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I would value any help with this as it is hard for me to unravel. My ex and I signed a separation agreement in August after she had an affair and left me and our 2 boys in July. I don't think she paid much attention to the detail other than the financial settlement. In the early days after she left contact with our son was very haphazard (her reason was her work, I felt she should have organized regular times to see him). I said she should have regular times to see him and gave Tues, Thurs and Sun as an example. With no thought she said OK and said Tues, Thurs and Sun was fine and this was written in the agreement.
She has never kept to this and it has been, and now is about the only, bone of contention that is stopping us all moving on. When I challenged her previously she would promise that it would improve when she started a new job role with a fixed shift pattern and gave me a timetable for the 3 days which I agreed to.
Since starting the new job it has been, if anything, worse! This week she saw him for only 35 minutes on Tuesday as she was having her hair done then phoned him on Tuesday night to say she couldn't see him on Thursday as she was out for the day shopping! Other weeks have followed a similar pattern. When I challenge her she says he is happy to see her whenever, she doesn't need my permission to see him, it's me who has a problem not her or him etc etc.
My question's are:
Does anyone think I should stop challenging and let her see him whenever? (The agreement does say "at other times by mutual agreement")
I wonder if she is determined to continue the conflict as if she keeps to the agreement her old life (including relationships with her family) are finished, her only contact will be with our son and her 93 year old grandmother.
Any other idea why she refuses so vehemently to stick to what she agreed when surely anyone would recognize that regular contact is best for our son and that 99% of contact is formalized, surely only the most amicable of splits could result in the ad hoc contact she is insisting on?
Thanks for your time and thoughts,
Cw70
Hi,
It's difficult as at 8yrs old your son is at an age where he wants to please, so will tell her one thing and you another, otherwise I would say talk to him and see what he wants to happen.
I think though you are right, it's not really acceptable to change arrangements and let your son down for things like shopping or to have her hair done, if it were down to working patterns though annoying we all have to work and can't always pick the shifts we do, but this isn't.
Is there anyone that your son is close to that could gently ask him what he would like?
In my view he should have regular contact with his mum, but if she isn't making the effort then she will damage her relationship with him.
GTTS
I agree with GTTS, she is letting him down when she puts her hairdresser and shopping above contact and she is being very selfish IMO.
It's possibly her way of having control of the situation, seeing him at her convenience, her statement that she doesn't need your permission is telling.
Perhaps mediation might help to get her to understand the importance of continuity and routine for your son, but if her attitude continues and you pick up signs of distress in your son then it's better sorted out sooner rather than later.
Hi
I agree with Mojo and GTTS.
I don't think you are being unreasonable to have set times. As you say this is a factor of seperated parents.Ultimately I guess it comes down to whether you are willing to accept this adhoc type of access.I'm not sure I would.
Perhaps having a conversation about how missing these times is hurting your sons could help? Also maybe you could plan flexibly a couple of weeks in advance to allow some flexibility but also not being completely adhoc.
I agrees with mojo that this may be a control thing - and if you feel the same will of course limit your motivation to do any of the above.
These situations are very difficult and I think if you can take as step back and look at how you are behaving and say I think I am being fair and reasonable then sometimes you just need to stand your ground.
I hope you are able to work this out soon,
MH
Hi I would second the last part of the above,
When I was going through divorce and contact issues, I would always give myself time to think about what I was asking for or doing and think is that fair, I would often find that even if I thought it was my ex wouldn't but at least I knew I was going the right track.
GTTS