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Ok, so Ive been asked to submit this by a work colleague. Someone advised her to seek advice on netmums....so please support my idea of using a more reasoned forum and one without a clear bias.
She's been incredibly supportive during my troubled times and shes beginning to have multiple issues of her own. Well to be honest I think they have just been noticed rather than appeared. We have a mini parent singles club, and somehow my desire to support my child has led to several questions about the status quo for these women - theres a dad too but to date that seems smooth.
Ill summarise below, my friend can be a dramatic pain in the [censored] and sometimes has to be stopped from "saying stuff" but she never lets it impact upon child arrangements of their daughter. Its more the teapot letting out steam.
So this couple, Tracey and Danny lets call them. They were (are) married living in the 3 bed semi detached, her husband has 2 children from previous relationships. 3 children, 3 mothers. Easily enough in todays world. He sees one but not the other (the son) so he has a young daughter of 4 and an elder of around 10ish. The spare box room was the elder daughters. So Tracey fully accepted Danny's past and brought him into her world. Shes filed for divorce recently as he kept refusing stating he wanted to pay for it, 4 years later, nothing.....
Whilst she was studying as a student nurse, and he couldnt find work (he did work but the business dried) she supported them all, sometimes having to buy him beer and fags and whatnot. She also tragically lost her father and he wasnt really anywhere to be seen. In the end she got him a job on her ward as a nursing assistant. Shes left and now works with me.
Anyway, summary, not paperback, they seperated when the daughter (the one in contention) was around 11 weeks old. They continued to do 'stuff' occasionally but not live together. Tracey allowed Danny to take daughter away from that early age and even overnights although not sure on this think it was around 4 months, was very early. And has to date, never stopped him from seeing his daughter. Even supplying him with gifts for her for at his house, or activities such as purchasing cinema tickets and giving them to him at handover. All purely to keep daughter happy.
They were sleeping together sporadically, he now has a girlfriend, and Tracey stopped this around 12 months ago now. Problems started from here. She still never interfered with contact and provided.
Danny, doesnt currently pay Tracey any CMS/money but does pay around £100 nursery fees per month. Which appears mutually beneficial so shes not overly keen on CMS application as he still pays for other 2 also.
This is the main opinion part.
Mum is struggling to keep up with the demands, she works full-time and works quite hard truth be told, I wouldnt tell her that, as her hard work makes my work life much easier.....
Recently she has asked for a couple of things, a new coat springs to mind and he refuses stating he has no money. However, he manages to go out drinking relatively regularly. He can afford protein powders and steroids.
The main issue appears to be contact.
They had an agreement that every other weekend (thurs or friday until monday) and 1-2 nights midweek, shared care. However, now mum has started asking for some regularity due to the little girl being old enough (4) to be getting confused. She understands his work has a rota that comes out 4 weekly, but he does have an accepted "family friendly" overview which should allow in the least for every other weekend. She, and Ive witnessed, has asked for at least 4 weeks notice then so she can at least inform daughter on a visual chart and whatnot. This was refused and has now gone down to 2 weeks, and still VERY rarely happens. He asked for attendance at a paediatric appointment and mum chose the clinic he preferred, he was too busy to attend. My opinion is that he likes his cake, he basically gets everything his way, she submits, sometimes with some verbal but submits because she sees as beneficial for her daughter. He is unwilling to change anything and blames mums attitude.
Recently he contacted mid week to state "although its my weekend I can only have her saturday", mum asked him to sort alternative arrangements out then as its his shared care weekend. He refused and stated that its not his problem she wants a social life. In my own situation, if I couldnt have my son on my day, Id sort the alternative, not just tell mum Im not arriving?
Our advice has been that this is bullshit and both she and her daughter are entitiled to some sort of routine and especially so if it is shared care, if he suddenly becomes busy shes not default carer. Which is the current situation, she cancels plans and what not.
FYI he gets "busy" choosing overtime at weekends or going out himself or away for the weekend with his beau.
