[Solved] Want children to meet 'new' GF - how to approach?

Hi there

I think you are right to be concerned about your oldest child's reaction, especially given that your partner was the affairee and she is so close to her mother on this....

You say that you have had a difficult year or so with her although you are now in a good place....might it be too soon to burden her with this new situation, I would be inclined to wait a while longer. The move up to secondary school is a big event and I would be inclined to allow her to settle into her new school and cement your relationship further before introducing her to the next phase.

Have you, can you talk to the mother about this? Is she aware of the status quo? I can see that it would be difficult but if you can get your ex to see that it's time to move things forward and much better for the children if you can both be civil about it....

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks Mojo,

I can speak to the mother and it was my intention to do so beforehand. However, I am expecting a very strong resistance (who wouldn't) and complete refusal to allow it to happen even though I know legally she cannot stop me. She is aware that I have been seeing this woman for over a year now, but we don't talk about it overtly. I am in fact as concerned about my wife's reaction as I am my daughters, truth be told... her wellness of mind is important to the kids as well but how long can you leave it? Its been two years...

Cheers

...I can understand your predicament and your expectations of the mother and your daughters reactions. I wish I could offer something more constructive but I guess if you wait for the right time then it would never happen.

Talking to the mother first is the best way to go, you might not get a good reaction at first but if you give it time things may improve. You can argue that many in your position wouldn't wait for her cooperation but you want to try and make it as comfortable for her and the kids as you can and that means having her agreement and input on how to proceed....it was never going to be easy, but you knew that I'm sure...good luck.

I wouldn't upset the applecart and try and keep it under wraps for a while longer, As you have just got on an even keel with the eldest I wouldn't risk going back to square one, This is bound to kick off your ex and strain relationships with them all.

Is there any way that you can have a conversation about it with both your ex and your eldest in the same room at the same time? It might be good that both of them can express their feelings to both you and each other in the same conversation rather than separately, and if your daughter isn't ready for it yet, then there's no point in jeopardising the relationship you have with your ex for something that might not even happen. You could consider using Relate for that conversation.

I was your daughter in this situation.
My mum is still bitter this far on in life and I don't think it will ever get any easier for your ex either (even if she does move on it was never her intention for the break of your marriage).

From experience I feel the best option is to always tell the truth.
Get your daughter on her own and tell her you love her and that will never change no matter who walks in and out of your life. (She may have doubts). Tell her that your new partner is here to stay and that she would love to meet her and take her somewhere (of her choice) to get to know her. Let them build a relationship at a pace that works for your daughter and don't force it.

Your ex on the other hand may already see this coming and something she may have planned for if the occasion was to arise, as it has. Let her express how she feels and tell her you would rather work with her then against her where possible.