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Hi everyone, I am a new member in need of advice... any replies gratefully received x
I have been with my partner for 6 years, he has a 10 year old son who lives with his mum. We have enjoyed regular contact every weekend and most of the school holidays until April this year. My partner and his ex have a fractious relationship, ranging from arguing to refusing to communicate. I have tried my best to stay out of any of these disagreements and to be positive for everyone especially my stepson who feels very torn and wants everyone to just get along. He feels very responsible for his mum as she has had numerous boyfriends during the 6 years I have been around which massively affects how she behaves with my partner (when she is in a relationship she is uninterested in her son and requests us to have more contact). She can become very defensive and aggressive if anything is mentioned about the child's education or welfare (he has been diagnosed with ADHD) to avoid arguments and to maintain contact, my partner of late, has not brought up school despite grave concerns that the child is not at the same educational level as his peers. In April the school SENCO telephoned out of the blue accusing my partner of pressuring his son to move here with us. This is not the case, my step son has mentioned his wish to begin secondary school here as he acknowledges he spent primary school with his mum and has expressed his fear that he is not getting a good education. We talked through the pros and cons of such a huge life changing move (his mum cannot drive so would be I able to visit the way my partner has so regularly). My partner was completely unaware of SENCO or the severity of my step sons issues at school, he immediately requested a meeting with the head and SENCO. Following this meeting we received full disclosure of my step sons file and were horrified to read of horrific allegations of domestic violence as reason for the child's issues at school. The ex also intimated that contact was irregular and that she was constantly anxious as she never knew when he would just turn up demanding access... Following further meetings with the school to address how best to move forward for the child to rejoin mainstream classes (he is unable to sit in class and wanders the corridors all day) and requesting counselling for him, we received a text from the mum stating she was stopping all contact due to adverse psychological effects. My partner was devastated and applied for a revision of the initial contact order obtained in 2011 that awarded shared residency and joint pr. As the order was so old we were advised to apply for a new contact order. Due to the allegations of dv a section 7 report was recommended and we are due a home visit from cafcass. The officer appointed has been in touch and seems to be quite in favour of the mum thus far, she admitted she had not even read the initial advice to court the interim officer wrote and said that she was aware of my partners prosecution for dv, he has never even been questioned, caution or spoken to by the police especially relating to dv! I was shocked that the police checks we were assured had taken place clearly has not been read by the cafcass and that she would simply take the word of a party without investigation.
Sorry for the rambling outburst, I have been so stressed and anxious, I am seriously concerned for my stepsons mental health both prior to this horror and following the stop of contact (even telephone contact with his elderly paternal great and grandparents has been refused by his mum) I know he feels torn and protective of both parents, I'm sure he is telling both what he feels they want to hear and that is so damaging for such a young boy 🙁
Can anyone offer any insight into what I can do to prepare for the cafcass visit? I have been told that I am no longer allow to accompany my partner on contact visits ( following a call from the mum to cafcass) and that I am not to be present for the visit despite it taking place at my home. I am so worried that my partner will be very upset as he is so concerned about his child, the portrayal of his character and the outcome of the report. He has already been berated for being overly emotional after the first contact after months.
What can I do to support them all, what are they looking for at our home?
Any advice would be amazing, thank you everyone for taking the time to read this x
The best advice for the meeting with cafcass is to remain child-focussed. Don't sling mud at his ex as that them gives the impression that it's a grudge match between him and his ex.
Hi there
You said...
... My partner was devastated and applied for a revision of the initial contact order obtained in 2011 that awarded shared residency and joint pr. As the order was so old we were advised to apply for a new contact order.
Where on earth did you get that "advice" from! The order that you had was a good one and would have lasted until the child reached 16, or older if they have special needs.
In any event, had the mother stopped contact, your partner would have been able to apply for an enforcement order, with shared care your partner would have been in a good position to argue for full residence of the child due to mothers inability to support the child educationally and emotionally.
As far as the CAFCASS officers remarks about previous convictions, just make sure your partner discusses this with her and gives her the corrrect information during their interview and request that she makes sure she has the correct information to hand before preparing the report. If the errors remain and are included in the S7 report, your partner can ask to have the factual errors amended.
The best advice I can give is to keep a hold of his emotions, they want to see a father that is child focussed, calm and reasonable. He should be open and honest and as has been said, avoid speaking about the mother in a derogatory mannner. However he shouldn't be afraid of expressing his concerns for his child's well being and expressing any concerns he has, such as the damage being done by the sucdden cessation of all contact with his wider paternal family too, who the child is very close to.
As long as your home is clean and welcoming, they may want to see shat sleeping arrangements there are for him etc, but the interview is more to evaluate your partners ability to offer his child a safe and loving environment and his ability to put the needs of the child first.
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