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Hi all,
First time poster and not really sure what to expect but here goes...
Me and fiance have been together ten years and last year had a little girl, and at first things went great. Our daughter is 19months old and over the past four or five months i have been struggling with the lack of affection and attention. (i realise how that must read but will try explain)
Before the little one we had a very healthy [censored]/love life but since the little one this has almost been put to one side. We had an arguement a few months back and in a letter she wrote that if she had to choose our daughter would always come first. Now i realise that a mothers love is strong but it was hard to read and cant forget what she said...
she has made a big effort at times to try and spice things up and show atention but i still feel that she is only doing it because ihave said something and that in that back of her mind our daughter is there 24/7. Another issue is that both our parents are in other countries so we struggle to get time for just two. the impression i get is that everything is focused on our duaghter and if there is any spare time i might get some.
Im not looking for a way of getting more attention cause i have come to the relisation that im never going to be top her list again im just trying to see if anyone else has had something like this and how they dealt with it? cause im finding at the moment i have bad mood swings which is breaking us apart... and as hard as it would be i would rather have her in my life and feel like i am than the thought of her not being around....
i dont talk very well which is why it might sound right as im just typing as i think of things but im really struggling at the moment dont know what to do... i feel like if i bring this subject up again its going to push her away even more... is there a way of making her understand?
I think it's quite normal that a woman is going to put her child as the most important thing in her life, but that also includes ahead of herself, so if you put it in that context. Your fiance's hormones are also all over the place at the moment. It will take some adjusting, but the best thing you can do is to give her as much support as possible - she will appreciate that, even if it's not immediately shown. At the moment, all of you are just adjusting to 3 people (one of who is totally dependant on the other 2) when it's just been the 2 of your for the last 10 years.
Thanks for the prompt reply...
I am trying to be supportive and maybe i should be doing more but i dont know what that it...
our little girl has decide to get the terrible twos early which means even more focus is on her from my other half. Also does anyone else find that kids know exactly the right time to play up to ruin any chance of couple time???
i just feel like we are more friends than a couple. I know so many people say men only want [censored] blah blah but in my eyes its the one thing that me and her have together.... as eveything else involves little one or something else so yes it is important to me...
i dont know
I have just posted a similar/worse story on another thread it is seriously tough going I really sympathise with you at least yours is trying mine isn't I have been banished to sleeping downstairs for the last 13 months initially on a sofa that wasn't big enough until i gave up and bought a sofa bed !!
I slept on futon in the spare room for almost 2yrs because the ex wouldn’t put our little one in his cot after she’d fed him….she breast fed “on demand” every few hours until he was almost a year old…and when she weaned him off she still wouldn’t put hi back in his cot if he woke….i got used to going to bed around 11pm only to be woken by her bringing him in to our bed anytime after midnight….me being a big guy was so scared of falling asleep and rolling on to him that I was being unreasonable (in her words) to ask to put him back in his cot when he’d settled to sleep again…..
Night after night, week after week it went on. So I got used to getting in to the spare bed as I had work the following day.
It made us both irritable….when I raised the issue during the day she’d dismiss it….when I got a relative to speak with her about it she hit the roof….when I spoke with one of her friends about it who agreed with me she hit the roof again…….it totally drove a wedge between us……however my ex is a total control freak!
You mrs will just think you’re after one thing!.......unfortunately it’s a very big things for most of us guys in a relationship….but its not that big a deal to a woman from what I realise………think that’s one of the differences between men and women!
pure and simple chap, bring it down to basics, when u met what did she like about u ? find that out act with some charisma and just talk 🙂 what did u find hot about her ??? tell her maybe u dont tell her enough 🙂
Hi Darren101,
I'm sorry that you are feeling pushed out and isolated at the moment.
We find new dads often say the same thing - so you're not saying anything terrible.
It is really easy to fall into the "we're parents now" trap rather than remembering that you are also a couple as well. It's important that you both keep working on your relationship as well, now that you are parents. One thing I always remember from my childhood is, as well as being loved by my parents, they clearly loved each other.
The best advice I can give is to suggest that you talk to your fiance. Keep communicating - the important thing is to pick the right time, not when you're annoyed or frustrated. Try using "I feel" and "I would like" statements rather than "you don't" statements. Remember it's also a two way street, I'm sure there will be some things that you will need to think about or maybe approach differently. Make sure you listen to her point of view and ideas. If you are worried about talking about your feelings and wishes then why not write down some of the stuff you would like to talk about and work out what you want to say. Don't get thrown if the conversation doesn't go exactly as you have planned it (life never works that way :whistle: ). The main thing is to keep calm, be honest, open and try to make sure you listen and are open to anything she has to say.
We have some article on the site about these issues that arise after the birth. Check them out here:
Your relationship when you have a baby.
Effects of a new baby on a relationship.
[censored] after the birth
[censored] and the mummy brain.
It really sounds like the two of you could do with some date nights. Some time together without your daughter - do you have any friends nearby who can babysit for you? You need to spend sometime together having fun and enjoying all the things that made you a great couple for ten years.
I hope this advice is helpful. Keep talking to us.
Gooner
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