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Hello all,
I apologise for this being a rant right now. I've tried to write it constructively 4 times and failed every time so I'm just going to embrace it for what it is. A way of getting something off my chest.
I can't talk to my family because, kind hearted as they are, they don't really understand what I see in my partner and I always feel like I'm being judged.
I can't talk to my partner because she is, to be blunt, very angry and prone to responding to a reasonable arguement with swearing, name calling and fingers in ears. But I love her.
My partner and I are arguing, constantly, because she believes my parents don't deserve to see our kids as they don't show much interest and they favour my brothers kids (debatable).
She's always thought this but just recently, with my partner being really stressed looking after a 1 and a 3 year old, there was a silly miscommunication and she blew up.
So now every time shes struggling, and she does regularly, she angrily and quite nastily blames my parents for not helping more. And when she's not blaming them, she's attacking me.
My problem with this is that never once has she said the same things about her own mum.
There's a lot of history there but one way or another her mum takes no interest in any of her grandkids, in my partners words, she doesn't give a toss about them.
She argues the reason she is justified in being angry with my mum and not hers is down to the fact that my mum spends time with my brothers kids. She does but she also spends time with my kids even if it's generally me organising it.
On what planet is the person trying to help and see the kids the bigger bad guy than the person who would happily sit in her front room and never see any of her grandkids?
The arguements are getting so bad because I'm the one who reconciles us 95% of the time but I just refuse to back down on this when I believe she's being completely unreasonable and she's taking out her problems on my parents. I've put up with her taking it out on me for quite a long time but I've got to draw the line.
Equally, she refuses to back down because she just claims I'm being biased, "one of them".
For what it's worth, I realise this is all a sympton of the real problem which is my partner being stressed but there's really not a lot I can do about that. I've tried.
So here I am, dreading waking up tomorrow morning because she's going to be in a foul mood again. It's interfering with my work because I just can't concentrate.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
If you made it this far, sorry again. I really don't think there's much to add. I love her and I hope this is temporary, I just hope I can stay sane and keep it together until then.
I'm going through a similar thing, but do have to agree with my partner in that my parents rarely ever bother with our children we have 3 boys and my parents barely so much as ask how they are. Yet they have my nephew nearly every day of the week and constantly take him out for days - buy him clothes, toys, sweets and presents which does really irritate both my partner and myself - but as per your situation my partner will spend all the hours of the day telling me how crappy my family are with the kids but never mentions any negatives from her side of the family such as her Dad who quite often forgets the kids birthdays, barely acknowleges the kids when we travel the 140 miles to see them, never calls my partner or the kids but dotes his daily life on his gandaughter who he lives close too and gets to see every day. How is it right that my family, as ignorant as they are, get ALL the flack(through my ears)?
I'll never understand how womens minds work and how they are always so blindsided and hypocritical - all i can suggest to you is too assure her, like i do, that you are a strong independant family who don't need outside help to raise your children.
I'll never understand how womens minds work and how they are always so blindsided and hypocritical - all i can suggest to you is too assure her, like i do, that you are a strong independant family who don't need outside help to raise your children.
[censored] mate, I think we all feel like this at times!
Can you take her out for the day somewhere, perhaps get a friend to watch the kids for a while, even a few hours so that you could maybe go see a film and get some dinner, and when she is relaxed (or at least more than normal) can you talk about how you feel and see if you can come to some sort of compromise? It sounds like the real problem is not that she is giving you grief about your family but that neither of your families seem to take much interest in your kids. Could you agree between you a strategy for both sets of grandparents?
Just a thought. Maybe not worth much but stick at it mate. Keep us updated and hope things get better soon. And remember if you need to rant, this is the place 😀
Firstly, I've been married 4 times since 1976 and it's taken me all of that time to realise 'some' important things about women and to be honest I never want to know it all - I must like hospital food! BTW I've now got THE most amazing woman and at 55 I've learned to talk openly and honestly - mostly!
It sounds to me as if this may be symptomatic of an underlying problem. Having had on or two in my time, things can often manifest themselves via all manner of routes.
So, to me at least, a successful future lies in finding out what the underlying issue is and addressing it. Many people say that being with someone is about standing toe to toe and gazing into their eyes etc. Personally i think that's shi*e and it should be more about standing side by side and presenting a common front to the world. This obviously can't happen if one party cannot be totally honest and 'perhaps' takes out their frustration on the other by what ever means they can, using whatever levers thay can find.
My advice, being old and stupid, is to get rid of the children for an evening and take her out. During the evening explain gently how the conflict is hurting and how you would like to get to the bottom of it to resolve it. She will prob start all over again so you listen and agree all the time that it needs resolving - very important. At some point you mention that you honestly have no idea how to fix it but really want to as its hurting you both very much. At that point you tell her honestly that you've been so worried about how things seem to eb driving you apart that you have investigated seeking independant advice from experts on how to deal with it through some form of councelling.
You'll need to explore what's available and talk to them first so that you can answer her questions. For me you have to show you are on 'her side' but simply don't have the tools to deal with it. If she suggests you cut off all contact with your parents you mention that that was one of teh options you mentioned on teh phone but they suggested that that wouldn't be best for teh kids long term but how about coming to see what the professionals think. THEN SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. When she speaks listen hard and reiterate how you agree it cant go on and how you want to solve it too. You mention that hundreds of thousands of folk go though this and most work it out. So, there has to be an easier way than tearing you apart. Ask her what she suggests if she doesn't agree? The fact is what ever happens you have to move on at that point so its the start of a long journey of support for both of you.
The very best of luck and let us know how it goes.
Take care
David
Hi rsdad
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through with your partner and your families. I agree with YorkshireDave and suggest that you seek counselling. If your partner refuses to go, you can always go alone at first, she may join you later.
Relate can give counselling through their website http://www.relateforparents.org.uk where they offer free Livechat online with a trained Relate counsellor.
I hope that you can resolve this issue because it isn't good for your childrens' self-esteem to hear arguments between you and your partner about their various grandparents not wanting to have anything much to do with them.
I hope this helps but do get back to us.
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