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Hi,
New to this forum an hoping for some advise:
Me and my ex wife separated a year ago (amicable although initiated by her, and we cant get divorced for another year - no grounds), we have sold the family home (split profit 50/50) we both care for our 2 children 50/50 and I also pay maintenance (more than 10% of my salary).
When moving into her rented accommodation over 7 months ago, her guarantor failed the credit checks so I stepped in so my children could have a family home with her.
Fast forward 7 months...
I can do nothing right and I am getting abusive text if I do not do what she wants.
I have many examples of these texts over the passed few months.
Can these text be viewed as harassment and grounds for Unreasonable Behaviour to speed up the divorce process? In these text are examples of where she has used the kids as ammunition saying I am now allowed to see them. Although she does not carry out this threat when I go to collect them.
Latest abuse was because I apparently lied to my daughters when I told them a new "Friend of mine" used to go to the same school as me and that if I carry on lying she will tell the kids the truth... truth is we did go to the same school, just at different times 😆 .
Another abusive message was because I could not have the kids a night earlier than in our rota. I was asked at 4pm if I could have the kids over night rather than picking them up in the morning. I was at work till 6pm and then had made arrangements to go out. But apparently this meant I was a disgrace and I was not allowed to see the children again.
Also I am being told other people are disgusted in my behaviour and that my true colours are being seen. So can this be classed as defimition of character and used as grounds of harassment.
I wouldn't mind, but I make sure that on my 50% custody I am there for every school run, work less hours and pay for all child care expenses. Best of it I have been advised by mutual friends that people are doing school runs on her days on her behalf so she can get a matching tattoos with her new partner.
Again not sure if this is the right place on the forum but any advise would be appreciated.
i would say ignore all the rubbish you hear. theres no benefit in challenging it. a liar will reply with more lies. only act if your prevented from seeing your kids.
...She sounds rather spoilt to me and unwilling to relinquish control over you... is there some bitterness too, do you think she regrets instigating the split?
When you won’t do as she asks , she gets nasty... but as you said, she doesn’t carry through with the threats, I think it’s better that you just ignore it. I don’t think a few abusive texts will alter the course of the divorce, most separating couples have issues dealing with each other.
As for other people, if they’re not true friends, or people that care about you, I wouldn’t let it bother you... people that know you, know that your not that person.
Just focus on your children, you sound like you’ve got the kind of contact that some on here can only dream of... getting over relationships takes time, it’s only been a year and you’re still going through the divorce, once it’s all done and dusted, you’ll be able to move on and things won’t seem so irritating.
If her messages bother you, get a cheap phone and give her that number to contact you on, that way her calls won’t come up on the phone you use, to disrupt your day, and you can choose when you look at any messages she has sent...it gives you back some control over the situation.
All the best
Thanks all for your reply’s and it makes perfect sense.
Suppose it’s just she initiated the separation, has a new partner she seems to be seeing 24/7 and sharing a house with my new kids with, but still wants that control and resentment towards me and what I do with my life.
She says she wants to remain friends but how can you be friends with someone that treats you this way if they don’t get their own way.
Thursday I was asked if I could have the children earlier Friday morning as she had work (she didn’t find out she had a shift till 5pm Thursday evening) I agreed and said would collect children at 7am. I would normally collect the girls Friday afternoon from school following a full days work.
Only to get there at 7am for here to be in her dressing gown, and told her shift had been cancelled, what would I like to do. I just took the children and carried on like nothing was said.
What work place offers and shift and then cancels in less than 24 hours? Lol
More lies I believe as her new partner was their and I bet they wanted longer at home together.
I think you did exactly the right thing, it’s your children that matter and kicking off about the unannounced change of plan on Friday morning when you got there would just have upset them. Be accommodating, you’re doing it for your kids sake, not hers... that’s the best perspective to have.
The fact that you don’t rise to her behaviour may get under her skin more, showing you’ve truly moved on.
As I said before, your split is still fairly fresh and as yet not fully resolved...give it more time and the divorce nisi in your hand and you’ll start to feel better.
All the best
Thanks for the advice. I always make sure I am there for the children if I do not have work commitments.
I’m lucky that my work are very accommodating and allow me to work from home.
Re: not reacting I have made sure that is best policy as replying just escalates the situation with more verbal attacks rather than the situation being resolved.
I called the children on my way home from work the other day via my in car speaker phone. The after the call was told “to never call the children again on speaker phone as they are entitled to their privacy” hahaha you couldn’t make it up.
No you couldn’t! I think you need a sense of humour, don’t let it get to you and don’t stop calling your kids on speaker phone either!
It seems to me that if she’s prepared to lie to have more time with her new bloke, her needs take priority over the kids... she’s likely to want you to have them more not less!
All the best