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Hi.
I'm new here - posting a response to Simon's blog posting (Babymoon Take Two) after a friend emailed me a link to it.
In Simon's case both partners are willing to talk and dream about the future and ensure they don’t lose sight of each other. I’ve tried similar tricks before, taking my wife away for expensive self indulgent overnight breaks while her sister takes on the boy. I’ve managed it twice in two years and consider it a waste of time. It was good that my wife got to relax (not completely, as she was wracked with worry for the duration, but at least she got to indulge herself in spas and get some decent sleep), but as for maintaining relationships and making us stronger, it felt like a completely one-sided effort as it was all about her rather than about us.
The same can be said for my marriage. My two year old boy rules the roost, dominating my wife’s life completely, demanding her attention for much of the time, fighting me at every turn and even sleeping in our bed nightly. He probably behaves the way he does because she lets him get away with so much, and has even encouraged it. She doesn’t make any effort to teach him to stop, and refuses to put him down in his own bed, usually going to bed herself when she puts him down after In The Night Garden. We don’t really talk about anything (it’s usually defensive sniping in the rare moments we do talk), evening meals together are out and I’ll often come to bed on a night and he’ll already be there, in my spot, sticking two fingers up towards me as he sucks his thumb. I’m the baddie cop who tries to move him – but because he’s been indulged he throws a tantrum and my wife isn’t far short of joining him. I end up with a nightly choice - make it three in a bed and put up with his footballers kicks and tackles, or sleep downstairs, curled unnaturally on the settee.
I’ve got a joiner friend working on converting my tiny office into a box room for the boy. Inevitably this will make my working life more difficult, but although I’m pushing the job forward my wife has made it plain that she doesn’t intend on it being used for anything other than a toy store as she doesn’t want him crying on a night.
I feel like I am constantly investing in my family and my marriage – spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially… but unlike Simon I feel my wife has lost sight of me. I’m nothing more than a bit part, there to facilitate their lives. I do not mind that provider at all, but I really don’t feel anyone is there for me – and certainly not my wife. Worse, two years on and she’s started to take Pregnacare again – something I don’t understand as I’m downstairs or separated by the boy for most of the time – it’s starting to look like conception will be little more than a business arrangement this time around, and I’m not interested in that at all.
I didn’t think it was possible to feel so isolated and alone in a marriage. I’m at my wits end.
Hi
Have you spoken to your wife about how you feel? I think it would certainly be worth you both speaking to relate, and you have some persuasive argument to her going on the basis that unless you feel happier in the relationship, you are not going to want to father another child.
Hi there and welcome 🙂
...This is so sad and I'm sure more common than you realize. I think there are quite a few men out there that will relate to the way you are feeling. I know that doesnt help in any constructive way but you are talking about how you feel here and that is the first step.
As actd suggests Relate could be helpful to you both, they provide support and counselling when relationships are struggling
Your little boy is only two and I'm sure you have heard of "the terrible twos"....its true! They can turn into demanding little monsters that would try the patience of a saint! You probably work hard to provide a good standard of living for your family, and your sleeping arrangements also point to you not getting enough quality sleep... add to that your sense of isolation and loneliness and you have a potent mix that would bring the strongest of us to our knees.
Have you thought of trying some bonding excercises with your son, just father son time, no mums allowed. Take him to the park or to a play centre, take him swimming, teach him how to swim...the zoo or petting farms, I'm sure once you start looking for activities in your area you'll find lots that you could do together.
The one consolation is he's getting older all the time and his behaviour should mellow as he learns more social skills. If you make his bedroom an inviting place to be with his name on the door and lots of colourful pictures, his toys and his favourite teddy, just make it a space just for him.... It wont take long to "retrain him", just a little patience and consistency. For a few nights you'll get tantrums and tears, but just keep putting him back to bed with as little interaction with him as possible. Keep it up and in a few days he'll realize he cant win and he will accept the new status quo. Get him settled into a bedtime routine, a bedtime story and a cuddle!
It must be a joint venture though your wife must be on side for it to work. You could arrange a babysitter, book a table at a nice cosy restaurant and talk to her openly about how you feel and the things that need to change. Tell her just how detrimental sharing your bed with your son is for you.... the bedroom should be a place of intimacy and peace where the two of you can unwind and throw off the rigours of the day. Speak from the heart, ask for her help in getting things back on track.
Best of luck with it all 🙂
...Heres a link to the Relate website...... www.relate.org.uk