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Hi there,
Not sure if this is in the right place, but here goes anyway...
I have been separated and moved out of the family home for nearly 2 years. I have a 'new' partner and I would like her to meet the kids this year. Now, I've read the usual text on how to introduce kids to new partners of parents but my situation is more complicated. The issue is that my partner is the person that I had an affair with which ultimately ended the marriage and the split has been acrimonious at times (understandably so, from my wife's perspective).
I have 3 children and it's the eldest that I am most concerned about approaching this with. She is coming up to secondary school age and she has suffered most visibly with the split. We are in a good place now, but its been a difficult year or so and I think she empathises massively with her mother who has had a tough time of it. Given her age though, it feels disingenuous to slowly bring my new partner onto the scene via 'chance meetings' or other such parades, and my gut feel is to come clean with my eldest and try and give her the truth (age appropriate, naturally) and let her work through it with the appropriate support. She is bound to find out at some point and I fear this could cause bigger issues.
Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice on this? For what its worth, I think the younger children probably can do with the text book introductions for the moment...
Many thanks in advance.
Hi there
I think you are right to be concerned about your oldest child's reaction, especially given that your partner was the affairee and she is so close to her mother on this....
You say that you have had a difficult year or so with her although you are now in a good place....might it be too soon to burden her with this new situation, I would be inclined to wait a while longer. The move up to secondary school is a big event and I would be inclined to allow her to settle into her new school and cement your relationship further before introducing her to the next phase.
Have you, can you talk to the mother about this? Is she aware of the status quo? I can see that it would be difficult but if you can get your ex to see that it's time to move things forward and much better for the children if you can both be civil about it....
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Thanks Mojo,
I can speak to the mother and it was my intention to do so beforehand. However, I am expecting a very strong resistance (who wouldn't) and complete refusal to allow it to happen even though I know legally she cannot stop me. She is aware that I have been seeing this woman for over a year now, but we don't talk about it overtly. I am in fact as concerned about my wife's reaction as I am my daughters, truth be told... her wellness of mind is important to the kids as well but how long can you leave it? Its been two years...
Cheers
...I can understand your predicament and your expectations of the mother and your daughters reactions. I wish I could offer something more constructive but I guess if you wait for the right time then it would never happen.
Talking to the mother first is the best way to go, you might not get a good reaction at first but if you give it time things may improve. You can argue that many in your position wouldn't wait for her cooperation but you want to try and make it as comfortable for her and the kids as you can and that means having her agreement and input on how to proceed....it was never going to be easy, but you knew that I'm sure...good luck.
I wouldn't upset the applecart and try and keep it under wraps for a while longer, As you have just got on an even keel with the eldest I wouldn't risk going back to square one, This is bound to kick off your ex and strain relationships with them all.
Is there any way that you can have a conversation about it with both your ex and your eldest in the same room at the same time? It might be good that both of them can express their feelings to both you and each other in the same conversation rather than separately, and if your daughter isn't ready for it yet, then there's no point in jeopardising the relationship you have with your ex for something that might not even happen. You could consider using Relate for that conversation.
I was your daughter in this situation.
My mum is still bitter this far on in life and I don't think it will ever get any easier for your ex either (even if she does move on it was never her intention for the break of your marriage).
From experience I feel the best option is to always tell the truth.
Get your daughter on her own and tell her you love her and that will never change no matter who walks in and out of your life. (She may have doubts). Tell her that your new partner is here to stay and that she would love to meet her and take her somewhere (of her choice) to get to know her. Let them build a relationship at a pace that works for your daughter and don't force it.
Your ex on the other hand may already see this coming and something she may have planned for if the occasion was to arise, as it has. Let her express how she feels and tell her you would rather work with her then against her where possible.