[Solved] Starting to loose my mind

Dear mgboy

- i kind of feel a bit of an intruder, cos i logged into this site before realising it's probably really only for Dads, African Carribean Dads who've started the group perhaps? So i hope you won't mind a white mum therapist response too, along with the guys' words of support.

Dads need emotional support, all dads need support at some time. I work in London, with many ethnic minority and white UK families.

Perhaps what needs saying is that as well as being great, family life can often really difficult for us all. It's a kind of roller coaster ride, don't you think?

When i read your question, "am i loosing my mind?" i wanted to respond. Cos your courage is cool, marvellous.

You aren't loosing your mind - you're going through a very difficult time. Congratulations on having a son, and being there for your lady and your little boy.

You are being strong, even though you're feeling under pressure. One thing that's helped me over the years is to kind of remember we humans sometimes need just to be with difficult things, while time goes by for a while, and be there with our own difficulties and others' difficulties, as gently as possible.

Your courage writing this is strong, and helpful for lots of other dads no doubt. I hope you'll find comfort in this site, talking to other dads about this. It's a great idea.

So often we can kind of 'opt out' of difficult things. It doesn't help - they don't go away. We get uptight too, trying to ignore them. You haven't - if your lady feels depressed maybe it's time for some time together with a professional counsellor/therapist who can help you both together and maybe separately too, to be there fore each other and your baby.

I really wish you well, and that you can keep strong. And hope your little baby starts sleeping at night which'll help you all sleep cosy.
Lauraine Leigh

- i kind of feel a bit of an intruder, cos i logged into this site before realising it's probably really only for Dads, African Carribean Dads who've started the group perhaps? So i hope you won't mind a white mum therapist response too, along with the guys' words of support.

Hi lauraineleigh,

Just thought I would respond to this - you are more than welcome on the site, though we focus on issues for Dad's we are more than happy for anyone to comment or help support our community (in fact one of our moderation team is a mum).Dadtalk was set up to support all fathers no matter what race or situation.

Goonerplum

Hi mgboy,

Congratulations on becoming a Dad.

What a great but stressful 8 months, you must feel like you life has been a bit of a runaway train - no wonder you feel like your losing your mind. The answer of course is that your not losing your mind. To be honest I would doubt that anyone would have gone through your last eight months and not thought that their life was simpler before becoming a dad. So stop beating yourself up for having those thoughts.

I personally think one of the worst things for a new dad is coming to terms with the loss of control over their life, before the birth you were in control of all aspects of your life now it must feel as if you have lost the ability to control your own destiny.

You need to take some steps to get some support for yourself. At the moment you are wanting to (and are expected to)support your wife through her PND but you also need help and support. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

It maybe worth.

At work speak to your boss, explain what is going on. If they are able to take some pressure off you at work then this may relieve a little of the pressure at home. You may be able to arrange flexible working (places of work have to consider all requests for this) if need be.

Talk to family members - are your extended family close by and able to support you and your wife.

Discuss your problems and seek advice and support ( Dadtalk is obviously the place to come to do this - or parentline plus have a helpline number where you can talk to a volunteer parent support worker 24 hours a day, seven days a week. call 0808 800 2222)

Doctor- If you feelings seem to get worse then go to see your doctor. It is not just women who can suffer from depression after the birth of a child, it is estimated that up 10% of dads can suffer from a form of postnatal depression as well.

I'm sure the rest of the Dadtalk community will have their own feelings on this. Don't go through this on your own though mate.

Gooner

Living with a depressed mother is incredibly hard for all parties. My partner was suffering from grief when she conceived, then events during her pregnancy and ultimately labour, plus the young age we both were at the time and the attitudes shown towards us made everything worse.

It's very hard, and all I can say is knuckle down, give your lady every single bit of support she needs, your feelings towards your child are understandable, its easy to blame them and I deny anyone to state that in a similar situation they wouldn't have at least a single moment where they hadn't of thought to themself "if only we didnt have the kid". However, I will say you have to bury that kind of feeling, for the good of your kid, yourself and to help your partner recover from her depression.

She needs to see that you want her as much as you want your child and vice versa, its alot of work but thats the only way that she'll ever come to terms with being depressed. You'll also need something to focus any extra energies you may have into, something that wouldn't be detrimental to the health of your family. Joining a five a side football team or something like that, just to remove yourself from the stresses of family life for an hour or two every week, just so long as theres someone else, like your partners Mother for example, who can step in and cover for you whilst you're not around.

Mgboy ,

I read your post and wanted to let you know that your not alone , anyone who has had to cope with collic and the sleep deprivation that comes from that will relate easily to you thinking your losing your mind. Stress comes when we feel we have no control over our lives and dealing with depression will have only added to your stress levels as not even all doctors have a deep understanding of treating depression so how on earth are you expected to know what to do !

My fiancee and I went for over 2 years without a decent nights sleep and this ultimately led to strains on our mental health , our relationship and for me ultimately a resentment towards why things where so difficult , I thought like many other fathers having a child would be an enormously rewarding experience with pride and joy being the mainstay of my life ..well thats the Hollywood version of being a dad and I now know that the reality for me is that being a dad is the single most challenging and exhausting thing Ive ever dealt with in my life.

There is no easy answer all I would advise is get to the docs if you haven't done so and get yourself checked out , you need to protect your own physical and mental health first so that you can deal with the demands placed on you .

Don't be racked with guilt that you have thoughts about how good life was before you became a dad , that's only natural , as they grow children turn into little people and the results are hilarious and slowly you feel more in control of your life again.

After almost 4 years I still find being a father challenging and get anxious but all that is because I'm out my comfort zone , I accept that and don't see that as a failure on my part it's just because I lived the bachelor life before settling down and only had myself to care for , football with the boys , pub afterward ...then one day you wake up and your not the centre of your own life anymore , it takes some adjusting and turns your world upside down.

It's good to know your not on your own , when it starts to get too much try talking to someone , talking is the best way to head off stress levels , gain perspective and establish control again and on a forum like this its free !

Hi Mgboy

Some really good advice posted here today for you. I hope things are starting to feel a little better for you now. If you feel you need support please post again on the forum. You may also like to know about an organisation called Parentline who you can call confidentially and for free any time day or night for understanding and help. Call them on 0808 800 2222 or log on to their website http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk They will understand the issues here.

I hope this helps.