[Solved] Tearing my hair out , feeling down

Hi there

If you genuinely believe your son would be better off living with you, you can apply to court and self represent. Plenty of our members do exactly that and there is a lot of support here and from other sources if you choose to take that route.

You would have to attempt mediation before being allowed to make an application to court though. Legal Aid is still available for mediation if you meet the criteria & a court application costs £215.00. You can look at form EX160a to see if you qualify for a reduction or exemption for court fees.

There's no guarantee an application for residence would be successful as it's impossible to predict individual court outcomes. Regarding finances - if you had 50:50, you would not have to pay maintenance and you can look into whether you would get any assistance with benefits or childcare costs. If you had sole residence, you can look at claiming Working Tax Credits which also helps with childcare costs.

In the immediate future, if you have been threatened by the mother's partner, I would register this with the police on 101. Regarding safeguarding concerns, you might be wise to log these with Childrens Services.

Keep posting and we will try to support you or even if you just need to vent.

Best wishes

Thank you so much for your response Yoda.

To be honest i haven't really thought about self-representing as i really lack the confidence doing that sort of thing. I had to go to court to get a contact order a few years ago and that frightened me and i don't think i made myself heard at court very well.

My ex wouldn't even consider mediation before, I tried my best to get her to agree even though she wouldn't have to pay a penny and she wouldn't.

I will take a look at that form.

Regards

Hi, I was going to start a new post but it's probably better to carry on this one.

So, the situation has worsened again to the point where ex (proabably her boyfriend) has said i can not see my son again.

A quick breakdown of how it got to this point.

The past few months have been really difficult, receiving constant phone calls and texts from my ex and her partner regarding my sons behaviour. I've tried working with them and it's impossible, there no reasoning with them at all. All communication is going through her boyfriends phone, she claims to not own a phone so everything has to go through his. I've received disgustng texts of how he would love to take my current partner and "give her a good time" along with multiple threats. Whenever there's face to face communication, it's always confrontational and if I don't agree with what he's saying, he gets aggresive and makes out i do nothing for my son.

Recently i was at work and received a text asking me to call them when i've got some free time. My intentions was to phone on my lunch break. I sent a quick text back asking if my son was being naughty. I receive a reply saying "From now on things are going to change, you're having your son next week" bear in mind i had just booked a weeks holiday from work to have my son for a week, they even chose the week. That's the arrangement that's always been in place, in the summer holidays i book a week off work to have my son. In fact in 2016, all of my holiday days that i booked off were all with my son. Continuing on, i ask if i can speak to them later about it after work. The next thing i'm being asked to leave work to go and talk to them, i repeat and say i will speak to them after work as i can't just up and leave work. I recieve a reply saying that if i don't leave work then he'll come to me. At that point i ignored him because it's one of his bullying tactics he always uses. The next thing reception are phoning my collegue saying there's someone in the reception kicking off and asking for me. My collegeue ask them to send him away as he's in the building to cause trouble. I'm an IT Technician in a school and have access to the CCTV so i watched from my office. He was downstairs screaming in front of my son, his own kids and my ex "This isn't my effin son, i shouldn't have to pay for his son, he doesn't spend any time with his son". My ex just stood there and didn't say anything, my son looked so uncomfortable.
Eventually one of the guys who's in charge of the building goes down and approaches him and manages to get him to leave site. That guy, i don't really know him that well, came to my office afterwards and said how disgusted he was of my ex's boyfriend and how he spoke about my son in front of him. The next day he reported it to the police and social services as he was genuinly concerned that if my ex's boyfriend can come in to a school and speak like that, how is he treating my son at home.

I reported it to social services myself too in which they said contact the police. I gave a statement at the police station but they said not much can be done because i didn't physically go down and speak to the boyfriend but they have marked it down as a welfare issue. Child services have been notified, the policeman showed me on screen.

I'm genuinely concerned for my sons welfare at home. Quite recently my son came to me saying that my ex's boyfriend threw his toothbrush down the toilet and forced him to get it out of his own urine. I approached them and he admitted he did because he was angry and that it was my sons urine so he wasn't going to get it out himself. Another time my son came and told me he was locked in the shed because he wouldn't go to sleep, again i approached them and they said the shed hasn't got a door on so he wasn't locked in but we did make him sit on a chair in the shed because he wouldn't go to sleep.

To me it's mental abuse and i'm sick of it. My ex partner is allowing it to happen too.

I believe it's only going to get worse as my ex is also 5 months pregnant and if they can't cope now then what's it going to be like in a few months time.

Financially i'm just out of the bracket in which i could receive some legal aid help. There's no way i could afford a solicitor, we're just about scraping by as it is.

I've contacted mediation but i know my ex wont go, she didn't last time i went to court.

We have no contact order in place from the last time we went to court because the judge felt as if we were mature enough to sort this out ourselves, we are past that now.

I believe my son should be with me. When he's at mine his attitude and behaviour improves, he's got proper rules,security and structure at mine too which i believe he needs.

His previous 2 schools have offered their support if i ever i needed it. My ex owes the school so much money for un-needed breakfast clubs, lunches and afterschool clubs. My ex doesn't work and hasn't done for ages so there's actually no need for my son to go to these breakfast and afterschool clubs.

