[Solved] Spending time with ex partner

I'm sorry but he is treating you like a mug!

He has no thought for your feelings at all

If a woman did that to me I'd walk away

I don't know the full background story but what you've stated he is out of order

saturated by the misery this causes...labelled...holiday to include the ex...as much as you can handle...

Sorry to hear you are unhappy but its not surprising reading what you are up against! I think you are coping very well.

You are not alone.

It sounds like your partner is 'being played' by his ex with regards to the contact and he in turn is using you as an emotional punch bag as he knows you will take it. He has come to rely on you to help him and is probably taking you for granted.

This is unreasonable behaviour and can only continue if you let it.

It is extreemly difficult to know how to play this out but if it were me I would need help. I have joined many help groups over the years and realised I have issues with resentment cause by my own expectations. I lost who I was and would bottle things up and then explode!

Your reaction to his demands is the only thing in your control. Keep your head clear and focus on yourself and your needs to have fun occasionally.

I dont have any advice on what to so 'when in doubt I do nowt.' For now I would play it slow and not put down any ultimatums.

Relationships are seldom easy.

Thankyou for that DaveKurwa. I find myself back in the situation I was in a year ago, so I feel I have bided my time for signs of a change for the better, both in the behaviour of my partner and, as you say, the way the ex plays my partner. The mantra I hear continuously from my partner is " this is what's best for the child". Is it? Does anyone have similar experiences with a happy outcome for all?"

Hi there

I don't think you are being at all unfair! I don't know how you have put up with this for so long, it's one thing supporting someone, but quite another when that is being taken utter advantage of!

What are you expecting to happen here, do you think the situation will change and he will suddenly begin to behave honourably? He is now planning a second, longer holiday with the ex which you are excluded from....so he hasn't taken your feelings on board at all and has complete disregard for distress it caused you last time.

The fact that he lied should have rang loud alarm bells, the fact that he tells you what his plans are without discussing them with you is another cause for alarm....I think you are being played and you will always play second fiddle...no actually fourth fiddle. He comes first, then his ex and child, with you expected to shut up and put up!

You ask is this what separated fathers do....I would say only those that still have feelings for the mother of the child. Most dads that struggle to see their children and have fought through the courts want as little as possible to do with the unreasonable ex, but remain civil for the children's sake. It should be you and him taking the child on holiday, that's what usually happens!

You have been excluded up until now and that appears to be continuing, I think you need to take a reality check here and seriously review your options and what's best for you, because nobody else is doing that. I think you know what he's doing is wrong and trying to establish if other dads behave this way, as if that will somehow excuse him, wont help your situation.

My opinion is to cut your losses and move on, I can't see a happy ending for you if you stay, just more of the same.

I have to agree - he's lied to you already so how can you possibly trust his motives, or anything else he says. I can understand that his child is important, but if he's excluding you (and worse still, including his ex), then you really have no future of a trusting, stable relationship with him.

How do you think he would react if you got in touch with, and went away with an ex of yours? Bet he wouldn't be at all happy. I'm not suggesting you do that for one moment - I'd just get out of the relationship.

Thankyou so much for your constructive replies .Another question, please.Should the parent/child love and the opportunity to see the child (with the ex) outside of Ordered time outshine all else?
Should there not be balance or should what the parent thinks best for the child (and himself) win hands down every time?

...the child/parent love is unconditional and all loving parents, whether separated or not, will take every opportunity to spend quality time with their child, but not to the detriment of other important people in their life. When parents separate and the non resident parent moves on with a new partner, care should be taken to include the new partner whenever possible. Of course the new partner should recognise that their partner will want to spend some time just with their child too... But going on extended holidays with the mother and child, with total disregard for anyone else, is a few thousand miles too far!

You have invested 4 years into this relationship and supported him through difficult times, I would hope that entitles you to respect and consideration from him.

In essence you should be making decisions together, you should feel valued and your opinions respected....if that was happening you wouldn't be feeling the way you do.

If he was putting his child before you, I could understand that - but he should not be spending any time with his ex, that is too far - a few thousand miles, as NJ says, and I agree. It must also send some very confusing messages to his child and everyone else.

I've known parents who get on very well after their divorce, and that helps the children immensely, but what your partner is doing is well beyond what is reasonable, and I suspect you already know this yourself.

Has his ex got a partner? I'm willing to bet she hasn't, or that she's lying to him if she has.

Peacock, I'm so sorry to read your post. The advice from the other members is spot on! I truly feel for you as your partner is putting you in an impossible situation.

I've been with my partner for 3 and a half years, his child is 4, he split with the mother when the child was a couple of months old (due to her unreasonable behaviour and some whopping lies) and is currently seeking a contact order through the courts.

When I first met him, the child was 6 months and they had a very sporadic arrangement in place. Due to the child's young age, a good portion of this contact took place at the mother's home & they would frequently have days out together which was sort of understandable at the time.

As the child got older and unsupervised access became appropriate, the mother insisted contact continue in the same manner and put a load of emotional pressure on my partner to get her own way. For a short period of time he tried to meet all of his ex's demands as he didn't want to hurt her feelings (he felt guilty that he had moved on & was happy), even going so far as hiding the contact and demands from me.

I knew this wasn't acceptable as I have a good relationship with my ex and we had solid co-parenting agreement in place that we had arranged ourselves, we are very respectful of each other's relationships and the need for boundaries.

It came to a head as I was feeling so upset & confused by the situation, for my own sanity, I gave an ultimatum to either be honest and discuss how to move forward together or say goodbye.

It took us a good year or so to work through this issues and his ex was a nightmare when he set some new boundaries, sadly she has continued to be, hence the court application.

Nobody can tell you what to do, but if you want to continue with your relationship then he has to be prepared to set some boundaries, be totally transparent with you so that you can repair the trust he has broken.

I hope things work out one way or another for you and that you find peace of mind. You should not have to endure this lack of respect from your partner or his ex. You deserve better.