[Solved] Relationship falling apart, help

Sorry to hear things are difficult for you at the moment, but you've found a good place to go in this website.I know personally how hard it is for men to get sound advice when we really need it.

Reading your story, it seems to me that you are being forced (or at least feel that way) to make decisions that you are not comfortable with. Compromise is one thing in a relationship, but unrealistic expectations can put you under pressure. I'm sure your children are very important to you, why should you have to live two separate lives to accommodate love in one and your children in another? Surely if your partner wants you, that comes with everything you are, children and all. We don't get to choose the bits we like and discard the rest. Is it possible you could meet someone who is happy with the whole package?

Your self-esteem sounds like it has taken a knock too, I get that as I'm in the same position, it makes choices unclear. All I would say is try and focus on what makes you happy, think about where you want to go in the future and try to make a decision based on that future.

I know it's easier said then done, but your happiness starts with you.

Thanks for your comments, and everyone ive spoken too have said exactly the same. I guess its hard when you are totally in love with someone and only want them back. Im in a position where i cant see or think clearly and i end up sitting at home wondering if its me being unfair to her by forcing my kids on to her, or its me being unreasonable asking for 1 whole life. Afterall, my kids arent hers.

I know she is being selfish. I once asked her if the shoe was on the other foot would she do what I have done. She said no. But if we wanted to be together then this is what it will take.

She is happy living 2 lives, she gets free weekends to spend with her friends when i have my kids then the rest of the time with me in a kid free environment. But there is always issues if my kids want to see me outside of my agreed access time. My ex-wife has no issues in me seeing my kids more, byt my parter did. She told me i needed to stock to alternate weekends and the rest of the time was ours to be a couple.

I dont know if she is right or I am right in saying i should be able to see my kids whenever i want. I suffer with anxiety anyway, and my self esteem is extremely low. I just cant get a hold on what it fair and unfair and constantly feel the reason we arent togehter is my fault.

I would say it's worth seeing Relate with your lady to see if you can come to a better agreement - with any luck you will both speak to them separately where you can both open up about the issues and then you can start to find a way forward. As a matter of interest, how old are your daughters? At some point, they might want to do "girly" things like shopping for clothes, at which point your lady and your children might start to bond more.

Ive spoken to her today about this and she is adamant that the only way we can get back into a relationship is if we separate the kids from our relationship and i live 2 lives. She said that would give our relationship and my relationship with the kids equal time to grow. She said we have nothing to talk about if I dont agree to that.

From her perspective, she doesnt want kids but she is willing to compromise by losing me from our relationship half of the weekends a year but she cant contemplate a relationship right now as I see my kids 3 weekends a month.

My kids are 9 and 12.

Hi there

I think she's being unfair to you and unrealistic in her demands. For me my children come first... always, they are non negotiable and if I had to choose, it would be them every time.

Your children are coming to an age where your relationship with them is entering a new stage, your oldest is reaching puberty and will have plenty to deal with, she will need to feel confident and secure in her relationship with you, it if you let your partner dictate terms, I feel this will impact on your children as they get older....Dads and their daughters; it's a very special relationship!

All the best

Hi Farmer G,

Sorry if a bit crass but this is a simple no brainer for me, if she isn't willing to compromise on something as important as your kids then its time to let her go.

From what you write she is making you choose between your kids and her...... your kids will always be there and will always come first...... this is creating resentment at having to choose, this resentment has grown over time and will continue to grow..... hence your questioning...... I believe that in your heart of hearts you already know the answer.

Maybe things may have worked if she had the perspective of having her own children.... unfortunately she does not and enjoys the freedoms of being childless so much that she has no intention of changing this, it does not seem to me that she is in a position to be able to relate to having kids, or want to relate to your children. Not only is she rejecting your need for her to acknowledge your children, in a lot of ways she is also rejecting a big part of who you are and your life, past, present and future.

It seems reasonable that she is willing to 'compromise' to give both relationships space to grow, however the reality is that one relationship or the other will suffer due to your choice.... she's essentially asking you to choose between her and your kids.

she sounds a control freak who wants her cake and to eat it. she wants a relationship but is too selfish to have your kids. get out quick

I have to agree with the above, if she isn't willing to work towards all of you being a family together, the it bodes badly for the future - a relationship is a partnership, and at the moment it doesn't seem that way. You have to get it clear in your head where your priorities lie, but your kids are still young and need you, they can't make a choice , it's you who will do that and at the age they are at, they need to know that they are a priority. You could try to lead your double life for another 10 years perhaps, but is that really what you want?