Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Will try to keep this short:
have recently separated and agreed to move out of family home to a place provided by my employer as part of the job (haven’t been living there for a while but kept it on in case of some instance like this happening). At moment it’s fairly amicable but I can see how things could turn nasty quickly. We’ve agreed to set up joint bank account to take care of mortgage, utility bills etc plus anything that our two kids would need, paying equally into it on a monthly basis to cover all these costs. So far we are in agreement until I requested that the family allowance and disability living allowance for my slightly disabled son (about £450 per month) – she has so far refused, not in agreement of my point that it’s not in fact her money but for the children and hence be paid into the joint account.
I’m not too sure whether to push this all the way or let it go – I’ve been with her for best part of 20years and know she can be a stubborn so and so. I come and go to the house and take care of the kids when she is not there – we have decided this is best for them rather than them live half with me and half with her. As regards incomes I earn slightly more than her but it just doesn’t seem fair that she keeps these allowances for herself?
Any thoughts anybody has would be gratefully received.
Hi
Without knowing the figures, it does seem that you are probably paying over the odds if you sat down and worked out child maintenance and any settlement in a divorce/separation.
However, aside this issue with the allowance, you do seem to have come to a certain level of peace, which I can imagine that any court action might damage, so I would say that it's still best to try to come to an agreement, possibly even before considering mediation.
Is there any cost which is specific to your son to do with his disability? If so, perhaps you could suggest that your ex covers those costs out of the benefit, and then the arrangement you have continues for all other costs.
Hi Woldul,
I see your point and can sympathise. My situation is not massively different but I'm a year down the road with little 'official' agreement as to our legal separation. I've been paying 1/2 the mortgage and the CSA calculation in maintenance (for my 5 kids) by informal arrangement. I tried to have, but couldn't afford, my own rented place and had to give it up (2/5 of my salary going to the ex, credit card debt repayments and rent/bills was more than I could afford and started to build even more debt)...
Now that she has split from the occasional boy-friend / distraction, that she left me for, she has suddenly become keen to move on with her life and career. Siting the fact she has been a stay at home Mum for 16 years, she believes that I should agree to taking our kids 50% of the time so that she can start some kind of career...please don't get me wrong, I love my kids and see them at least 2 evenings a week and every second weekend (sometimes more), albeit at the family home...I could go into the reasons why 50/50 isn't practical for me (including the fact that I travel with work and I'm effectively homeless and staying with family or friends) but just wanted to say that I had considered taking then half the time but discovered that only the primary carer can claim benefits. I know that this isn't the point that you're making, however, when you consider that the CSA makes you pay the money direct to the primary carer (with no obligation for them to show or prove how the money is spent on the kids) it doesn't encourage the primary carer (or X2B) to be so transparent about their finances...
In my case now, I feel that she wants me to agree to take the kids for the amount of time she thinks she might need BEFORE she will agree to progress our separation financially (in a way that will let me get re-established again)...assuming that we are going to find an amicable solution...but it is all very cart-before-the-horse and have-her-cake-and-eat-it...have tried to make her understand that I can't agree to 50/50 parenting (or any set parenting agreement) when I don't know if it's affordable or practical (and that with 5 kids we may just need to suck-it-and-see in terms of parenting)...
I can understand why couples split up, but can also see why it's so difficult...people need to understand that there are no winners in separation and that you just have to try and do the best for you and your kids...if more people new how horrible it all is, perhaps they would consider short "trial separations" or counselling before giving up on a normal married relationship (I just mean the struggles, resentments, taking each other for granted and problems with the kids that can build up to a breakdown in families...not some of the more extreme reasons for break-ups)...certainly my eldest had problems/difficulties that caused us (and still cause us) stress for many years (and we did claim DLA for a few years)...I know that (by agreeing to be the one to move out) I quickly rediscovered how important my ex and kids were to me...and maybe she would have too (if she hadn't decided to go down the route of getting involved with other men)....who knows...it's just all pretty sad really...better stop there or I could just go on an on....
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.