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Hello,
First time here, and frankly in an absolute mess. Just hoping others have been through this and can give me some hope.
Basically I've been in a relationship for 7 years,which from day 1 has been a mess, on both sides. Paranoia,jealousy, vicious arguing. It's gone from bad to worse, I've made mistakes and am happy to admit I'm probably more to blame than her. Add to that them loss of my job, mother, grandparents, and having a 22 year history of major depression and life has been frankly awful.
My partner got pregnant unplanned, and even that hasn't brought us together. If anything we have been worse. While neither of us have been physically violent apart from a push or a shove, the rest of the relationship has been mental. Three months ago I admitted myself to hospital because I felt I was a risk to myself. As always in the NHS they treated my MH like the lurgy, gave me a diazepam and sent me home. On top of all this my partner played my illness off me, blaming it when it suited her and telling me it didn't exist at other times, despite seeing a letter from my social worker stating how unwell I was and how my illness was made worse. After a horrendous few months on the worst anti depressant ever (Cymbalta, never take it) I deceived t ray and come off it. It has been awful, akin to heroin withdrawal.
Last week after another awful argument, I just had to leave. I felt like my head was going to explode, I could not deal with more arguing in front of an unborn child, and left. I went back around Monday morning to talk but she has ignored me ever since.
Now the baby is due in under 2 weeks, I'm being told that I abandoned her even though ie made every effort to talk,s et up Relate appointment which she didn't want to attend, have said I can work at her pace, never denied financial support etc.
I'm so utterly depressed that she is now using the child against me, saying I won't be at birth, naming, not on the certificate and will have no access. My family are devastated, and I am really struggling to cope. I've no doubt now that she'll also go for maximum CS contributions, and she is also threatening to slander me in front of people we both mutually know.
I've taken advice, and have been pretty much assured that there is no reason why I shouldn't have access, but it may not be for 6 months and have to go to court.
I just cannot understand why shouldn't for the sake of the child at least talk. What harm would one counselling session have done.
All this on top of a long standing MH problem, and a pressured job which I'm failing at is becoming too much to cope with. I've always had suicidal thoughts but in my favour I'm a coward. But lately I feel the fear of doing something is lessening, and I've even collected a rope and put it in my van etc
Sorry to dump this on all of you, but of anyone has been through a similar experience and can offer any hope in this darkest of times I would so welcome it.
Mack
Hi Mack and welcome to the forum 🙂
Please don't apologise, you haven't dumped on us...I'm really glad you've come here and have been able to talk about what's troubling you. It's important that you have sought help it tells me there's a chink of light in the darkness. I want to help all I can.
I'm going to start by asking if you have a CPN and are on any medication at the moment? If not i think it would be a good idea to think about going back to your GP, they have lots of other drugs that can help, it's a matter of trying them out until you find one that suits.
Try not to worry too much about the situation with the baby right now, you do have rights as a father and once the baby is born, we can give you help and advice on how to move forward.
Please keep talking to us Mack.
Hi Mack and welcome.
The good thing is that you are talking about this. As Nannyjane says, go back to your GP and sort out your medication, and certainly, if you are coming off medication, you need to come off slowly otherwise it will hit you hard, as it may already be doing.
It may help if you look at CrazyBabyMother's posts - look at his earliest posts and then look at his last dozen or so posts. I hope that will give you and idea that however hopeless the situation may seem, it can be turned around.
I see no reason why you won't get to see your baby - I would think that it would be supervised contact for quite some time, but it's not the bad thing that it's sometimes made out to be - it is meaningful contact in safe environment, and that means safe for you, as well as your baby. I certainly won't try to hide that it could be a long haul, but the end result will be so rewarding for you and your baby.
One last thing for the moment - would now be a good time to evaluate your job? If you are going to be paying around 15% of your takehome pay, maybe now is a good time to concentrate more on your long term happiness in a job.
Hi Mack,
You are not alone. and like Nanny Jane and ACTD said it is good you are talking about this.
The important thing is to focus on you right now, you can only be helpful to both your unborn child and your partner if you are ok.
You have rights and we will support you with advice on how to go about being involved in your childs life, but lets start with you..
If your employer is reasonable, please let them know what's happening so that this eases the pressure on you right now. If you can and if it does not affect your work, it may be best to ask your doctor to sign you off for a couple of weeks.
Very good step approaching relate, you have already demonstrated you want this to work, so do not give up. I would also advise that you ask for some support for you, so you can talk to someone about what's going on.
Do not fault yourself Mack, having a baby alone brings it's own pressures to a couple and relationships.
Please keep talking to us Mack..
