are right that staying in a bad relationship might not be the right thing to do, giving up first without trying to make it better first is definitely the wrong decision in my opinion. I would strongly suggest that you go to see someone like Relate before you give up on the marriage. However much you've seen others go through divorces and come out fine, I have seen the same, and indeed been though more than one divorce myself, and indeed, I have come through them well, though the one where my children were still young still had an affect on my children, however much I tried to shield them from the worst issues. The people I envy are my friends who are still married to the same person they were originally married to.
As long as there isn't any serious issue (in my case, an alcoholic ex wife was something that couldn't be fixed), then I would strongly recommend that you first try to fix the issues in your marriage. If you do that, and ultimately it can't be resolved, at least then you know in your heart that you tried your best.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12/02/2017 1:52 am
 Mojo
(@Mojo)
Illustrious Member Registered

... I agree with actd, but I just wanted to say that you're not a bad person, or shifty! all relationships hit a trough and it takes time and effort to get back up on the crest...although that first flush of love and the excitement is always replaced by a more comfortable and predictable love...it would be very rare for that not to be the case.

Relate may be an answer, at least it would get things out in the open....it wouldn't be fair to keep her in a date of unawareness about how you e been feeling. It takes two to create a relationship problem, but it also takes the two f you to fix it. Here's a link to the Relate website....couple counselling has moved on a lot and they can offer indirect counselling now too.

www.relate.org.uk

All the best

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12/02/2017 8:49 pm
(@motherofafather)
Honorable Member Registered

Hello PM79,

In answer to your question quote, "when do you know it's over?" I don't think a person can know until they have explored the issues with their partner by communicating ( 50% talking and 50% listening). A totally open and honest expression of feelings and preferences is necessary. If neither of you were able to keep to the point of the issue a third party may be of help to stop any deviation from a specific subject being discussed.

Equally as important as communication is compromise from both partners. When it comes to compromise my yardstick is, "are they being / am I being / fair and reasonable?"

I think your situation is so common when you have been together for a long period, bringing up a family and have work commitments. We can get overtaken with the demands made on us and can begin to feel totally overwhelmed and unhappy as the needs we personally have are no longer being met. I believe it is so important to discuss our personal needs with our partners as catering for these provide the foundation to build a healthy relationship but to achieve this we need to communicate and compromise.

It would appear you have a social life with friends and their children. Added to which you are both working, organizing the garden and making home improvements, you are busy people BUT in all of this how much time do you make for each other? I am sure both of you would benefit from regularly going for an evening out together, just the two of you. With a touch of both spontaneity and romanticism it may rekindle a spark which has laid dormant for a little longer than it should have.

If you can both communicate and compromise in an appropriate manner, each cater for the others personal needs and depending on whether the effort both of you make is successful or not, it is not until then do I believe you will find an answer to your question.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13/02/2017 2:34 am
 Yoda
(@yoda)
Famed Member

I agree with actd & Mojo - try Relate if you can. I've seen both men & women start a flirtation and walk away from relationships with children involved, only to regret it later on. However much you try and shield children from a separation, it's never without some issues for them. If you can work things out, amazing. If you can't, then perhaps you can both walk away knowing you did everything.

Best of luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13/02/2017 10:43 pm
(@got-the-tshirt)
Famed Member Registered

Hi There,
.
I agree completely with the above and I do think you need to explore all of the options before you make any decisions.
.
If you can go somewhere like relate then I'm sure that woukd help you make your mind up, one way or another, it would either help you both understand what you both need to do to resolve the slump you are in, or help you to decide that their is no future there for either of you.
.
As well as relate, I would also try and find an activity that you both would enjoy and arrange for the children to be looked after so that you can go out and enjoy time just the 2 of you and see if you can get that spark back.
.
GTTS

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15/02/2017 9:02 am
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