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Hi, I am new to this forum so appologies if this is in the wrong place but im at my wits end with everyting. I am just after another dad of two children to tell me that everything is going to be ok. I recently left my wife after a decline in our relationship. I have also left behind my 2 year old son and 7 year old daughter. I am having all sorts of thoughts going on at the minute, "what am i going to do at christmas" "what do i do for my childrens birthdays" " what if they start calling another man DAD" AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... what if my leaving them is trhe biggest mistake of my life. I have been unhappy in my marraige for over two years now, I have been to counselling and I have been to the doctors (my wife beleived I was depressed, I think I was just miserably unhappy) I didnt find my wife attractive anymore (I know I sound a horrible person) but let me try and explain... before I met my wife I was with a girl that I thought I was madly in love with, I couldnt stop thinking about her, I had butterflies at the thought of seeing her everyday. After about a year she fell pregnant I was only young (about 20) and she was a few years older... anyway after going out and buying things for our new baby she decided to ring me one afternoon out of the blue and tell me that she didnt want us to be together anymore and that she was getting an abortion. This destroyed me, I couldnt get my head around any of it and even to this day it still hurts what she did. Fast forward a few years after going on a mad single mission doing what I wanted when I wanted, I saw my older brother settling down and having children, people around me was buying houses and having babies... thats what I wanted. I set out trying to find someone, but this time someone the complete opposite as what I had previously as I couldnt take being hurt like that again. After a few weeks of looking and not really going on any dates to find out what I actually wanted, I met a girl, beautiful, kind, caring, catholic... but there was something missing, i dont think i really felt a spark and after the first / second date I even questiooned whether I should continue, but I did. 3 years later we bought a house together... after a couple of years living as boyfriend and girlfriend we decided to try for a baby. Anyway I am rambling after a miscarraige we had a beautiful little girl (the miscarraige was tough to take) my daughte was born and there was some complications for my wife and my daughter.. we stayed in hospital for a week whilst my daughter and wife had some tests but all was fine in the end. 2 years later we got married, I asked my wife to marry me whilst we was lay in bed.. not really any thought behind it and looking back i feel ashamed... because although I had a ring it was lazy and not very loving to do it the way i did it.. I wouldnt be happy if my daughters boyfriend was to ask her to marry him the way that I did... she deserved more than that. After a year or so of marraige, we decided to try for another baby, 4 miscarraiges later, (again, really tought to take) we had a beautiful, handsome baby boy. Now before we had our baby boy I was starting to queston things between me and my wife, it felt asthough we was growing apart, I know children change things but Im not the sort of person that needs attention, it was me that was being distant and wasnt really wanting to be intimate with my wife... I still dont want to. I love her, she is good looking and caring and a perfect mummy to my children, so why dont i find my wife attractive, obviously its something wrong with me!... my eyes started to wonder and it made things worse. I am now living on my own and feel very lonely, wondering if I have made the right decision, I miss the routine of the family life, i miss my children, is that enough to stay... should I put my happiness on the back burner and stay for my children. As I say I love my wife but If im honest I dont think I am in love with her, but shes not nasty, she doesnt want to spend money all the time, she would never hurt me... so would it be so bad.. atleast I would be with my children.. anyway I am sorry for the long post but any help / advice would be brilliant...
Hi There,
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I guess only you can make the decision of what is right for you, maybe you need to take a step back and look at what you are missing, whether it's the routine, your children or your wife, is it's your children and the routine then it wouldn't be the right thing to go back, as it would be for the wrong reasons and before long you would end up leaving again.
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If you truly miss your wife, then think about maybe some counselling for you both to try and work through the feelings you were having, it would probably help your wife to know how you feel and to understand that aswell.
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GTTS
I think I would suggest some counselling too.
It's a tough one - loving someone / being in love with someone......everyone will have a different perspective......sometimes you need to leave to find yourself a bit. We hear a lot about a 'spark' and being in love.....in my experience, there's a lot to be said for loving someone and having companionship that is sustainable through the years. I guess you still have some soul searching to do and if you can't go to counselling together, it might be worth going to some on your own, or even try both.
Best of luck
I'll offer my tuppence worth but I'm no longer sure I make sense to anyone including myself :/
You haven't mentioned if there are any issue's regarding access to your children or if your ex is seeing someone else. From the posts I've read on this forum over the past 18 months things can (they don't always) go drastically wrong and what you thought to be a perfectly reasonable person can turn into a living nightmare - especially where children are concerned.
If you can keep things amicable and can move forward in your life then being with someone you no longer love may be the best solution for everyone. It is hard at first, dealing with the loneliness and uncertainty of everything but it can be done. It will get harder when new partners on both sides get involved.You have some hard decisions to make and only you can decide whether you are losing more than you will be gaining by going it alone. You've done the "single" thing, you've had some fun and possibly met people who wanted no strings and just fun. You still have that option and still have the option to find someone else you care about and can start a new life with. I've had a similar life and found that it doesn't matter who you're with, the rose-tinted-spectacles eventually fade and life becomes a little more "dulled".
Alternatively, you have the option of living your life with your kids around you, jumping on you in the mornings to wake you up, sharing special occasions with and everything else that is wonderful with being a parent. The cost, for you, is spending your life with someone who you don't love as much as when you first met them.
So here is my tuppence worth - whatever you decide, put your children first. They are already going through a hard time, they almost certainly don't understand why their life has been turned upside down and they didn't ask for any of this. They are innocent and deserve nothing less than two totally committed parents, together or apart. Be as amicable as possible with your ex and strive for as much peace as possible for your childrens sake. Some of the people on this site have awful stories to tell and when things get ugly, they really get ugly. The children and the parents suffer. Don't let yourself get in that situation if you can at all prevent it. And try to make an agreement with your ex that if you decide to stay apart that new partners have to understand that you had a life before them and that the children need to come first, despite any feelings they may have.
I hope things work out well for you and you make the right decisions.
maybe your girlfriend is a brilliant girl but your holding back making the effort. why is that? maybe you could go for counselling. maybe the issues of your first girlfriend aborting your child has affected you. only you can make the choice to be with your girlfriend ir not. on the subject of the kids you have moved out but dont have to forget about your kids. as long as its amicable between you and girlfriend then you could agree a schedule with her. i hope it doesnt turn nasty as mine did with my ex,lucky my kids are 19 and 16 now. its worse when kids are young.
One thing I would point out, there are a lot of stories on here about how things have gone badly at some stage, but don't forget, if things go well, people don't often seek out help or a forum, so there are tens of thousands of cases that we don't hear about where everything has worked out fine on separation.
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