[Solved] Separating

Hi Notsoperfect,

My thoughts are that there is nothing that cannot be resolved however there must be comprimise on both sides.

Assertive communication by both parties is a must. No one party putting theyre rights over the other.

I would have given everything to keep my family together, and almost did as my health suffered in the end. This is why I say there must be compromise by both.

It never was my choice to put our daughters through the emotional turmoil and confusion that they are currently experienceing as a result of the seperation of my ex and I.

Spend time talking, get councelling, re establish the feelings that brought you together. Dates, family outing.....

At last if you do that you can look your children in the eye and say you did everything you could to keep the family together for them, your wife and yourself.

Regards,

Dave

Thanks Dave Makes alot of sense! I've never been a quitter! I guess over time I've just got worn down. I'm sure this is true on both parts and I know I have not tried enough, just convincing her of a difference is another thing. we had another long chat last night, although it was like treading on egg shells and knowing what she wants to do too was difficult to read. It feels she does not want me to give up, and I don't want the kids to be put through any pain of a separation. I would rather take the pain on my back, though I feel things may be salvageable now, it may not last....

Thanks again Dave

Hi Notsoperfect,

Wow it sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment but you are both communicating - which is great. It sounds like you both have the will to try to sort things out.

If I have read your post correctly It looks like there are a lot of little issues causing arguments and resentments, is this right ?

Gooner

Yeah, and I know I could be alot more helpful in that respect with day to day things. She works Part time so she can collect our youngest and the eldest is already in high school making her own way. Obviously this will change next year in Sep when the youngest starts High school. I have my flaws and she is finding it hard as the kids grow up and become lest reliant on us. I have a Hobby that keeps me busy 2 evenings a week. She however has not although I've tried to encourage her to go out more with the girls or take up something. Since we have had the kids we don't go out anymore and I know we should however she has issues with her own family and mine. I do feel we need to lean on family a bit more although after being let down by family in the past she is reluctant. Our lives have always been chaotic and now they are more than ever.....its a mine field...

It sounds like you are suggesting that you don't spend much time just being a couple and having fun together? Is this right?

Yeah we have not and in some sense drifted apart unintentionally

Often all the little flash points are not the cause of the problems we experience in a relationship but just the more visable signs of another more basic problem.

We all want to feel loved/cared for, needed and respected - Do you think that could be the issue?

If you do then I would suggest you think of some ways to spend time just as a couple and enjoy being a couple again.

Maybe a regular date night, a shared hobby or interest - the odd weekend away (if possible) - even something as simple as making time to have a meal at home together after the children have gone to bed.

Gooner

Yes that is very true!

To be honest I think it is a large part of the issue, and I'm abit of a workaholic at times to help provide for my family. Then cos I work hard I do switch off or want some me time, the couple time has suffered and I do need to fit it in.
We had a good long heart to heart late last night and she still has her doubts about me. I told her how I felt and how i do want to make things work. She is still very unsure and she has her own issues to deal with.

Without being mean or nasty, she is overweight and I've never wanted to tell her as she knows it herself already. I've always supported her too and advised here that if she wants to change it's up to her and it must be for her. Because of the way things have been, she has also become paranoid about me straying, which is not me.

Trying to plan a bit more and see how I can change and make time for things, it will be uphill but my life has always been that way.

Thanks Gooner

...I think you need to help her build her confidence up again. If she's feeling sidelined and redundant then it's vital that you begin to include her again and to make her feel special...once she feels valued she will value herself and the effort to make the changes to get back on track will not seem so insurmountable.

Love her for who she is right now and that means looking past her weight to the person inside. Once you have made that connection with her and show that you love her unconditionally then things will start to get better I'm sure.

Good luck

Nannyjane Thanks

Gonna try to do this and as stupid as it sounds I think I've forgotten how a bit.

I do lover her no matter how she looks and she will always be special to me. The weight is not really a issue for me, its more her. All the time she puts herself down despite me being positive, normally centring around clothes that no longer fit or the lack of clothes she has that look nice.

Me and the kids do Karate and its kinda the Family sport. She tried it and it was not her thing. Karate in a sense has become a huge part of the family life with training for both me and the kids happening twice a week.

I'm gonna try, however even last night she was still very unsure and being honest It does not feel the same.......we have had bad arguments in the past, however its never been like this and I have never posted on a forum like this before.........Have not been able to talk to anyone and the last few nights I've been waking up in soaking cold sweats at 3am....

Have you considered couple counselling?

Gooner.