[Solved] Separating

Hi there

This is a really difficult time for you, especially as you are forced to stay under the same roof for another couple of months. You're just going to have to try to steer clear of confrontation and not react. If she is being verbally abusive then you could try recording her outbursts....the simple act of recording her on your phone might put a stop to her behaviour!

Try and get things moving towards mediation, if this doesn't work then you can submit an application for contact once you move out. It's always a good idea to ask for more time than you would be happy with as this gives you room to compromise.

Good luck

Hi Ruzz,

I'm guessing that your wife has been to see a solicitor (about the divorce), and since then the accusations of DV, the claim that the children are better off with her and the constant hen-pecking in search of an adverse reaction have started. It is sadly true that solicitors encourage female clients who are mothers to do all of these things, and that is a sad manifestation of the family court system. The accusations of DV will be so that your wife will qualify for free legal aid (and so the solicitor will get paid) and to reduce your chances of time with your children (for financial reasons). They need not be true for the first to happen, and are only required to be probable for the second, it is difficult (but not impossible, as Rebecca Minnock found out last week) to disprove vague allegations of DV, and on the whole women do quite well out it.

I'm wondering whether shared parenting is out of the question? Mothers tend to hate it because they lose lots of control and get less money (both in CM and share of your estate) but often kids love it because they see both parents. It is just a thought, and may not be practical in your case.

To answer your question: many of us here have had to live with ex-wives who have taken every opportunity to raise an adverse reaction. What is the answer: grin and bear it, never rise to the bait, look after your children (your wife will probably try to stop this, beware of accusations of abuse, depending on how desperate your wife becomes), and when she calls the police to complain make sure you are above reproach and cooperate. Also do all the stuff that Mojo says: look after yourself as best you can, don't turn to drink, keep fit, make it clear to your children that you are coping (they don't want to see a weak dad).

Good fortune,

O

Thanks Mojo and Othen, sorry it's taken so long to reply. I was a bit upset when I made that post and completely forgot about it afterwards. Great advice though, so thanks to you both.

I still feel pretty helpless, and I guess once it reaches this situation it'll only get better once we're actually apart. My sister has kindly offered me a place to stay for a month. I'm inclined to accept the offer but I wonder if this would be construed as abandonment by the courts? I'd still be paying all the bills and keeping her afloat financially.

Abandonment in terms of caring for the children? I would think it would be a sensible step, it can't be nice for any of you having to live under the same roof right now. You might find you are both able to move forward on the issues with some physical space between you.

Good luck

Abandonment in terms of caring for the children? I would think it would be a sensible step, it can't be nice for any of you having to live under the same roof right now. You might find you are both able to move forward on the issues with some physical space between you.

Good luck[/quote

Op you've been given great advice, however, please heed this warning, when you go to your sisters (and you should), initially what will happen is the siding and bolstering "how can she do this to you the [censored]" and it riles you, g's you up its supposed to be supportive but be careful NOT to react to it by telling her she is being a [censored]. My brother recently wrote to me "you have learned to shut your mouth, and its about time with this one as you were never going to get reason and solution, you cannot react as infinitesimally difficult that becomes" shes taking things from you that mean the world to you, you're on a forum where we are either experiencing it or have survived it.

My futher advice (and Im only just learning):

Never answer the phone directly, she'll leave a voicemail, then you can think of an answer.
Never reply to a text immediately (she doesnt know youve seen it) walk out of the room and think.

If people reversed their details theyd get a much fairer answer but it isnt a system that supports a 'how would mum like it' because she never will have to.

Its [censored] hard, really really [censored] hard but remember whenever you're stressing what your objective is, (we've all failed at this too), like my objective is to progress contact with my son, trying to make my ex value me may be incredibly futile but Im putting one before the other, I hoped if she thought I was a good dad again she'd change, she wont, she doesnt 'lose' and doesnt value, Im not sure that will change. and FWIW Ive been accused of doing stuff when I was in a completely different town and yes its ridiculous. But however vile it is its almost par for the course.

ReplyQuote

Never reply to a text immediately (she doesnt know youve seen it) walk out of the room and think.

I agree entirely with your advice - I would point out though that if you use something like whatsapp, she will know you've read it. But that still doesn't mean you have to answer immediately - do it when you are ready.