[Solved] Really need advice

Hi there

We welcome all parents here and anyone with a problem can ask for advice and we will do our best to help.

Unfortunately, there’s little that anyone can do to make a parent take more interest in their child.

You mention his family, could you not speak to them and explain how important it is that your child has a routine and sees both sides of his family as much as possible. Perhaps you could arrange contact with them directly.

Have you tried talking to your ex about how you feel? If you rely on him to pick your son up, perhaps you could change the arrangements and drop your child off with him instead?

Without knowing more, it’s difficult to give specific advice, but I would say that sometimes a change of approach can help... being flexible isn’t such a bad thing, that said, I’m not defending him if he constantly lets his child down.

All the best

Thanks for getting back to me. So a bit more info-

My son is 9 months, My ex has always had his son from 10-5 on a Sunday. Any days he needs to swap, I have obliged. His mother also sees my son on Wednesdays, 10-5. She has a habit of cancelling last minute which I haven’t said anything about as I feel that it’s not her responsibility and I don’t want to make her feel pressured.

This weekend my ex can’t have his son. For the first time, I said that I couldn’t cover it as a Sunday is his responsibility and I have plans. His mum said she would cover the day. Today, I’m told she can’t have him as she’s going away for the day.

I’ve told my ex that this isn’t good enough, one of them will have to have my son as I have plans and it’s my day not to worry about childcare. He’s basically just said tough.

I want to come and go and be reasonable but I’m not happy with this. I think I might get some legal advice but I just wondered d anyone on here might have some suggestions.

As frustrating as it must be, I’m afraid that as you are the primary carer, your child’s needs override any arrangements you’ve made.

Seeking legal advice won’t change that, you can’t make your ex or his family have contact if they are refusing to.

Even a court order for contact states that the parent the child lives with must make the child available for contact, it doesn't state that the non resident parent must honour contact arrangements.

Your child is still very young, caring for him alone is hard work and I appreciate that you look forward to some down time, do you have family or friends that can help out?

It might be helpful if you try mediation to agree a parenting plan, you can explain that a defined schedule of contact is what is best for your child, settling into a routine will help him feel safe and secure. You can also point out that you also look forward to having a little time to yourself and would really appreciate being able to make plans without worrying that you may have to cancel.

It’s all about give and take and yes, flexibility does come into it too. Hopefully you will be able to work out a way through this and settle into a routine.

Best of luck

this is the most annoying part of arrangements. arguing on a weekly basis, schedules changing week-week. i could not tolerate that for long, so i took the legal route. atleast then theres a well defined and structured schedule for child arrangements. maybe you could both try mediation and come up with a good schedule to stick to. all depends on how reasonable you both are.

It really is annoying. I’ve tried the legal route before, he was going on about how I’d stop him seeing our son so I went to my solicitor and asked her to draft a document detailing how much mai tai emcee he paid, what days he had him and a timeframe for overnight visits to start.

I thought this was the right thing to do but he refuses to sign it. He’s said again this time that he won’t sign anything. I think it’s because he knows that the way things stand now, he can muck me about and there’s very little I can do, except stop access which id never do.

Even if he had signed the draft plan it wouldn’t have been legally binding, although it does show intent. What a pity he won’t work with you.

I guess you could try the court route, just to get the arrangement defined, but you would still have to attempt mediation first. If he continued to miss scheduled contact once a court order was in place, there wouldn’t be anything you could do, but if you stopped scheduled contact once an order was in place, you would be in breach and he could apply to have the order enforced.

I’m really glad to hear that you won’t stop contact, as that punishes the child too... most Dads here would give their right arm to have any kind of relationship with their kids.

All the best

Yeah you’re right. A court agreement would hold me more accountable than it would him, not that I mind that as I’m not planning on changing dates etc.

I just feel between a rock and a hard place. I’d never stop my son having a relationship with his dad but it appears as if I’m going to have to put up with both me and my son being let down by him and there is t really much I can do about it.

I’m also pregnant with my second baby (same father) and worry about him stepping up when she is born too. I’d love to have a good relationship where he can come round and put them to bed etc as it would help me but more importantly be good for the kids but I can’t see him being reliable enough. It’s so disappointing.

...it appears your split is fairly recent, without wishing to pry, or make assumptions, could it be that there’s some residual bitterness and hurt preventing you both from moving forward...that the passing of time might help to resolve?

Relationship breakdown can be likened to a bereavement and as with grief, it goes through various stages before acceptance is reached... denial, anger, bargaining... but there’s no set pattern and knowing your own phases of grief can help normalise your break up experience. It takes time, don't lose heart and be kind to yourself.

A fall back position might be in your best interests at the moment, changing your approach might break the impasse

I really do hope he will come round... all the best.