[Solved] Trapped with a Hypochondriac

I have been with my partner for 7 years, when we met she already had two children one 16 months and one 6 years old I very quickly fell into the father role and loved it, I gave up every aspect of single life and quickly gave up drinking, smoking and socialising because I wanted to spend all of my time with them, a walk in the park with my children is far more enjoyable than any night out. After a few years we had another child and everything was going great, I had a decent job provided for all of my children and would never ever complain about being with them instead of friends, people started saying I was getting obsessed and who wouldn’t be with their own children.

My partner, despite the gorgeous, independent, energetic, take on the world attitude I loved when we met - soon stopped caring about housework or having a tidy house and became so lazy, it would be fair to say she likes the “dole” lifestyle and knows every loophole to get the most benefits I would die laughing before she did a day at work. And despite having 3 kids I wouldn't really call her the maternal type, she would choose a night out at bingo rather than a trip to the beach with her children.

Things started to go downhill fast when my partner realised that she could get what she wanted by using my obsession with my children, if we ever argued, which was starting to happen more frequently every time she’d almost start the argument with “right I’m taking the kids, you’ll never see them again!” (her family live over 150 miles away) this obviously frightened me every time.

Because of this I have never been able to win an argument, some of which need winning, such as her wasting all of our money gambling and on cigarettes and signing up for every loan that would take my name, despite my fairly decent income she is not only spending it but designating it too, I have to ask for money out of my own earnings and this usually equates to £10 a week for me which will usually be spent on a round of ice creams at the park for my kids. If i complain about money or the lack of work she’s doing at home she threatens me with the children. I tried to stand strong in one argument and call her bluff so she retaliated with “I’m going to tell **our middle son** that you’re not his real father” (a subject that I know needs approaching at 7yrs old, but not like this) so instantly I backed down. She uses my children like slaves and gets my eldest son doing stuff lie putting washing in the machine the moment he gets back from school, she bellows orders at them to fetch her things whilst she’s sat on her behind watching TV.

My way around her attitude is ignorance, instead if being at home with her, when i’m not working, I’d just go out for the entire day with my children– she would never contest this as she had the day to herself and I didn’t care because I had what I wanted.

This soon backfired tho as she started getting jealous of her own children for getting all the attention. Her way around this was to become “ill” she started being sick constantly and at first I obviously took it seriously, but as it went on and after all the anti-sickness medicine in the world “wasn’t working” and all the conversations that solely revolved around her and her periodic “illness” soon not only me but friends and family got sick of it..

It has now got to a point where she is constantly making herself sick to the point she is about 5-6 stone unlike the 10-11 stone when i met her, the constant sickness plays havoc on her diabetes and sends her into an actual ill state where she needs to be admitted to hospital, who are totally sick of seeing her. She claims she can’t eat for being sick, she can’t drink for being sick but can smoke 20 a day no problem – some days she can’t even move to be sick in a bowl, but she can pop downstairs and out the back for a cigarette.

If she is not in bed, or at hospital she’s at the doctors– who are sick of her visits because she just begs for medicines she doesn’t need and doesn’t take - they think she is a joke. I have had to come out of an already irritated work place every few weeks, or start late and leave work early so i can pick up my children whilst she is in hospital again, they’ve even started putting her in her own room at hospital just to get her out of the way because they know she feeds off telling other patients that she’s “dying”

The times that she’s not in hospital I am worried about my children being at home with her whilst I’m working, luckily my youngest has just started school full time so the time at home is only an hour or two – during the holidays i set up a web-camera that i could view from work, all 3 of my children where downstairs whilst she stayed in bed the entire day (only coming down to smoke) she gets my eldest to make them a “sandwich” or pot-noodle as a main meal so I am left cooking immediately from arriving home from work.

I’ve tried broaching the subject of depression with her, she lost her grandmother 3 years ago which I have total sympathy for, but all I get is “everyone thinks it’s in my head it isn’t! - i’m takin the kids and i’m off to be with my family”

I know I should call her bluff but could you trust someone like this with the most important 3 people in your life?, so once again she’s in hospital and i’m keeping my mouth shut again – the kids don’t even notice her missing anymore, I said to my son on Friday “Your mum’s in hospital again”, he said “ok, what’s for tea?” – this is not normal.

I took the kids to visit her last time she was in and she just sits and groans saying she wants to die (in front of kids) who just let it roll over the heads, i took my youngest and said i was off to talk to a nurse (to make sure she knew how much of a hypochondriac she is) i left my 2 eldest in the room and they were messing around and laughing – i came back two minutes later and they were uncontrollably sobbing i demanded to know what she’d said to them to which she replied “nothing” so i grabbed the kids and left, outside i asked my eldest and she’d said “sorry i’m a [censored] mum, I don’t want to be here anymore I just want to die” to her now 8, and 13 year old SICK, SICK, SICK!!!

I have on many occasions pulled a nurse to one side and asked if they are able to treat her mentally, with anti-depressants in some way, they are totally aware it is all fake but have to follow every possible procedure and rule out all illnesses before they can call it “attention seeking”

I know anyone that reads this will be thinking why don’t I try leave with the kids, get custody etc - I can’t! as mentioned before she will exploit any means of benefits and did not officially register me at her address until November last year (against her will), despite my constant appeals to make it official, not only for the obvious reasons but mainly so i could formerly adopt my children – when I enquired about adoption I was told a year’s residents is almost mandatory, so even now for my 7th year with them I can only claim 11 months residents.

I don’t know if anyone will bother to read this to the end, in someway I’m just venting i am so stuck and hate that i can’t just have a normal life with my children and the reason i won’t take drastic action is because my worst fear is losing my children – she knows I have little rights over my eldest two, it’s something she’s proud of and i’m scared if i mention this to any authoritive body they will obviously see that they should not be living this way, but they might NOT see that I am the person that will always be there to sweat, bleed and die for them and I’m scared they’d take them into care, this is something my mind would never cope with – so for the time being I will, as always just grin and bare it – the time she is in the hospital is the most trouble free time of the month, the house is clean the kids are fed and happy and the bills actually get paid.

If you did get this far thanks, please offer your thoughts of sympathy to my children and not myself , i’m proud to say i don’t need it.

G