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Hi all,
I’m new to the site and stumbled across it just yesterday, this is my first post and feeling a bit lost right now.
My wife and I after being together for 13 years have potentially decided to separate. We have 2 daughters 10 and 12 which we both love dearly despite driving us up the wall some times. Due to just life in general we have drifted apart. My work is generally chaotic at the best of times (being a sales person involving travel and attending functions) and couple this with me having 3 years ago finally deciding to get fit again as I was starting to hate myself. This left little time for both family and couple time. As you can imagine the couple time is what has taken the hit, resulting frustrations on both sides. Arguments become unresolved, other party can never truly relate to how the other is feeling and the distance between us has just grown. I have changed into someone different of whom I’m both proud to be but also disgusted at the same time. I never meant to neglect my wife or her needs, cause her any pain but I have done and hate myself for it. I love her yet know at the same time if I change will it make things any better, will either of us be happy. As the kids have started to grow up more she has started to feel a bit more redundant and more like a maid around the house than anything else and I have only seemed to have cemented that. She feels that her and the kids have held me back and I know this has not been the case and have always supported me through thick and thin. She has a very vicious streak (can be cold and cruel verbally) when arguing and we have been through some serious arguments before and I have always been the one really willing to fight for it. Seems we have rubbed off on each other and now my temper has got worse and I seem to just be abrupt, lose my temper and just shout more in general (again I hate myself for this). I don’t want to hurt anymore or hurt her anymore and reluctantly feel this is the right thing to do.
This all came about after being away for work on a business trip last week where she got upset that I did not contact them every day despite speaking to her and the kids on 3 of the days and 2 of the days by texting. The trip itself was 7 days long of which 2 days un-contactable travel with a 10hrs time difference. When I got home yesterday she did not want to know and then the build up of things simmering, I guess overflowed. I wanted to give her some space to just calm down a bit and was there if she needed anything. I offered to help with some things and she declined and just retired to bed at 1930. I went up stairs later and it kicked off, talking about everything. She mentioned things that I had offered to help her with where she declined and said I should have just helped anyway. That was always her way of showing she didn’t need or rely on me. By asking me to do something was sometimes like begging, although I have never seen it that way and would just get on with it if she just asked……I’m no mind reader.
I know she is really upset and was crying last night afterwards. I was just feeling numb, confused, scared about everything. I keep asking myself should I be doing this, should we stay together for the sake of the kids and not mess them up.
Just very scared at the moment….
Thanks for any thoughts
Hi Notsoperfect,
My thoughts are that there is nothing that cannot be resolved however there must be comprimise on both sides.
Assertive communication by both parties is a must. No one party putting theyre rights over the other.
I would have given everything to keep my family together, and almost did as my health suffered in the end. This is why I say there must be compromise by both.
It never was my choice to put our daughters through the emotional turmoil and confusion that they are currently experienceing as a result of the seperation of my ex and I.
Spend time talking, get councelling, re establish the feelings that brought you together. Dates, family outing.....
At last if you do that you can look your children in the eye and say you did everything you could to keep the family together for them, your wife and yourself.
Regards,
Dave
Thanks Dave Makes alot of sense! I've never been a quitter! I guess over time I've just got worn down. I'm sure this is true on both parts and I know I have not tried enough, just convincing her of a difference is another thing. we had another long chat last night, although it was like treading on egg shells and knowing what she wants to do too was difficult to read. It feels she does not want me to give up, and I don't want the kids to be put through any pain of a separation. I would rather take the pain on my back, though I feel things may be salvageable now, it may not last....
Thanks again Dave
Hi Notsoperfect,
Wow it sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment but you are both communicating - which is great. It sounds like you both have the will to try to sort things out.
If I have read your post correctly It looks like there are a lot of little issues causing arguments and resentments, is this right ?
Gooner
Yeah, and I know I could be alot more helpful in that respect with day to day things. She works Part time so she can collect our youngest and the eldest is already in high school making her own way. Obviously this will change next year in Sep when the youngest starts High school. I have my flaws and she is finding it hard as the kids grow up and become lest reliant on us. I have a Hobby that keeps me busy 2 evenings a week. She however has not although I've tried to encourage her to go out more with the girls or take up something. Since we have had the kids we don't go out anymore and I know we should however she has issues with her own family and mine. I do feel we need to lean on family a bit more although after being let down by family in the past she is reluctant. Our lives have always been chaotic and now they are more than ever.....its a mine field...
