[Solved] Sometimes you have to just walk away

Thats a difficult one, she's clearly drinking to avoid reality, perhaps the child will mellow her out but are you right to hang around? as men we are supposed to be there, be strong, be copers amidst just trying to succeed at work and be a good person. i guess if i were in your shoes, it would be hard but i would have to keep my own counsel, find a confidant or two who you can be open with, one of my ex's was drink and drug reliant. mood swings and irrational behaviour weekly, i tried to help, paying off debts and paying for help. waste of time, left with her debt and she carried on, lesson learned that people need to choose to change themselves, perhaps they get a catalyst in terms of a life event.
if you can then try to work a balance on the care so the child gets the best of you. difficult one if she has other kids, but the other kids may help out (not knowing the ages) but kids do look out for one another in difficult circumstances,

little comfort, and i'm sorry i don't have answers, its either bite the tongue and make the best of it or report and deal with the outcome of social services being involved.... friends family may help ?

It's been going on for decades since she was in Her teens family are too proud especially her mother who has tried to maintain unity with in the family. all her mothers children have done very well in terms of careers and her mother seems to want to keep it an internal problem . But surely this can not continue.

She has got away with so many incidents
She has put her children at risk on several occasions and
For one I don't want that to happen to our baby. Also I have tried to help her but she was abusive and would have a sudden personality change. And her moods were up and down I could not cope I had to step back out of it for the sake of my mental health. Sometimes you have to know when enough is enough and do the right thing for the sake of the children and there well being. Surly they will be a psychological effect on them in the long term.

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do by staying, but can provide an element of stability from a distance.

Been there mate the mother of my child was an alcohlic we were friends before she fell pregnant with our daughter and I witnessed her do alsorts whist drunk to her first daughter, there was literrally nothing I could do she was a lost cause then hey ho I got her pregnant and from the second she told me she was carrying my baby that was it she wanted to destroy my life which she did.

I just bit the bullet and took her to court to see my daughter and I never seen my baby for 10 long months but I got to be a part of my childs life and I have the best relationship with my girl and have had her every weekend for nearly 3 years.

as it happens me and my daughters mum are friends again which was very hard work to achieve all I can say is to folllow your gut.

all the best

slim 🙂

I see a lot of similarity with what you people have experienced but what about actual evidence social services child protection. What actually happens when a complaint is made or a concern is bought to there attention and there's is actual evidence showing the concerns are founded and absolute facts . Surly you would think action would be taken
What about materialistically things appear good all the practicalities home ownership good financial security good job career etc. The thing with alcohol just like mortality it takes no prisoners so to speak I have to say the mother of my baby is hooked and has it all good career own house good financial security. I don't want her to lose that and at the same time I want my baby to have the best start in life ....and to have the best quality of life. I just hope f I do raise my concerns they are not blinded by the fact she had all the practicalities in place home good job good income etc....but look below radar and actually see there is a serious internal problem being hidden ....I'm not sure if they will monitor her over time to see it unfold or act now.

If she is managing her life, i.e. a functioning alcoholic, I doubt if anything will be done, other than offering her support. If she was at rock bottom, she would have lost her job, probably her home and the problem would be stark, but as she is "managing" to function I'm not sure if they would look deeper.

Local authorities are working under harsh budgetary restraints, most will only act decisively when their is serious risk of harm to the children, generally they only deal with real crisis situations.

If they do have concerns, it's likely they will work with the whole family and offer support to the mother. This is just my opinion, but outward appearances may be used as an indicator of the overall situation and if as you say, she presents a good image, this may sway them.

Yes functioning alcoholic like mental health issues someone could be appearing to function on the surface but paddling like mad to stay afloat
Shame that we seem to have this stoic attitude to life ....all I want to to do is help but I think there's no way around it like people I have spoken to suggest I will get burnt if I dare to tread on this fire I had so many comments stay away or get burnt ! I guess it's time to take that advice as there does not seem an option that's going to work for the interest of all involved in this situation with out causing a massive fire.

Even if I did try to get involved and as with previous attempts once her feet go under the table and she's worked out how to get around people and manipulate as well as find ways to go back to drinking the old habits will come back on a bigger scale it's like pushing a giant snow ball to the top of a hill your just overcoming that final gradient and then inertia gets the better of you and it all comes tumbling down on you. And your back to square one with a massive depression. With addiction I guess you have to leave them to it the difficulty here is children are involved .

My own experience of a functioning alcoholic is that she was functioning while we were married, but once she had no support, she went downhill (no one to keep a check on her alcoholic intake, and no one else to blame for it) and then hit rock bottom, so watch out for signs of this and look to get the authorities in if it does look like that is happening.

ACDT

Thanks yes it's been an ongoing problem. And indeed I have taken your advice and called all the different agencies and they said it's urgent case due to the nature of putting her children at risk but also children at risk else where due to her profession . It's been an ongoing problem which has been hidden among the family for years. I was told that due to the severity of the situation action needs to be taken.

Interesting how the person at alanol said codependence of alcoholics are people pleasers ...this is not true in my situation I happened to have stumbled across this very deperate situation and tried to help now I'm involved in this conundrum. My baby going to be born into a life of [censored]. I sufferd at the hands of an alcoholic step father and sufferd child abuse. The same could happen to my child state of well being ...having an alcoholic parent can cause Psychological problems later on interpersonal difficulty caused by the mother's unresponsiveness due to being out cold intoxicated ...there's no feed back from the care giver to the child...it becomes with drawn may end up with maladaptive coping mechanisms.

If you can get your child away at any point, then there is a good chance. Yes, my children have been shaped to some extent by an alcoholic mother, but they have also been shaped by me since then. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I'm proud of the way all of mine have turned out, some of it in spite of their experiences.

Interesting how she is able to hold of the drink for 9 months and or so then as soon as she touches the stuff a gain just a little drink she's is hooked and everything rational turns to chaos .....and she will do anything to get that buzz feeling . On the BBC radio was a program about addiction is basically about pleasure dopamine regulation feeling good masking the fear shame horribleness you feel inside or the as she put it makes everything good again. Like a plaster but one that does not stay on the wound for very long. This is why doctors don't give anti depressants that give people pleasure. Instead they give SSRI to numb the pain all round which stops you getting enjoyment out of life. I tried to help her destract herself through other activities but the buzz feeling alcohol gave her far exceeded anything destraction could give.