[Solved] Stuck in a rut....

Hey

Personally it seems to me like there's quite a few different elements going on for you here.

In respect of your partner's behaviour, has this been going on for the last 2 years or is it a recent thing? It sounds extremely controlling and this can be a form of emotional abuse. You should be able to have some privacy. Totally understandable that she would want reassurance if your ex tried to meddle with things but sounds like things have gone too far. Added to the fact she's a new mother, her hormones are probably all over the place and if her behaviour has escalated since the birth, there's always a possibility she has Post Natal Depression.

With regard to your newborn son, bonding with him won't be easy if you're not given much opportunity to do this & her hovering behaviour may indicate PND.

Have you thought about trying Relate? Assuming you would be willing to raise this option with your partner? It might give you a safe place to raise these things? Your partner might not be aware of how you're feeling and if there are no boundaries, you're just going to give her free reign to continue or escalate her behaviour.

Nobody but you knows how bad it is, but it doesn't sound like a sustainable situation.

Keep posting and we will do what we can to support you.

It's been going on for approximately 2 years now. Was hoping it's something that would ease up over time. The arguing about the past has virtually ceased, it's just the controlling side of things that haven't stopped. My ex had PND, I know the signs and symptoms of it, it's very hard to deal with. My new partner doesn't have PND. She just think the world owes her a favour.

My newborn has colic & reflux, so he cries, a lot. And I get that. As she's with him all the time, she knows how to soothe him quick;y and stop his crying. When I have him and he doesn't stop crying after about 5 or 10 mins (not for want of me trying!), she will take him off me as she can't bear him crying.

We argue a lot and we argue because I stand up to her. It would be nice if sometimes, when she opened her mouth, it would be to have a normal adult conversation, talk about current affairs, anything like that, but no. Everytime she opens her mouth, each sentence begins with "Can you...". She's always asking me or telling me to do things. I feel like I have no mind of my own and i'm just sitting, waiting for my next command. If I want to clean the house, I can't clean what I want. I have to clean what she tells me and in what order. And then she'll check what i've cleaned and tell me it's not good enough. But if she cleans it, obviously it's perfect. I'll tell her to do it herself when she complains and she just says she's only telling me so I can be better at it...!!

It's my best mates daughters first birthday this week. I want to pop over to his after work to give her a present. But I can't just do that. I can't tell my partner i'm going, I have to ask her. She will then guilt trip me, and say that I won't be home until late, and i'll miss out on time with my newborn. Or she'll complain about dinner and how i'll have to go without. In fact, i'm 100% sure, when I mention I want to go to my mates tonight, she will NOT say "Yeah no problem, have a nice time and let me know when you're on your way home". Do I have unrealistic expectations?!

Just to top it off, this weekend, a couple that we are friends with were due to be coming over. My partner was going to go out with her friend to the cinema and lunch whilst I stayed in with my mate and the baby. She's now said that because she doesn't think I can cope well with the baby, she's cancelling our plans on the weekend, so that I can have him all day (and do the night feeds), whilst she stays in and watches over me, to make sure I can cope. This is what she's like. As aforementioned... i've had a child before, she hasn't. Ok I might not be the world's most amazing dad, but I know what to do...! And when I answer back, you guessed it... we argue....

Just to add, we did go to counselling 2 years ago, but she wasn't that interested. With regarding boundaries... if I say I don't want her to look at my phone or emails or anything, she automatically thinks i'm hiding something, so she'll be like a dog with a bone and won't give up until she's seen it..

You really sound like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. PND can take many forms and I wouldn't be surprised if not wanting to leave you with the baby has an element of that. As for everything else, if it's been going on that long, things are so bad and you have already tried everything, then only you can make the decisions to change things. You can't reason with an unreasonable person.......Other than suggesting Relate or trying to talk with her, I don't know what else to suggest. She's unlikely to change things so only you can do that.

Keep talking, we'll keep listening.

All the best

Yep. I told her this morning how I felt... she said to me to not come home as we are done. Then she was messaging me at work asking what's so bad, so i told her. Then she asked if I still want to be with her... I said I love her but she makes the relationship too difficult.

She's now asking if i'm finishing with her. I don't know what to do. If it was just me and her, it'd be an easy decision. But there's an 8 week old involved and I don't want to leave him.

