[Solved] Sometimes you have to just walk away

I went along to the al-anon meeting and listen to some of the stories of how alcohol effects families. It really does have an effect and shape families.

I think I have now got most of the way to deciding and making that difficult choice of putting the baby future first changing the cause of history. From.my experience and the mother's having mental health difficulty makes life very difficult to deal with. I have to make sure any predisposition to alcohol are negated.

Hi - Like some of the guys on here, my wife is an alcoholic and has been for years. Ive put up with it because every time she swears she will stop and in truth I don't want to lose my kids and only see them on weekends. I too asked her family for help but they are terrified of the truth about their daughter and basically hid from the problem.

Things came to head recently and I got in touch wife social services for some help for the children, however they made things a million times worse as they got in contact with the school where my wife works to see if she was fit to be a teacher - Game over and still no help for my children tho!

My wife and 2 children are now living with her parents while she starts divorce proceedings and reluctantly allows me to see them when she wants so long as I don't cry, ask her to come back or "pretend" to be the victim or sorry for letting out her secret and possibly jeopardizing her job.

Its all a bit recent for me and I'm sorry I don't have any positive advice for you. Ive been going to Alanon for a while, and I must admit its a bit happy clappy for me but it does help talking to other people who get it.

What happened when social services got involved ?

What did they do how did they get involved ins and outs of how they go about getting involved?

Why do you say it's a million times worse ?

I have actual evidence of child neglect and risk

But at the end of the day listening to a daughter of an alcoholic and what happens to children when adults become addicts them self what ever the addiction is reason to be concerned. I'm still putting together some sort of report illustrating what has been going on along with evidence. At the end of it all like the mother had said the child must come first in that case I agree and I must make my decision which will ensure the baby is safe and not forgetting her other children.

Hi - No idea what social services actually did because my wife refuses to tell me, and simply states its over. She claims Ive jeopardized her career but is not suspended and still working as the head teacher believed her. My intention was never to do that and only get my children some support - I know that sound naive but when everyone is so upset and mummys in bed unconscious, you aren't really thinking of the implications of reaching out. Its worse simply because my children aren't with me and Ive lost my sick wife forever and should have been more of a man and tried to help my whole family in some other way.

I had evidence too - Videos of her so drunk she didn't know the childrens birthdays with them crying and screaming at her to leave.If someone else told me that, I would have the "videoing" weird too, but you try living it with no one believing you, and the person denying it even happened the next day. Then we have receipts with masses of cocodomol being bought from different shops on the same day, red wine which only she drinks that never reached the house and pictures of the kids plastic bottles which had had wine or vodka in.

But like all addicts, she has an answer for all of this and says if I escalate it to this, she will make up stuff about me to stop me seeing the children. How does it go, love, honour and cherish?

Your situation sounds very similar to mine I have evidence like your self.
The mother of my baby is also in a position of authority work wise like your wife's. She is an alcoholic in denial. The family are all professionals and they want that unity and to keep their jobs and pride and so continue to enable the alcoholic. I don't think you did anything wrong at all social services know about the functioning alcoholic and like most things including politics something has to happen before a realisation sets in and something is done about it. The mother of my baby has done it all even put her children in great danger but yet again her mother had come running to her aid to stop any authority to get involved. Yes can we not do so much to help the advice I was given the ...they have to hit rock bottom or they can help other alcoholics, have a sense of purpose or sense of responsibility helps alcoholics, so I was told at the meeting at Al anon. By the way you can be anonymous when reporting to social services it's their duty of care to do that I was told this by a social worker .

Hi,

Did try the anonymous route the first time when I rang inquiring about what was available for the children in terms of counseling and such. However, when mummy went out for rice and came back drunk about 3 weeks ago, we had a huge row in front of the children and mummy was sent off to bed as usual leaving me and the children sat in the hall crying uncontrollably.

With no family support network, I asked the children would they like or want to talk to someone detached from all this, which they agreed to on condition it wasn't through school as "mummy said she would lose her job" so I rang social services again. They said again go down the pastoral route but I explained again my children did not want this so they took the childrens names, dates of birth and told me to contact my GP to start the process to receive some form of counseling for the children.

I contact my GP who says I need pastoral service but I explain the children do not want this because my wife ( Who has the same GP ) is a teacher at the school the children attend and then agrees to look into it and get some form of help for them from social services. The GP calls me later in the day and gives me a contact number at social services, which I call only to be told I need I need to contact the school and request the children receive "school based counseling service" which I decline.

My wife refuses to tell me whats actually happened, but it seems she has been spoken to after social services contacted the school. Someone has joined the dots between them and the GP and been more interested in going on a crusade than getting my children some much needed support. I know "technically" it was the correct thing for them to do as none of us wants our children being taught by a teacher with a problem but she is Jekyll & Hyde, high functioning, post 6pm addict in denial who does her job extremely well unfortunately or someone may have noticed the problem before now.

Ive been going to Alanon too for a number of months, and wish I had taken the advice of a lady there who said "if you don't know what to do, do nothing" because social services have now completely destroyed any chance of saving my marriage, and I feel incredibly guilty for betraying my wife as that was never my intention.

In my case I don't think there is s solution than to just hold up my hand and give up. I spoken to someone else at the Samaritans. It seemed like she knew a thing or two about these situations. She explained alcoholics are selfish manipulative. And basically you can not reason with them as they don't see them self as having a problem as if it's a personality disorder e.g no self awareness. I was just told the social workers would not be able to do much but phoning the midwife would do. If I contact her midwife then it to would cause a massive storm. I understand it's a woman's choice when it comes to conception and pregnancy. But having your cake and eat it bringing a child into the world when you know your not going to be able to cope and at the same time continue to drink. Also carry on the way your are after which is what she did before she knew she was pregnant. As soon as she found out she was pregnant suddenly she had the courage to stop if that's not selfish then I don't know what selfish is. She has tried to stop in the past through various means ......the problem is though she tells me I can always have access to the child but that's as far as it goes it's the fact that I seen her habits and behaviour so it's what's going on out of sight is a real concern knowing your child is going to be caught up in all the reckless behaviour. She goes back to the drink on a massive rebound once the child born out the way. Seems she has children because unlike a relationship where everything is not on her terms. In other words you can walk away from a bad relationship the children can not and she knows this and admitted that she don't want to change but her children are always having to put up with it. what choice do they have on these matters absolutely none they have live with it and the consequence of having a selfish alcoholic parent.