[Solved] Regrets but need to move on

BM,

Please don't blame yourself for what happened. It's easy now to look at the situation back then with the valuable tool that is hindsight, and say "well, what if I had have done this or that, would it be different now?". The fact is, you will never know. What I do know is, you are a man that loves his son and indeed his wife. I can tell this through the way you post and the deep concerns you have about how others are feeling. Like I say don't lay the blame at your own feet for all of this because in reality you were a man that was just trying to hang on to what he had. No one wants to lose a family, a wife and son, and it's no surprise you tried to hang on to it.

The sad reality of this world we live in is the law is set up so that women can manufacture situations where they can allege DV, create a picture that they are victims, and can easily extricate themselves from relationships and try for a fresh start. It's horrific really, but the state enables it to happen. We just have to deal with it.

I like you, have direct experience of losing a fiance and a son. One day everything is fine, I have no idea a problem exists, the next day my fiance and son are gone. And when I get the chance to talk to my fiance I am told she no longer loves me. The sad thing is, she did not have the courage to sit down face to face with me and discuss her problems like an adult. Instead she just run off and left me. At the time our son was just 5 months old, and she was suffering with postnatal depression, and as much as I tried to support her, it just did not seem to help. She was on prescription drugs to battle the symptoms of her depression, but again I don't know how well that was working. In the end, I suppose our relationship did change over that 5 month period, and she just chose to cut and run in the hope it would make her better. It was all throw away to her it seemed.

We spoke after about 2 weeks after separation and she told me there was no possibility of getting back together. This was at the start of september 2013. I wrote her a letter trying to arrange contact with our son but she ignored me for 6 weeks. So although I had accepted that our relationship was over, and I was ok with that, I was not ok with trying to pushed out of my sons life. So in october, after I had offered her mediation, and been blanked, I sent a c100 to court. That's how my court journey started. I tried most reasonable things beforehand to get contact up and running, but the ex and her father thought they were running the show, and I just couldn't let that happen. I needed regularity of contact for my sons sake. My son now calls me "daddy", so I'm so pleased I put in all the hard work for him.

The thing is BM, this sort of stuff happens. It seems love does not last forever, and when someone is fed up and wants to leave, they really can turn nasty. It's just the way fear makes people behave, and they do what they can to feel free again. You just now need to take a step back from the situation, stop beating yourself up about it and get in the frame of mind of "Ok, let's do what needs to be done to get my relationship with my son back on track."

I know you are worried about the non mol and the dv allegations. That is normal. Look, I'm going to tell you now what my ex alleged against me, and realise that I now have full unsupervised contact with my son, overnight stays starting in april, and visiting my home in september (250 miles from where he and the ex live)

She really tried to make me out to be a monster, but I stood up to it all, and actually asked for a fact finding hearing to nullify these false allegations. My ex backed out of the fact find hearing on the morning it was to take place, despite her having a very good barrister paid for via legal aid - so what does that tell you. It tells you people usually don't want to be find out as liars, especially in front of a district judge.

But here goes:

She accused me of smashing a mobile phone to pieces against our bedroom wall.
She accused me of throwing a home telephone at her and our son whilst she was feeding him.
She accused me of kicking him in his bouncy chair.
She accused me of calling our son abusive names.
She accused me of threatening to hit our son if he didn't stop crying.
She accused me of threatening to "smash her face in"
She alleged she kept scissors in her bedside drawer as was afraid I would kill her in the night.

That's a pretty grim list of allegations to be made. It terrified me that I would have to go to court when things like this were being said about me, and that I would be questioned on it all and made to look like a criminal. But none of it was true, and I found the strength to follow through and battle to the end. I never budged, and I was minutes away from going into the fact finding hearing, until the ex backed out of it.

I say all this to put your situation in perspective. I know its alright for people to say to you, don't worry, it will all be ok. You will think but how? What I have told you should reassure you that bad things can be said, but it will not necessarily ruin contact.

Thankfully now, I am bonding really really well with my son. I see him every two weeks for an entire weekend. And as soon as I go to collect him, he comes to me arms wide and wants me to pick him up. He calls me daddy. I get on ok with the ex. The last court hearing was in october, and we haven't had one single argument since then, so things have really settled down.

Keep an open mind BM and take care of yourself, because otherwise you could fall part with worry and stress. Just focus on what is happening and now what could happen. I would wager a lot of what you think could happen, will not happen. So it's just not not needed for you to worry.

Talking on here will help you get through things.

Simon.

Simon, thanks for taking the time to read my post and your comforting words.

I wish I had your conviction and strength to challenge my wife's allegations. Based on the photographs and everything she has really been planning this one for years. I literally have nothing but denials to counter her.

I can handle the allegation and the lies what hurts the most is that she wanted to escape from me that much she created this whole thing. All this is concrete proof that she doesn't love me and I'll never have the future I envisioned for the 3 of us. That's the killer for me that reality.

I don't think I can ever move on from that. Even if I get my son back, which would be amazing, I don't think I can ever get past what happened with the wife.

BM,

I know exactly how you feel. The sense of loss you will be feeling is incredible. And what is worse is that you will be trying to figure out where everything went wrong and how you could have avoided it happening. It's a really really tough time. But have faith and belief that things will be alright. Time does heal, BM, it really does. You won't forget everything, but your pain will go away.

There were many times when I would desperately miss my ex and my son, and long for everything to be ok. I would question myself, blame myself. But no matter how much I did that, I was still alone. The only thing that kept me going was the desire to be with my son again. That little glimmer of hope was the only thing motivating me. I see my son twice a month, and he calls me daddy now. I'm sure you will see your son a lot more than I see mine when this is all resolved, so keep your chin up 🙂

Hopefully for you, sooner rather than later you will get a pattern of contact established with your son and you can carry on where you left off.