It looks like i have a lot of evidence in which to support me in court if the court chooses to acknowledge any of it, last time they wouldn't even look at my evidence.

Does it look like my only option is defending myself at court?

Appreciate all the advice i can get.

Regards

I know it's daunting, but yes, I think you should represent yourself.

I too thought it was too much to handle and wasted months applying for legal aid. Despite the fact that I had absolute proof that I'd been a victim of domestic abuse, I was still refused. The reasons were that although the legal aid agency ask for a letter from your doctors, the truth is that the doctors are private organisations and don't have to abide by any rules or laws. This was confirmed by my MP who basically said that they can't force the doctors to write a letter to the legal aid agency, even if I had absolute proof. It's all about money and there is simply no justice where legal aid is concerned.

So, let's make this easier. There is an organisation called the PSU (personal support unit) who will help you complete the forms needed to apply to the courts. This is a C100 for the application and a C1A if there are any safeguarding concerns. I would have thought, given that you have evidence of abuse towards your son from your ex partner that you would have a reasonable chance of proving your side of the story. Forcing your son to sit in a shed because he couldn't sleep, in my opinion, is abuse. Your ex's new partner turning up at the school, the texts, the toothbrush issue - everything you've mentioned, are all things that are on your side.

I'm concerned that any evidence you had before was refused. Please could you share more about this as I also have evidence I wish to present and I'm concerned it may also happen to other parents.

If you're representing yourself, the only fee you will have to pay is for the C100 which I believe is approximately £215. This is a small price to pay for your sons welfare, to have him removed from an abusive environment to one that is stable.

Until you get a court order, your ex can do anything she likes with respect to allowing access. You have to stand up for yourself and your son. Don't let it daunt you - if there is any justice in this system (I believe there is as many fathers report they have been successful in court cases), you could potentially change things that will improve your sons life. That's worth fighting for.

Good luck.

Thak you so much for your reply Paul.

In regards to evidence at the last court case, here's how i think i messed up.

On the day of court we were pulled in to a room before entering the court room. We were asked if we would like to go in together to discuss some things prior to seeing the judge. At the time i didn't mind going in with my ex, i just wanted it all over and done with and to see my son again. By doing that, the judge presumed we were mature enough to sort it out ourselves. We was told to write down our ideal contact times and the judge went with mine as it fit around my work schedule and a contact order was written for 6 weeks only!

After a short speech by the judge and my ex getting a telling off for stopping me from seeing my son, that was that.

See speaking in that room with my ex and with what the judge said to her, i thought it was the turning point and she had finally realised but not 2 hours after leaving the court room she started causing trouble again.

I think you did the right thing by going in that room and trying to sort things out. Had you refused, it would probably have been seen as uncooperative and probably counted against you.

I agree that a lot of what you describe sounds like child abuse, and you may have a strong case there.

Representing yourself won't be easy. You'll have to step out of your comfort zone and be ready to take some hits. It may well be the hardest thing you have ever done, and I wouldn't underestimate it.

On the other hand, if you don't do it, how will your son feel ?

UPDATE - I'll spare all the details but at the weekend my ex came to my front door and said my son is living with me, a lot of abuse and threats on the front doorstep aimed towards me and my son from my ex's partner. I contacted the police and gave a statement which they logged with child services themselves. I also conatcted social services and the school notifying them of what happened. The school said they can't stop ex from collecting my son from the school should they wish to show up but will notify me if that happens.I believe it's stunt from them and that they will show up next monday and collect him from school. By doing what they did at the weekend , i had to buy their half of the agreed uniform in a rush because they didn't buy anything for him and know i wouldn't see him without.
I'm speaking to a solicitor on friday for a 30 minute free session. I've told them that i have limited savings and hardly any disposable income and asked how far my savings would strecth. I believe with everything that has happened over the last 6 years, i have a strong case for full residency/custody .
My worry is that a solicitor will try and get me to pay them for doing some things i could do myself.
My mind is going crazy at the moment, not sure what the fastest way to get my son in to my full care is without the ex and her partner abusing me doing what's right for my son.

Perhaps you could arrange to pick your son up early, to prevent them from removing him? What you can do is to make an urgent ex parte application for a Prohibited Steps Order and a Child Arrangements Order for your son to live with you. You do this with form C100 and if you take it to the court in person and explain that you need to see a judge urgently, that Social Services and Police have been involved and your son is at risk from the abusive ex's partner, they may get you in front of a judge on the same day, but you must impress on them the seriousness of the matter.

I would also advise you fill out form C1a to tell the court about the risks to your child.

Asking for an ex parte application means that the court will hear your application without informing the mother first, they will do that after an interim order is made, when they will give her the opportunity to put her side of things to the court.

The judge will most likely make an interim order for him to stay with you and an order to prevent him from being removed from your care until the court have had a chance to look into everything.

From what you say, you have a fairly good chance of keeping him with you, you have plenty of evidence to show that he is at risk emotionally and psychologically if he stays with them.

Best of luck

If your ex dropped the kid at your house, said that he is now living with you, and you want to take responsibility for raising him, you need to do exactly what Mojo wrote without delay, get an ex parte order for your son to live with you.

This happened to a friend of mine, his ex wife one day dropped the kids and said "he could have them". He immediately applied for an ex parte order and it was granted.

Don't delay, this is the time to be bold.