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Hi,
Background – my ex and I split up over 3 years ago, it wasn’t working and at the end of the relationship it was not pleasant. It is still very acrimonious and we communicate via email or text only. However at that time the contact that was afforded to me was every weekend as I worked during the week and she wanted to be child free on the weekends. This went well until I started taking my son to soft play and Legoland etc. and then was accused of only being interested in doing all the ‘cool’ stuff with my boy and none of the weekday ‘hard’ parenting.
I then became involved with my now wife and my situation changed whereby we moved in together close to my son’s school so we could look after him during the week. Request for weekday stays was refused, so we go to mediation, which did not go to her plan, which was one overnight stay every 14 days and finally she agreed to and I was afforded 6 out of 14 days contact with 5 being consecutive and one day every alternate week. This included extended stays for holidays etc..
Move on a year and I get married and we have a little family holiday after the wedding (no honeymoon) and after asking if we could have the same time next year to go on holiday to Spain my contact was cut. Her reason is I did not contact her to say she could call and this was unacceptable. Though when she did finally text and ask to speak to him, 5 minutes later they were talking! Requested to go to mediation to have the contact returned to normal, ex refused mediation, as she says she cannot afford it, so I have now had to apply to court, which the first hearing is this month.
The problem with my son.
He is asking more and more why he is no longer allowed to stay on the alternate week. I have avoided telling him the ins and outs of what is going on as he is only 6, but he is no fool and is putting two and two together and asking why mum is no longer letting him see dad. He also talks about asking him mum to see me because ‘he misses his dad too much’ and his mum ignores him sometimes sending him to his room for being annoying which leaves him in tears. On the changeover day which happens at school is a nightmare, as I have a very upset child wanting to stay with me and pleading for me not to go to work and let him stay at home with me and consequently he is tired at the start of the school day and generally those days don’t go well. Thankfully I have a really good lines of communication with the school and his teacher and they are very understanding and accommodating.
So here is the issue I face:
I have not yet said anything negative about his mom, but how do I stop him from him coming to his own conclusions, which his mom will blow a fuse at and accuse me of parental alienation. How do I make her see that the more she tries to monopolise him, the more he sees her as the issue, which has boiled over with him having major tantrums and even throwing things at her and lashing out at her. My worry is that she is alienating herself but will not accept this, I know you can’t lead a horse to water etc. but I am trying to stop their relationship form being damaged and at the same time trying to maintain the fantastic open relationship I have with my son. My son is asking more and more probing questions and while I am amazed at how clever he is, I am starting to run out of distraction/reasons that are neutral. The last time I tried to discuss this with his mom after she called me to calm him down when he has having an outburst at her, her response was ‘**** off’ and to hang up on me.
Anyone faced anything similar? What did you do? Do I wait until court is over and hope contact is re-instated? What happens if it isn’t do I explain what has happened to him? At a loss…
Hi There,
This is a really difficult one as there is no real answer, what you want/need to do is change an attidude, this is hard enough to do with a child but with an adult is near on impossible, unless they make a realisation and want to change.
Your right in what you say and it's nice that even though she is your ex, you are thinking of her relationship with your son, but I fear there is very little you will be able to do and she may have to feel the pain to enable her to change for herself, I would say the more you try and tell her what she is doing is damaging the worse she will be as she will see you as the party at fault.
With regards to your son, your doing right to not say too much, the only thing you can do is re assure him that you will always be there and that you love him and that even if you aren't seeing him as much it doesn't change anything, I'm sure from what you have said he will challenge this and all you can say is "mummy and daddy have a few things to sort out" and that they are adult things and not for him to worry about but maybe tell him that whilst you are sorting them out that being good both with you and his mum will help.
GTTS
I agree with GTTS....lots of reassurance.
Think about writing her a letter, explain what is happening with your son and reassure her that you have avoided talking to him about it but his questioning is becoming more persistent and ask her for her opinion on how to tackle this. Keep it friendly ...you are trying to involve her in the solution. Perhaps you can again ask that the overnights be reinstated in his best interests and mention how the family court will encourage you both to start working together to resolve the issues. Perhaps talk a little about the CAFCASS Parenting Plan and attach a copy for her to read through. You will find the template for it in the stickys at the top of the Legal Eagle section.
Even if she doesn't respond, this is also an exercise in showing how willing you are to find a solution and if she ignores it it will make her look unreasonable. You can send a copy of the letter to the court to file and then the judge will read it before the hearing. Using the CAFCASS. Parenting Plan will also help your relatioship with them too, as they should be doing an interview with you before the first hearing, but if not they are likely to be there in court at the hearing and will attempt to get you both to agree.
Hi Lofty,
Not a great situation to be in...
You have some great advice from GTTS and Mojo, go with it.
You said yourself "you can lead a horse to water..." and this is exactly the case.
Your ex sounds as though she needs a degree of control. The changes to the situation, mediation and now court, all take away from that control.
Your ex may respond positively to a letter outlining the concerns and issues you feel are apparent at the moment, she may take this as a "red flag'...
In any case, either she will see the light, and attempt to help reconcile the problem for the benefits of your child, or she will be unreasonable and selfish.
In either eventuality, it will help the long term solution. Either she helps you fix the issue, or she starts to highlight to the court what kind of personality you have to contend with, and how that could be/is affecting your child.
Chin up, it does get better.
All the best, BD.
Hi,
I think Mojo's advice of sending a letter is a great idear, if you do, don't use phrases like......
you are
you have
you need too
but replace them we a mutual
we are
we have
and we need too
it won't come as much of an attack on her and will hopefully be read as concern for your son and the relationship between the 3 of you.
If you do decide to send her a letter, I will happily read through it for you before you send it with some pointers if you would like.
GTTS
Hi All,
Thank you for the responses, all very good insight. GTTS thank you and I may take you up on that. I do think a letter may be the way forward and if anything will at least be one final attempt, as my court date has now been set 21st Jan. CAFCASS have sent me their letter after the phone interview and as far as they are concerned we need to attent a parenting course, but they are of the opinion they have no further role to play.
Hi
I will send you a private message with my email address
GTTS