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Hi.
I am a new father to a beautiful healthy young boy and it is all me and my partner (28 and 29) ever wanted. I was raised in care and my partner in her previous relationship had tried for a child for years but it did not happen (due to health issues) so it was a great surprise when I found out she was pregnant.
Well it has been 14 months now and we thoroughly enjoy being parents but it seems our [censored] life has come to a dry bottom. In fact it has become so bad it has left me feeling depressed and well ... my topic will explain it all really.
I have given her time and space, I take over the house and childcare duties every Saturday to ease the pressure on her and on a regular basis I try and help keep the house organised.
I know after birth her body has been through a dramatic ordeal and requires time to find herself again and I try not to rush things. I give her a neck, shoulder, back and leg rub EVERY NIGHT and do not use it to initiate [censored].
I usually don't pester, I always always am determined to remind her of how beautiful she is and how attracted I am to her without trying to be sexual (and it is hard). The reaction from complimenting her is either "YOU MUST BE BLIND" or she shoots me a looks of disgust to say "YOU ARE NOT COMING NEAR ME"
It also isn't about [censored] - when I lean in to kiss her - like a kiss goodbye before work - she turns so I kiss her cheek. If i ask for a more intimate kiss she immediately backs off.
We have [censored] about every 5/6 weeks - and usually this is just before she goes on her period and does it out of pity .... well that's how it feels. She would show no attention to me during [censored] and kind of waits for me to finish. In fact several times now I haven't been able to.
If we do have [censored] spontaneously it is on her terms - sometimes honestly I am not in the mood but I give in and run to her like a hopeless idiot. Once it is done that is it! I will try and kiss her but it is over. She just wants to sleep. Like an idiot I always think oh she is back to herself, things are better but then I am shut off again for another month or so!
I understand her body isn't the same (even though I find her body irresistible) and she always tries to do something about it for 2 days and then it stops, I try to motivate her but it is a no go. So i don;t pressure her because she will only say something spiteful to me to hurt me (usually I don't know how to love because nobody has loved me, referring to me being in care - but i know she don't mean it)
I moved out my home town which now means I have a 2 and a half hour commute so we can be closer to her family to help he. I have always try and arrange a date night and she is not interested. I arranged a surprise trip to Paris and the only time we had [censored] was once and I could tell she only did it because she felt like she had to.
When we first met I was in extremely good shape but during her pregnancy I gave it up to be with her more - so recently I have groomed myself more, lost a lot of weight, gained a lot more muscle in an attempt for her to find me more attractive.
I have made advances because I am a man and i do have needs. I try and suppress them as much as I can. I have turned to pornography but it has come to the point where it does nothing for me, I watch flick through for ages looking for a video that will turn me on and I find nothing. So i spend more time in the gym in my garage but if I don't release all my tension it just makes it worst. So I try and look for a video whilst sitting in my garage and nothing and the emotions build up and I cry sometimes.
I am an ex-police officer, counter terrorism specialist, worked as a body guard around the world and I am crying in the garage - i have lost my best friends growing up and didn't shed a tear but I just miss my wife. I have become more eruptive and aggressive and I am afraid that something like this has taken a toll on me so much
It has come to the point where i struggle to get an erection sometimes, I will watch porn and force myself do whatever possible and i would go flacid and keep trying and the only thing that has ever worked is remembering intimate moments with her .... but then it goes because I remember how she reject me all the time and I just cannot finish.
If I try and talk to her about it she either feels guilty with in turn makes me feel bad. Or I am barraged with mountain of excuses which I understand but she does not even want to help satisfy me.
I seriously am losing my brain, I have been more aggressive, more distant and am afraid of it destroying us - I just miss my wife and only want ex with her.
Hi there
I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, it must have taken a lot to open up about it.
14 months is a long time and it sounds like you have been patient and understanding and tried to support your partner.
Have you considered some form of couples counselling? It's possible to do this online or over the phone but I do feel it might benefit both of you to have a neutral and experienced third party to help you both through this. Here's a link to the Relate website where you will find information on what is available.
www.relate.org.uk/
It might also be worth talking to your GP about this, he/she may be able to refer you for furhter help...and it might also help to talk to your Health Visitor.
Good luck
Hi,
I agree with Mojo, I think you need some outside help here, Relate would be a really good place to start, you would have to talk to your partner before hand to explain how you are feelng and ensure that she feels this isn't just about getting your [censored] life back, but about gaining the felings you both had before the baby came along where [censored] wasn't an issue.
I'm sure the way your feeling at the moment, although you miss your partner so much there will be some resentment there towards her too, you will feel pushed away and hurt which in turn makes you feel less close to he, I know you love her that is clear from how you have spoken about her in your post, but I'm also sure that the love isn't as strong as it once was becuase of how you feel. Getting some help for you both would help as already said but if she won't go then it could also help you to go alone, this may give you some advice in how to handle your emotions towards your partner especially when you are feeling low.
There certainly isn't any shame in crying in the garage especially over someone who means so much to you.
Look for some options for counselling and talk to your partner, and keep us posted.
GTTS
....have you given any thought to the possibility that your partner may be suffering from Post Natal Depression (PND)?
This can often have far reaching, long term effects on all aspects of life after a baby arrives and might be something that's worth looking into.
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