Mack....I just wanted to say that if you would rather talk privately to any of us we have a private messaging facility which you can access by clicking on to "private messages" which is written in blue and situated at the top right hand side of the page....it can also be accessed from your profile page.
We are here for you Mack x
Thanks for your reply guys. Cymbalta are the worst SSRIs ever, and I'm really sick of taking drugs. I've been waiting 18 months for assessment but do have a social worker. The only way you get help is to do so signing dramatic, it's ridiculous. Lots of bad habits forming, looking at places wheni might do it, throwing a rope in my van. Not good. Worried that at some point my perspective will go completely, and I'll do something. Tired of bringing people down and can't remeber the last time I was content.
Thinking about not seeing my child in its first months is killing me. This whole abandoned jibe being tnro out me is rubbish, I left because my mental health was worsening as was hers, and the poor baby already had to put up with 7 months of our horrendous arguments.
I've no doubt she'll go for full CSA now, which I gather is 17% of gross these days! which is lunacy. The sector I work in is already fragile and I can see me renting a room in a house for the next 18 years, and her creaming off a ridiculous amount of money.
She's also threatening to slander me which worries me too. I did not abandon anyone. I anabdoned a god awful poisonous relationship!
It's all a disaster . I will checkout the member you mention and hopefully find something in the tank, which feels completely empty at the moment.
Thank for listening. Feeling very isolated.
....thanks for getting back to us Mack. I know how p**s poor the NHS MH team can be sometimes but hang on in there and keep at them. If you are unhappy with their response get back onto your social worker and GP and ask for another referral.
I want you to think seriously about your child now, and remember how important you will be to him or her. Honestly, my dad was my world, he worked abroad in construction from when I was little but the periods of separation only brought us closer...he was so special to me and my life would have been far less had he not been in it. Things may seem bleak now but when the baby is here you will feel such a surge of love it will give a whole new perspective on things.
Don't listen to what she is saying, her threats and harsh words are designed to hurt you. Many women seem to lose sense of reality during pregnancy, usually at the beginning and then more crucially at the end, which is where she is now.
Lets say the fight back starts today! As Chris says lets concentrate on getting you back on your feet.
Hi Mack,
It sounds like you are going through an awful lot at the moment , It's no wonder you are felling so low. You are talking to us though which is a great sign.
The most important thing at the moment is that you get some help. Do you have a GP that you feel comfortable talking to? It's important that you see a doctor as soon as possible, are you able to make an appointment tomorrow? If you weren't feeling great on the last tablets that were prescribed then tell your GP, you may be able to get some others that will not be so bad.
Keep talking
Gooner.
Well it's late now but I just wanted to say goodnight Mack....you are in my thoughts.
I know you feel isolated but you are not alone in the sense that we will be walking alongside you every step of the way.
Keep talking my friend x
Thanks everyone for your replays. I am seeing the doctor tomorrow. One of the reasons I has to leave was that she didn't take my mental health seriously,and the relationship was making me suicidal. Now I feeling that way about the thought of nit seeing my child.
I've no doubt she'll be taking this all the way in the nastiest fashion possible. For over a week I've begged her just to tell me how her and the child are, and nothing. She knows exactly what this doing to me and still does it. What sort of person does that.
Stu
Hi Stu
It's good you have an appointment with the GP tomorrow, lets hope they can get you on the right medication this time!
Try not to dwell too much on her actions, or her nastiness for that matter....you know she is doing it to try and get to you. You ask what kind of person does that, the vindictive, unfeeling kind. Some people get caught up in behaving in a particular way, she probably doesn't even realise the impact this has, just as she probably won't acknowledge that hurting you by keeping you apart from your child is hurting your child too....it's a general lack of awareness...I have met others that are just like this and if you read through some of the posts here you will see that your ex is not unique, far from it!
As the others have said its really good you are talking about your feelings, it doesn't help to bottle it all up. ...you probably don't feel that you've made any headway but believe me you have, it takes courage to open up to relative strangers and I reckon you're stronger than you realise....well done!
Cheers mojo, as I said to others here there's so little in the tank. Every time I see a baby in a car seat I'm in bits. People asking me how's my baby, when is it due etc and I'm making up [censored] and bull stories.
I don't actually want to go back on pills as it's been 22 years on and off. I came off them because she said they were making me worse, then the moment I walked because of the horrible arguing she's saying I need to go back on. Mind games. For someone who thought my illness was such a huge factor she doesn't seem to be too bothered about how this situation is affecting me.
If she stops me from seeing my newborn in those first few moments after birth, I really don't know what I'll do. The advice seems to be from people in the know, family, solicitors etc is to just lay low, wait, don't harass and should she not come around hit her with a letter requesting legal mediation in the first instance then a parental responsibility order.
My head is shot.