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Hi All, first time poster. So here it goes.
On the eveningTueaday 16th April, my now ex partner told me she needed some space and needed to go away for a few days. We had been bickering recently but incredibly minor, literally small things. Over our entire 4 1/2 year relationship there has been no aggression, violence of any kind and very rarely argued.
I understood and asked could she hold off for a few days, as she was supposed to be keeping an eye on my eldest from a former relationship due to a safeguarding issue while I was at work, on bank holiday could she have time then. I would of course look after all three children. She said ok. At the time the two small children where with a babysitter, as we had planned our usual "Us" time.
The Wednesday morning she went out, saying she was going to some nearby parks with a camera I got her at Christmas. She said she was taking £100 out of our account so the kids would be with the babysitter a bit longer. I said ok thinking nothing of it.
Suddenly, £2,000 was transferred to her personal account and I was blocked from all forms of communication. I have had no direct contact since. Some of her friends and family tried to reach out, but even her closest relative who loves me to bits couldn't get any information from her.
I have since learnt she has gone to a refuge, and she has been told not to contact me. I have absolutely no idea why, she and our children had a loving safe home. No reason to flee at all.
She does suffer from mental health issues brought on by a traumatic childhood. Lots of memories have surfaced, including ones she forgot. As she recently opened a case into historic physical abuse as a child, and subsequently interviewed. She had also recently stopped taking her medication, or kept going on and off.
The police did a welfare check and as far as they are concerned, where ever they are they are safe and well. Social Services have also said the same.
I have sent several friendly emails asking what is happening, and can we have some form of mediation. I desperately miss my children. But now I have been informed she has been told not to contact me, that's why I have had no reply.
I don't know what to do.
Hi there
This is so distressing for you and your children... unfortunately it’s happens more than you would think. She must have told them that she has been a victim of domestic abuse for them to have placed her in a refuge and stating no contact with you.
I would urge you to stop sending emails, she can quite easily get an injunction against you for harassment, she is being advised by women who are very experienced in the steps to take to stop all contact, they take what she tells them without question, so as far as they are concerned, you are an abuser and they are acting in her and the children’s best interests.
You've contacted the relevant authorities, you’ve informed them that she has mental health issues and has stopped taking her medication, there is no more you can do in that respect. I would also inform them that she withdrew a large sum of money from your account.
The next step would be to start court proceedings for contact with your children, if you can, get a good solicitor that is experienced in family law, that would be advisable.
As she is in a refuge, mediation won’t be an option I’m afraid. You will need to communicate through her Social Worker, that would probably involve using them to pass on the court papers. I must warn you that it is likely to be a very long process.
You could ask the Social Worker if they would be willing to speak to her about some form of supervised contact between you and your children. I would also suggest that her family members also contact Social Services to offer information about what a good father and partner you are and share their concerns about her mental health.
I would also suggest that you put a stop on any more withdrawals from the bank, if possible.
Stay strong SHDad.
that is terrible. I hope you are hanging in there. unfortunately, for some people, minor/petty issues are actually big. the next step for her will most likely be: awarded a council flat and a whole range of benefits to claim. try get that bank account frozen or shut down if it is joint, if thats possible.
as you dont know where exactly she is staying, i would suggest you get legal advice and get ready to file court application for child arrangements ASAP before you suffer more distress.
Hello Both,
Thank you ever so much for your reply, here are a couple of updates since my post.
- There is no update as to the reasons why she has disappeared with the children.
- Despite promises someone professional / social services would be in contact, I have had none.
- On advise of local social services, and the free legal advise line. I applied for a C100 to seek equal residence of the children, and due to the circumstances for the residing parent to disclose the residency of the children. As I have yet to be able to gain contact or mediate.
- I stopped all direct communication, and only responded to communication via one of her family members who has been liaising as and when she contacts them.
- Communication recently has been around payments towards the children, the mother stated she wanted to do things friendly and without Chlld Maintenance team. I made a token payment as a gesture of goodwill whilst I come up with a proposed weekly figure. I was then told by her that instead of payments, could I continue with paying for the car she has at the moment, and the bills that come out of the joint account. I agreed as it would have worked out the same anyway.
- Suddenly I received a letter from The Child Maintenance Service on Friday (26th) , so I have quickly come up with a payment arrangement and paid her directly a weekly figure. Via the family member she has agreed to the figure and said "Thank you very much", and the Child Maintenance Case has been closed today (29th). I await the letter confirming this before the second payment is made.
- I have also been forwarded a message telling me as "Reassurance" that an Early Care service attached to Social Services will be in contact, but it was taking time due to the "Circumstances". - Note I still have no idea what these circumstances are. I have asked for contact details and await a reply.
- She is unaware that our former babysitter is talking to me, as she is equally shocked and dumbfounded as me. The mother is also talking to her, but won't give any details as to why she has done this. The babysitter let me know today that the Police would be visiting with the mother to collect belongings, fortunately I have driven home as I can work from home. Again I have zero idea as to why she feels that she needs a police escort, I have never threatened, intimidated, or been violent / aggressive in our entire relationship.
Still trying to process all of this, but taking it day by day and trying not to focus on the future as that is uncertain. I'm no longer in fits of tears everyday, but very much on edge and tense.
Still trying to process all of this, but taking it day by day and trying not to focus on the future as that is uncertain. I'm no longer in fits of tears everyday, but very much on edge and tense.
my stage of shock and awe happened end of last year. now frankly i am just used to the stupid and malicious behaviour from other side. all i do is wait for next court hearing to report it, although i have feeling reporting it doesnt make a difference and mother is always seen as victim. lol@ police escort, what a waste of police time.
you should focus on your future. a family member told me to just think of my future, about building a new life (hopefully with a new partner) and dont let this incident break me.
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