Hi There,
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I think as yoda has siad you are in a tough position.
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I have been on both sides of this if I'm hosest, my ex was very controlling and I couldn't do right for doing wrong, she would question everything no matter what and like you, if I cleaned the house it would be wrong or not how she would do it, and I would get told well the way I do things is just common sense, even silly things like hanging washing out, it wouldn't be oh great it's done, it would be,,,,you've done that wrong ect.
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it's difficult as if you don't get something sorted then you are going to be in a situation like I was where you hate beng with her and end up storming out over a silly arguement and not ever going back.
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Maybe you need to have a small break away, so you can be away from the normal home life and maybe change of scenery could help so relax things and be able to talk openly about some isues.
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GTTS

Appreciate the response. So I ordered some school photos of my 6yr old last week, completely forgotten about them until they arrived today. She saw the letter, opened it and went ballistic, asking why i never told her that I'd ordered them. Then asked how much of "our" money I'd spent on them. Reasonable behaviour? She says that every couple in a relationship should tell each other everything.

Problem is, I generally don't have a great memory. So I'll either genuinely forget things, or stuff (unimportant) just doesn't cross my mind. So when I do eventually remember and tell her, or she finds out, she has a go at me for keeping things from her. I feel like everything I say or do during the day, I have to now make mental notes or actually write things down, just to tell her, as she needs to know everything. It's so hard to sustain. I have no issue with telling her things, it's just hard to remember every little thing....

Ok, quick (or not so quick!) update. Not much has changed. Last Sunday, we had another big argument, but this time I packed a bag and left. I stayed with my parents until Thursday just gone. I missed my son, and I did miss my partner a little bit, regardless of all that has happened. In that time, I wrote a letter. I wanted to pen all my thoughts and feelings down on paper, because that way, when we do talk, I'll have left nothing out. So last thursday, I went back to see her and read her the letter. She didn't really like anything of what I had to say and laughed at the suggestion that actually i'm being emotionally abused in the relationship (Which is exactly how I expected her to react). I was telling her that i'm pretty much done with it all, constantly telling me what to do, just me feeling like sh*t in general whilst around her.

She took a lot of what I said on board and said she's willing to change but it's going to take time. but that I also need to change. So much so that she's put a "[censored] ban" on me until I can prove I can change? [censored]? I was the one complaining about all the things I was unhappy with... now shes turned it round saying I need to change, then she won't be so angry and miserable all the time. Everything was ok for the next 3 days, but then yesterday, she went straight back to being the old person I didn't like. We argued, then it was awkward silences, attitude and snapping at my every word. Oddly, she was telling me, in a sharp, condescending and snappy tone, why do I never want to talk to her about I feel? We all know what it's like trying to have a normal, reasonable adult conversation with someone in a bad mood? It's nigh on impossible.

So here I am, 4 days after returning back to the house, and I feel sh*t again. I was fine when I was back at my parents. And I'm regretting my decision to try again. Ironically, this was the first weekend I've had my 6yr old boy for the whole weekend since December (because my ex wouldn't allow me to have him), but my partner only really spoke to him to either tell him off or to warn him not to be naughty before going out somewhere. Now i'm wondering is it me with the problem, as no man can be unlucky enough to find 2 psycho ex's?

How does shared care work with a 4 month old baby? She's already said there's no chance she's letting our son out of her sight, so if we aren't together, the only way I can see him is on her terms, when she's around. I assume unless I take her to court, there's nothing I can do, right? And if we split up (shes on maternity leave), she'll be screwed. Financially, emotionally and physically, as she's so reliant on me for everything. We are 6 months into a year long rental on the house, so not sure how that works. Not sure how we'd divvy up all the furniture either.

Just feeling really down with everything at the moment. Two children, with two different women. Two failed relationships. Absolutely everything in my life is a battle, nothing is easy. It's draining. Maybe it is me with the problem, as i'm only the only consistent factor in this whole equation. 🙁

Hey

Try not to beat yourself up, be kind to yourself right now.

Did you try to consider Relate or is it all definitely done and dusted?

If it is, in terms of seeing your son, if she prevents that, there isn't anything you can do without a court order. To get a court order, you would have to attempt mediation first as this is mandatory.

Regards your housing lease, if you are to separate permanently, the mother should be able to claim tax credits and housing benefit to help financially. You could speak to Shelter's helpline for legal advice regarding the terms of the lease.

Try to focus on the present and one thing at a time rather than the whole situation in general right now.

Keep posting and we will do what we can to support you.