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Ive been with my partner for many years but as a long distance relationship and about a year ago we had our first child. She currently lives with her parents about 1hr30mins away and i live on my own. Whilst i was expecting her to move in once our son arrived she decided to stay at her parents and refuses to move in with me and wants me to move to the area where she lives, which is a possibility although i am currently self employed with a shop working 6 days a week and finanically would be a big strain compared to my current arrangements. To build on the situation, since our son was born my partner seems to have reduced contact and as the time passes it feels like we are drifting further apart [censored] she barely messages, doesnt ring or really tell me anything that is going on and is hiding things from me 🙁 Whilst ive tried expressing how im feeling, i cant get her to discuss anything with me to improve on things and over the last year hasnt spent much time with me and prefers to stay at her parents, which in turn has meant our son has spent nearly every day with her and her parents and hardly any time with me and my family. Whilst ive tried asking if he could spend some weekends with me but generally uses breast feeding as a reason as to why he cant, although for me i also see he is very attached to her and will cry if she isnt in the same room or when im holding him so something else to deal with..
I just dont know how to make this all work, to me i feel like ive wasted a year of our sons life and ultimately going to miss out on alot of things but i want to try and make it work and be a family but she isnt willing to discuss anything which doesnt help anything
Not sure where im going with this but might be better to try and talk to someone than just going over it in your head
Hi Kamui
You said at the start that yours has been for the most part a long distance relationship for many years. During that pre baby time did you every discuss the future, moving in together and starting a family.
It might be a good idea to write to her and put all your feelings down in a letter. I can understand why she might be reluctant to move away from her parents and the area she lives....but it does sound as if she might be quite dependent on them.
At a year old it's quite possible he is still being breastfed, but it should be more of a supplementary feed and he should be moving onto solid foods, which would allow more independence from his mother. He may seem clingy and cries for his mum when you are holding him but he may be picking up on your anxiety about the situation...it can be a vicious circle. The fact that you aren't seeing him regularly won't be helping either.
You could try mediation or Relate to try and start talking, you both need to sit down together and talk about your situation and what you both want for the future. If she is reluctant to talk to you then perhaps the assistance of a trained mediator or relationship counsellor could be the answer.
Here's a couple of links to both services
www.nfm.org.uk
www.relate.org.uk
Best of luck with it. 🙂
Thanks for the reply 🙂
We did talk about moving in together etc just sadly what i was lead to believe was the plan turned out to be something different.
I know that she is planning on putting him in daycare and that her parents are looking after him when she goes to work etc so hopefully he will become a bit more independent although its trying to sort something out that gives me and my family a bit more access/freedom but as there seems to be a lack of willingness to discuss feels like it doesnt leave many options 🙁 and then there are the things that i'm not being told about like what daycare he will be going to, when she is going back to work, and various other bits
Rather than start a new topic i might aswell use this...
Firstly, didn't realize it was so long ago when i did the first post and in these many months, alot and nothing has changed..
I think it was a couple of weeks after my post our son was diagnosed with health issues which, whilst still ongoing the main cause has been sorted. During that time the relationship ended due to the lack of involvement, communication etc which in turn you find out the hospitals dont really deal with the father and keep informed with the health of the child, so ive had a terrible time during all of this not getting to spend time with him or really know whats going on and having to keep chasing up everywhere just to find out whats going on.
Now whilst this has all being going on i havent pushed that much on everything apart from either trying to resolve the issues with the mother or just trying to get my own time with my son which is all generally ignored or refused. As she lives with her parents, she tells me i can come up to there and see him but im not allowed to take him out, have him on my own etc which means everytime i see him, it is spent with her and her family
A while ago i started doing a parenting plan on splittingup-putkidsfirst.org.uk which a couple of weeks ago i finished off and sent the requests to the mother, and like everything else is being ignored. I was looking at printing off a copy and posting it to her recorded along with a blank template but i don't hold hopes for it doing anything. I'm guessing mediation is the next step as nothing has worked so far, my question with mediation is, as we live a distance apart, how does it work/where do i go? will i need to find a service around her area as if i find one locally im almost certain she would refuse to travel for it (im guessing thats how it works?)
Hi, yes generally mediation (and court if it goes there) is generally expected to be near to where the parent with care lives, so it is going to be near the mother.
have you looked at this site as mojo suggested above? www.nfm.org.uk