Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Not sure how to start this so I will be brief and give key facts: HELP with advice or similar experiences please...
I am a British man (35) married to a Germany girl (34), with two young girls aged 3 and 4, married for 10 years. If i calculate the total years we have been happy they equate to less than 50% of this time.
Our main issue is we constantly argue about what I would describe trivial stuff. She is completely in the past throwing up stuff that happened over 10 years ago, such as when i bought a 3K boat or the car i bought or the time my friend blown out a candle on table and she got wax in her hair, or the time she came to pick me up from the train station at midnight and i wasn't there because i got a taxi.....all stuff she says I still owe her an apology for!
We haven't had [censored] for over 18 months and inside the last 4 years we have only had [censored] 8 times - we are both very fit and healthy.
We told each other that we don't have any love for one-another over 2 years ago.
I work in Germany but will soon be moving the family back to England as my employment changes - my wife has no issues about moving to England, she has lived their before and is happy to go back and settle.
If we divorce, she will remain in Germany, i will move to England (for work), the children will stay with her and I will not be able to see them frequently, which is unfair to us all - this is the main reason i haven't left her and she hasn't left me because she says she needs the financial security i give her.
I am in a marriage of convenience - she has the kids and I provide the family financial security, if we split she will live alone locally to her sisters family in rented accommodation (Germany) and I will have to move to England so I don't see the kids.
Constantly fantasying about my lifestyle without her but I want my kids under my roof and to see them daily.
I am a laid back individual and she is highly strung - a real worrier.
help.
Hi There,
You really are in a difficult situation, and I really feel for you as if I was where you are I really don't know what I would do, on the one hand I have experience of being in a loveless relationship and I wouldn't ever do it again, but you have the twist of being so far away from your children if your make the decision to leave.
What I would suggest is that maybe you make the move to the UK together, sit and talk and try and work out what is causing the issues you have, maybe try marriage guidance, you could use the move to the UK as a "fresh start" make some commitments to each other of things you will do (and make sure you both do them) that will start the spark again in the relationship, things like date nights without the children, family fun days all together, what ever it was that you did before the feelings slipped.
Unfortunately with the situation your in, you either have to make a go of things or make a break.
GTTS
Hi there
It's a tough situation...you are between a rock and a hard a place. Have you considered trying something like Relate, or the German equivalent?
Have you thought of the possibility of separating but remaining in Germany? It appears you are both able to talk about your situation and at least she is honest about her need for financial security...you want to remain near your girls. I think you have to continue with the honesty and try and work out a solution that will work for you both. I know that won't be easy.
It wouldn't be fair to ask her to move to England if you want to split. It's really as GTTS has said, that you only have two options, making a go of it or splitting up.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
We are in the process of trying Relate ( i have initiated this as she wont - she things I have the problem).
What do you think about the statistics I have supplied. No [censored] for over 18 months and the fact we have been happy for less than 50% of our marriage? How do i get her out of the past? She just isn't fun but i certainly think that she has great qualities that somebody will appreciate, I just don't think that person is me.
The first thing I think about in the shower before work is our relationship, the last thing I think about (and often keeps me awake) as my head hits the pillow is our relationship, this worry is not healthy and I hate it.
Hi again,
from what your saying I wonder what "you" will get from relate, as i'm not sure you want to keep the relaitionship together, it comes accross as though things have gont to far for you to be able to get back on track.
If this is the case then you are just prolonging the inevitable unfortunately.
If this is the case, then maybe relate isn't the best way forward but mediation would be better, to enable you to decide how to move forward from the situation you are in. I would think that from what you've said that you are trying relate to enable the relationship between yourself and your children rather than you and your wife.
GTTS
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.