[Solved] Splitting childcare

Good morn Ab98765,

It appears to me that you are doing nothing more than the right thing, and that every dad should do the same. My son (now 14) has had a Shared Residence Order for the past 6 years and has spent roughly half the time with me and with his mother. I retired from my career (fortunately my immediate pension was pretty good and I had sufficient property to afford to do so) in order to make it work. Getting the SRO took me to the very limits of my emotional reserves and cost a small fortune, this may also be true for you if your ex-partner does not readily agree to shared residence.

So, whilst I agree what you are doing is not just fair and reasonable, it should be both a right and a moral obligation, it will not be easy for you to achieve it if it is against the mother of your child's wishes. There is huge bias against fathers when it comes to children (and particularly younger ones). The state is very happy for (and indeed insists on) fathers to pay the bills (it even has a debt collection agency set up primarily to do so), but is loathe to grant any rights if they be against the mother's wishes.

I'm not sure whether family courts are in themselves biased (they may be but I have no experience; our own case was settled at the eleventh hour, literally in the corridor outside the court when my son's mother blinked first and agreed to the SRO - so there was no need for a judgement), but the supporting agencies all have an intrinsic bias against fathers. This includes CAFCASS (particularly so), DWP, CSA, schools (particularly primary) and county councils.

So, you have two choices: you can either persuade your child's mother that shared parenting is the best thing and then draw up some sort of covenant between you (it would probably have to be rubber stamped by a family court for the sake of the agencies) or you can try to enforce a SRO via a legal process. The former is by far the best solution, only you know how likely it is to succeed. If you decide to take the second option prepare for a bumpy ride, make sure you have plenty of money and get ready to cope with institutional bias all the way.

I hope you succeed in shared parenting for your child. It is a good thing and it can work pretty well (my son is a really good example, he is a fine young man and will be a much better person than if I'd left him to his mother's devices).

Good fortune Ab98765.

Hi there

Sadly, not everyone is as fortunate as Othen and work has to be factored into the arrangements. Court should always be the last resort, if you can achieve an arrangement that suits, I would advise that you direct your energy in that direction.

I think if your work allows you to be flexible and hers does not, the solution is a no brainier... bottom line, if working around her means you’ll get the 50/50 care in place, then that’s how it should work.

Surely your priority, your goal is to be equally involved and if you can achieve that by being flexible, then why not do it? The child would be the winner here, so let go of your sense of unfairness, as long as the means achieves the end result that is best for your child.

All the best

Mojo makes some excellent points and has a far less black and white view of the world than do I. It would be a good idea to follow Mojo's advice.

Good fortune,

O

Thanks Othen, everyone’s point of view is welcome here, and yours, as a parent that been through it, is valued.

As a Moderator, it’s my job to see the bigger picture and as you know, I believe that working within the system, as flawed as that may be sometimes, is alway the better option. They do get it right most of the time, but it is a work in progress.

I agree with Mojo. If working around the mother's work patterns means you get 50/50 residency, for now, I would agree.

If you dig your heels in and she refuses 50/50, you could end up in court and not get what you wanted in the first place.

If you go along with the pattern to achieve 50/50 for now, you can always try to re negotiate with the mother at a later date if her way doesn't work.

Try to avoid court if you can. As Othen said, it's not an easy route to go down.

I agree with Mojo as well.

Don't take any notice of what I wrote above, it was far too black and white. Work hard on an arrangement for shared care with your ex-partner, sell the benefits of your flexibility and be prepared to give a bit to make it work. The rewards for you and your child will be well worth it in years to come.

Good fortune,

O