Simon.

Thank you and I wish you the best as well

Hi there, I see a lot of parallels with myself and you. My family left to but without any forewarning, just upped and left with me not having any ide what was in the pipeline. I was totally devastated. For months on end, I just came on here seeking solace and reassurance that things would get better. In truth, I just never thought they would, I thought words were hollow, advice of those who had been through the separation process but most importantly missing their child so much, I thought, well it worked out for you but it wont for me.

For 6 month I cried myself to sleep and as soon as I awoke. I would literally cry in the shower for half an hour before I went to work when I eventually returned. My words will sound hollow to mate I know they will but trust me things will get better. I have gradually readjusted to this pattern of seeing my child. Your sons love for you will be unconditional trust me. Try and view this process as a marathon, your at mile 1, you will feel like you will never reach mile 26 but you will. Sadly the mechanics of this cautionary system mean that you will complete the marathon in a time more likely by someone running in fancy dress than a world champion but you will get there.

Pass mile 1 by doing everything the court ask if that's where you end up. Tick every box and show them what I can see, a loving dad who's world has collapsed but ultimately the goal will be achieved and your relationship with your son will sustain.

I was on this site a hundred times a day at the outset. You need a break from it to sometimes. Eventually when my pursuit of a quick solution became less obsessive and I decided to stop coming on so much, my mood improved and my calmer acceptance yielded results and my progress has been quite good and mood wise I am in a much better place.

My mother told me to set small goals every day in terms of daily life. one was, watch a tv programme, pathetic I know but I did it every night after she said. Half the time, I took nothing in but eventually over time, my ability to function normally returned, that for now has to be your main aim. when you get to that point, your more likely to get the results you crave.

I still cry sometimes but less frequently and the episodes are much less in length. I don't even know if any of this makes sense but I am trying to reassure you that it will get better and over time, youll reach a degree of acceptance I promise which although still difficult will not dominate every waking hour as I can see it does just now. I know because not long ago, I was your equivalent.

Stay strong mate and private message me if you need to.

Hi There,

You are going through the grieving process, which is very similar to if someone dies, I know in your case no one has but it will feel similar, you will think what if I had done this or that would they still be here, the answer is no, by the sounds of it no matter what you had done, your partner would still have left, I wonder if she has some sort of depression after the birth, it's not un common to base the reason for feeling so low on the closest person too you in situations of depression.

To me it sounds hopeful that you will get good contact with your son, the fact that you partner/ex partner is wanting to set a contact agreement through court leads me to believe that she wants you in your sons life, she just has some feelings of fear about this so wants something in writting to be able to feel protected.

You will have to attend mediation with her before court so that you can try and find an agreement that suits you both before the court will look at the case, this will be a good time for the 2 of you to be able to talk, not just about your son, but maybe about the relationship breaking down, if you can understand how she was feeling and her reasons for leaving it will help you come to terms with things quicker.

As already said time is a healer, and you will be able to move on, you may not think it now, but over time the hurt will be less and you will be able to look back and see what you can do differently in the future. The old saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that is so true.

For now focus on your child and gaining a good contact arrangement you will get there it will just take some time.

Good luck and keep talking to us so we can support you through this.

GTTS

Non molestation hearing next week.

Would it be stupid of me to send her a letter via Her solicitors asking her to reconsider divorce. Not get back with me immediately but to give us a year or so to think about our problems and see if we can resolve them. In the meantime I could mention I'm attending various parenting courses.

Only after the hearing of course and via her solicitors. It means her solicitors will have to read a private letter but I don't care. We need to try for our sons sake

Mate.....
I think this badgering of your ex partner (and that is what it is now becoming) even through her solicitors, needs to stop.

I for one cannot see how she will even entertain getting back with you at this moment.

If you start talking about getting back with her even before the issue of contact with the child has been sorted, it will look to all involved (court, solicitors, your ex) as if your underlying motive is not the children, being unable to let go of the ex.

One thing is clear about women when the feel they want to move on and establish some freedom and control over their lives..... The more you attempt to hold on, the more ferocious and mean they'll get towards you.

You have now sent many, many letters and such to your ex and solicitors in a very short space of time. Some of them not necessary, as already advised by your own solicitor.

Be assured that ALL of these correspondence can be used to show badgering and psychological abuse.

Can't say it any stronger.... Cease and desist from sending correspondence to your ex and her solicitor of which the topic is not strictly restricted to the issue of contact with the kid/s.

Many on this forum have advised you as such, but you seem unable to heed.
We are only saying this for your own good.

The way things are going on, you are heading for more trouble..... in my humble view of course.

I know you're right.

I'm just lost and confused. My every action is driven by thoughts of my son wondering where I am and why I'm not by him. Before the split I spent the most amount of time with him and the thought of him just even contemplating that I've left him is killing me.

If my ex just let me see him or at least talk to him regular than these thoughts of getting back with her will go. I will only go back to her for him.

The not knowing what is happening is killing me

In think yopu've been given some strong advice above and you should take it, stop contact unless its about your child, your ex will use anything else you send against you and your case will be set back becuase of it.

The thoughts of being with your ex need to stop, you've stated the reason why at the end of your post above, the only reason you want to be with her is becuase of your child, that will never work and will actually have such an effect on your child if you did, your not (from what you've said wanting her back for the right reasons.

Get your contact sorted and then try and repair your relationship with your ex, I don't mean try and get back together with her, but repair what's happened and become friends so that you are able to have a good enough relationship (apart) so that your child doesn't suffer.

GTTS