It sounds like you are suggesting that you don't spend much time just being a couple and having fun together? Is this right?
Often all the little flash points are not the cause of the problems we experience in a relationship but just the more visable signs of another more basic problem.
We all want to feel loved/cared for, needed and respected - Do you think that could be the issue?
If you do then I would suggest you think of some ways to spend time just as a couple and enjoy being a couple again.
Maybe a regular date night, a shared hobby or interest - the odd weekend away (if possible) - even something as simple as making time to have a meal at home together after the children have gone to bed.
Gooner
Yes that is very true!
To be honest I think it is a large part of the issue, and I'm abit of a workaholic at times to help provide for my family. Then cos I work hard I do switch off or want some me time, the couple time has suffered and I do need to fit it in.
We had a good long heart to heart late last night and she still has her doubts about me. I told her how I felt and how i do want to make things work. She is still very unsure and she has her own issues to deal with.
Without being mean or nasty, she is overweight and I've never wanted to tell her as she knows it herself already. I've always supported her too and advised here that if she wants to change it's up to her and it must be for her. Because of the way things have been, she has also become paranoid about me straying, which is not me.
Trying to plan a bit more and see how I can change and make time for things, it will be uphill but my life has always been that way.
Thanks Gooner
...I think you need to help her build her confidence up again. If she's feeling sidelined and redundant then it's vital that you begin to include her again and to make her feel special...once she feels valued she will value herself and the effort to make the changes to get back on track will not seem so insurmountable.
Love her for who she is right now and that means looking past her weight to the person inside. Once you have made that connection with her and show that you love her unconditionally then things will start to get better I'm sure.
Good luck
Nannyjane Thanks
Gonna try to do this and as stupid as it sounds I think I've forgotten how a bit.
I do lover her no matter how she looks and she will always be special to me. The weight is not really a issue for me, its more her. All the time she puts herself down despite me being positive, normally centring around clothes that no longer fit or the lack of clothes she has that look nice.
Me and the kids do Karate and its kinda the Family sport. She tried it and it was not her thing. Karate in a sense has become a huge part of the family life with training for both me and the kids happening twice a week.
I'm gonna try, however even last night she was still very unsure and being honest It does not feel the same.......we have had bad arguments in the past, however its never been like this and I have never posted on a forum like this before.........Have not been able to talk to anyone and the last few nights I've been waking up in soaking cold sweats at 3am....
I've mentioned it, however it's too late. I come back from a work trip not so long ago and some pictures from an evening out that look incrementing, although completely harmless. Now as explained before I have not been the best to her so I can understand to an extent. Because of this she does not want anything further to do with me and does not want me to go near the kids until I've been tested and wants me to leave immediately. I have not slept with anyone and I'm feeling very numb right now... I was trying to make the positive changes and be a better Husband and father to my Wife and kids.....Totally gutted
I am so sorry to hear that. You can still go to couple counselling if you're separated.
We have some great separation information on the site located here which you might find useful.
We also have an excellent DAD coaching service for separating dads. The details are here.
Finally there is a web app that is available on the site called Sorting Out Separation that also may be of help. It's located here.
It sounds like the two of you may need some space to sort your heads out and decide what the next step is - if you think you can or want to salvage the relationship or not.
We are here for you to offer support and advice no matter what happens.
Keep talking
Gooner
Thanks Gooner, I'll take a look at the links. Looks like I'm going back to my mum's for a bit and it's not been made public the fact we are splitting up. I know there will be a barrage of questions from people and I know that it's 99% my fault. The heart break is bad enough as it is, but the shame that I screwed things up and people judging......not sure I'll be able to cope. I'm not a bad person and just not sure I can deal with that pressure too.
That sucks big time.
You need to be not so hard on yourself at the moment. It sounds like you are judging yourself very harshly. Give yourself a break, seriously. At times like this we can be our own worse critics.
Maybe Gooner is right some space will do you both the world of good. Allow you to both think about what is important to you.
I also agree that you should both look at attending relate or something - maybe it will help you understand each others point of view and work out if you have something worth saving.
Hang in there and don't beat yourself up.
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