Shes asked if he would like to go to mediation to draw up some routine, he refuses, mum has tried to be firm and state that if cant give some sort of notice and routine she will minimise contact to ones that can be met. Currently, he'll text day before and say "im picking her up from nursery" he can go 2 weeks without contact then want a full weeks contact. They live very close and he is a nursins assistant, with all respect, hes not that important to the running of a department or whatnot, so his business wont crumble if he doesnt.
Generally any complaint from mum is met with "well I will tell her when shes older that you stopped me from seeing her". She feels very stuck and very frustrated as she has no life unless someone is also free when he doesnt cancel arrangements. Moreso, the little girl is constantly asking "who's picking me up, where am I sleeping" She tries to be reasonable, Ive genuinely seen it, and he seems to play on that, he also seems to play on the feelings she once had for him. Shes even mentioned court as an option for HIM, in that she cant stop him seeing her but wants some form of routine and her not to be dropped when hes busy. Although, Ive also said this wont stop him not picking her up, itll only stop her not being able to refuse.
Ive assured her multiple times theres parents on this forum would love to have shared care with her.
Does anyone have any advice for her? Im at a bit of a loss.
OK, firstly, if she wants to come on this forum herself, she'd be made quite welcome, but no problem continuing with you posting for her if that's easier.
Hopefully, there will be a number of opinions, but here's my thoughts.
1. She needs to keep a written record of his attendance (or lack of) and dates when he was supposed to attend but didn't (and the reason given, and how much notice given to cancel), this could be useful later on.
2. I would say that contact needs to be cut down to the level that he can reliably stick to, with an agreement that it can be built up little by little, as long as he sticks to what is agreed. If he doesn't stick to the contact when built up, the it goes back to the baseline amount. I think she should also have a conversation with her daughter to explain that daddy won't see you as often, but he will come when he says he will - this is extremely important for her daughter as she does need to know when she is going to see him, without fail. If he objects, then there is the option of mediation, and if that doesn't work, then court - a court will understand that contact must be regular for a child's sake.
3. With regards to maintenance, has she worked out what he should be paying under CMS - if it's more than the nursery fees, then she has the option to open a case and have him pay the correct amount, or she can tell him what he should be paying and tell him that is he doesn't contribute the odd item on top of nursery fees, then she will open a case. Personally, as long as she doesn't lose out, then I would just go ahead and open the case anyway because that gives some certainty of how much she'll get (unless he loses/quits his job) - but there's nothing to stop her telling him beforehand that she's going to do that, just so he's aware it will be happening.
I agree with actd's advice here.
She can't force him to have contact but she can offer a rigid schedule that she knows he will meet and refuse to accommodate last minute requests to see their daughter. If he doesn't like that, he can attend mediation with her or apply to court. Very frustrating for your colleague though as it's very difficult to plan and explain to her daughter.
Hi There,
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I agree fully with actd's advice, when contact is cancelled it effects everyone, the child and the mother as you say.
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I have a similar issue with my steps sons dad, he will create when he doesn't get what he's asking for which is usually early pick up, but will drop contact if he has something else going on, he works in a hospital as well funnily enough and we are sure that he will accept over time on the weekends that he should have my stepson rather thn keep contact, but he then lies and says its something else.
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If she doesn't start getting strict then it will always continue.
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GTTS
She sees stopping contact if even last minute as damaging to the child
I disagree - children need certainty. I speak from experience here - originally my ex had an order granting contact twice monthly with my daughter, but she was constantly cancelling contact, and that was having a bad affect on my daughter. I went back to court for a variation - initially I was applying for direct contact to stop altogether, but I sat down with my daughter and asked what she really wanted (and to ignore my feelings towards my ex) and she wanted to see her mum, but not be messed about, so the order I actually went for was for contact once a month on a defined day, and for at least two weeks notice to be given for a change. That actually worked very well for my daughter as contact did happen on time for a number of months. until my ex decided that she couldn't afford contact and stopped coming at all - but those few months were a much better quality of contact for everyone.
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