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Hello all,
My wife recently told me she wanted to separate after 12 years together (10 years married). We have 2 children (8 and 2) and although things haven't been great for a while the suddenness of my wifes decision to separate has taken me by surprise.
In our years together we've never argued aside from one issue we can't agree on - my family.
My wife was diagnosed with MS 8 years ago and she feels in that time she hasn't had support from my family. My wife can no longer work and whilst our eldest is in full time school, our youngest goes to a childminder twice a week in the morning (while my wife sleeps) and then my aunty, my wife's aunty and my parents help out the other three days. In addition, my parents have babysat for us to go out, helped around the house and given us a significant amount of money whilst I was out of work. All told, in my opinion they couldn't do much more.
In my view my wife has become more reclusive, more reliant on alcohol and it feels like she's blaming me and my family for the situation she finds herself in. When we talk at night she just hurls accusations at me and I don't get a chance to speak for hours. Trying to look at the situation dispassionately the other night I came to the conclusion that because she is so withdrawn from normal life she doesn't think normally. She's built this reality in her head that I can't budge as I'm part of the problem and her friends and family passively confirm this view as they don't really want to be involved.
It's a crazy situation and I worry for my wife's health in the future but I've tried all I can to help but I feel I can't do any more.
So I guess I don't know where to turn to next. My wife is refusing to try counselling (she says it's too late), so I guess reluctantly I have to look to a future where we separate.
To that end, I really just want to speak to someone about some provisional financial planning. I pay the majority of our households outgoings as the only breadwinner and if we have to split up I know there will be maintenance to be paid (my wife is happy for me to see the kids whenever I like as she can't do much physically with them) but how do we agree on what to do with our house? If I have to move out I don't really want to be tied in to a property I don't live in but the reality is my wife couldn't afford to stay in the house either.
I've tried looking for somewhere I can go to speak to somebody about these various issues but short of a solicitor or mediator there doesn't seem to be anything available. Before we go somewhere together I want to get some advice myself.
Apologies for the length of this post but obviously there's a lot going through my mind at the moment!
Thanks in advance.
if yous own the house. no tent or mortgage it could be sold and the money split 50/50. both of you need to find your own places. this money could help towards it. but can your wife deal with the kids living with just her with her illness? all this needs to be sorted. if you get 50/50 custody with kids thats fine but what about child support? dont give her cash towards kids, because several monts down line she ould go to child support and say you gave nothing and they would look for back payments.
Hello DadSW,
Your wife from what you write, sounds as though she is becoming very introspective and isolating herself from everyone also turning to alcohol to gain some kind of relief.
Having a progressive condition like M.S. can cause a considerable amount of emotional turmoil for her however helpful others are. It is a big thing to come to terms with and the physical limits it imposes on the sufferer. A combination of emotions and physical restrictions can cause constant negative thinking where the remaining positives in the life of that person become "lost." The positives need to be re-discovered and with professional help they can be.
It is a very difficult and unhappy situation for all of you. I wonder if her sudden decision in suggesting separation is a "cry for help." Does she really know what she wants?
Would she benefit from seeing her G.P. and requesting counselling (on her own) regarding her negative thoughts and alcohol consumption?
There is also the M.S. Society who may also be able to help. They do have local branches I understand.
In my reply I have commented only on your wife's mental and physical conditions as I wonder if she can be helped regarding these then the other issues between the two of you may improve or cease to exist.
I agree, I think you need to see your GP, and possibly also Relate, or similar. I would see if there is anything that can be done to save the relationship at this stage before moving on. As your wife has physical disabilities, you will probably be expected to pay spousal support (separate to child maintenance) and a house split may well not be a 50/50 split.
Hi there
As you have a pre school child you could speak to your Health Visitor about this situation and your concerns should you separate. I would also speak to your GP about what's happening.
As her illness progresses she is going to need more and more support, I don't think she thought this through, which indicates that she acting on a purely emotional basis.
I don't know a great deal about the financial side of separation/divorce, but as has already been said, you may be liable for spousal maintenance and if you sell the property any split of equity is likely to be in her favour.
I completely agree with you that your wife is blaming those closest to her for her situation, she's probably frightened about her future, which makes it difficult for her to take on the reality of her situation...it's easier to blame others. Could you not speak to her friends and ask them to talk to her, she does need to be helped to explore the future and how that would work as a single parent.
If she has a burgeoning problem with alcohol, if you leave this could also escalate and the children will bear the brunt of this and also having to be careers for their mother....it's very sad and I really feel for you all.
Best of luck