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Last August I found out my wife was having affair with a man and had been since the beginning of the year. He is married and has left his wife and family to be with her. I have moved into a flat and they are together in the marital home. The families are devastated and broken and to a large degree, they are alienated. Not only are we parents but grandparents and between us, we have 4 daughters 4 grandchildren, 2 stepdaughters and 5 more grandchildren.
I met her 14 years ago 5 years after my then wife died with a brain tumour, she divorced. She is 59 and I am 72. Her now partner is also 59. The girls have disowned her and it's all very distressing. The divorce isn't settled yet and it is getting quite acrimonious. Seven months along and no nearer to a settlement. I am retired on state pension and a small widowers pension. She is a high earner as an executive head teacher. I ended up devastated after the breakup and I am still on anti-depressants after counselling. Her eldest daughter the same. I feel the need to meet the spouse of the 'other man' and find out what sort of a man he really is. Just after the break up when I was very vulnerable my then-wife told me "He's a nice man you would like him" OK the age gap between us plaid a part but as our daughters point out she was aware of this from the start. I am not an old old man, I keep fit and I have the grandchildren 3 or 4 times a week from school. Sorry to be so long-winded... Should I meet the other man's wife?
Hi There,
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I have deleted the duplicate post so that things don't get confusing having 2 threads going.
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I think that only you can answer the question, I think it may help you, but on the other hand, why do you need to know who this man is?
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I guess it would depend on your reasons for wanting to meet her, what are you wanting to achieve?
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GTTS
To be honest, I really don't know, I suppose it's that if I know more about him I can destroy him, as he, they, have destroyed the family. It's pathetic I know but I feel they need to be accountable because I have not as yet made any waves and I feel I should do something. It pains me to see her daughter my step daughter, we are very close, suffering the rejection she feels and the two grandchildren she has forsaken 8 and 10 Hariette and Charlie. I really want to shake her and him but they are either oblivious or just don't care.?
Hello WiganShark,
I can fully understand your emotions at such at time. However devastating you feel the situation is, it is impossible to force other people to take responsibility for their actions, it is their own conscience which dictates that. You say, quote, ".....I have not as yet made any waves and I feel I should do something." I personally do not think you should make "any waves" or "do something" as I believe this would make a bad situation worse and make it more stressful for you and others in the family.
What I would do in your situation is maintain the good relationships you have with your daughters, step daughters and grandchildren, provide the stability they need and concentrate on keeping a loving family unit functioning. This will help them and in turn will help you enormously.
If I was in the same position as you, I personally would not want to meet the spouse of the "other man." Where is the benefit in meeting her? What can she do? How can she help?
I would take solace from the knowledge that you have not been the one who has caused this distress in the family.
Thanks for the sound advice, that sits better and my resentment is on the wane.