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I have suffered from depression since my teens (I'm now late 30s) and last Friday my wife asked me to leave and told me our marriage of 12+ years is over.
I have battled with my depression privately for a number of years, not really realising what impact it was having on my wife and two young daughters.
Recently it all came to a head and my wife (in not so many words) gave me an ultimatum. So I went to see my GP, I've been on anti-depressants since May, I'm on a diet and I'm on the waiting list for counselling with my local NHS. Unfortunately for me my wife has always viewed depression as a state of mind, and has constantly told me to just work through it and it's all in my head. She did ask me repeatedly to go see my GP, but for some reason (I genuinely don't know why), it took me far too long to do it. I did have some counselling about four years ago, but the person we saw them identified it as being marital problems, so we ended up in couples' counselling, which didn't really help, i think it missed the point.
However, my wife has spoken for a number of months about no longer being "in love" with me, and that the spark has gone from our relationship. Everyone I've spoken to says that it happens to everyone at some time, and that eventually you settle down into a comfortable and loving relationship.
On Friday morning she came back to bed and just told me it wasn't working and wanted me to leave, that day.
I've been living in my old bedroom in my parents' attic for the last week, but i'm really not coping. I know I put my wife and daughters through [censored] with my mood swings and anger (never violent though), but I've never felt a physical and mental pain like the one I experience every waking second of every day. I shake, I don't eat, I don't sleep, and my chest just constantly hurts. My wife was everything to me, and I don't think she realises that without her I would've been even lower than I have been. I know I took her for granted, and she's clearly had enough of that.
I just want to know if, and how, the hurt will ever stop. How do I get on with my life, how do I start again. At the moment I just don't know if I can go on any longer, I'm not at the stage of considering suicide (that wouldn't be any good at all for my daughters for starters), but I just don't see a way out of this absolute [censored] I'm in.
I'm seeing my girls on a Monday in the day time, Tuesday evenings and Friday night to Saturday evening at the moment, and every time I see them and leave them my heart breaks just a little bit more. I miss my wife so much, she has been the centre of my world since we started dating in 2000, and before that we were at school together from the age of 11. If she wants a divorce and to move on then I will have to accept that, but right now I just don't know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Hi There,
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This must be so hard for you, depression is not a state of mind, and when you have it, it's so tough to get over it without understanding and support.
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It's a shame so many people like your wife don't get how it makes you feel and the effect it can have on you. Like you when my relationship broke down I went spiralling downwards, didn't eat, couldn't sleep and constantly felt like I was trawling through mud, as much as it doesn't feel like it, things do get better, its a slow process but gradually when you drop your girls back, it won't hurt as much.
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I would get an appointment with the doctors again ASAP and discuss how you feel with them again, there muct be a way to rush your referal through for counselling and I think you need this to help you get through, the doctor may even adjust your medication to help you get through as when they prescribed you were in a different place to where you are now.
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Get an appointment with the doctors as soon as possible.
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Many of us here have been through depression and know how it feels your not alone.
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GTTS
Thank you. I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully he can help get things moving.
hi,
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Thats good news, just be completey open with the doctor and tell them how your feeling.
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And stick around here and chat too
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GTTS
Hi MJ
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling, it's good that you have another appointment with your GP tomorrow, let's hope counselling can be fast tracked for you.
You mentioned that you are staying with your parents, it's important that you talk to them about how you are feeling, if you keep it all inside it will make you feel worse. It's great that you have found this Forum too, there are lots of members here that can understand how you are feeling and hopefully offe advice and support.
I would also like to suggest the Samaritans if you are feeling low, everyone I've spoken to that has contacted them has only good things to say about the support they offer...just don't suffer in silence.
It will take time to adjust, but as GTTS has said, it will get better. Try not to concentrate on what might happen, take it a day at a time. If you're having trouble eating then hearty soups are easy to digest...the basics are so important for you right now. Exercise is also important, you'd be surprised how it helps, not only with appetite but with insomnia and also self image.
On the plus side, you are seeing your children regularly and as you start to feel better they too will benefit...you need to stay strong for their sake as well as your own.
As GTTS said, you are not alone and we will try and help and support you as much as we can.
Thank you for your kind words. I know that I need to find ways to drag myself up out of this hole. I am talking to my parents most evenings (sometimes too much), but having depression has left me with a very minimal circle of friends, and I could do with an objective view as well. Hopefully this forum and a couple of others will help me in the right direction.
Hi,
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when it comes to food, I found in the end little and often was the best for me, if I ate too much I would feel sick and it wouldn't be long before I was seeing it all over again.
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Small snacks seemed to work for me when I was feeling really low.
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And as Mojo has said excersise you may not really feel like it, but any type of activety can help even a brisk walk.
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GTTS
Hi MJ how did you get on at the GP?
2.30 this afternoon.
Hitting the road for a weekend away straight after. I hope it'll help clear my head, but it was a lonely feeling packing my bag for one. And simple stuff like not having my wife there to check I've remembered everything!!
A weekend away might do you good, it's not a magic wand but it's a positive step to get a break from it all.
The routines of packing and having someone there to check will fade in time, there's a grieving process to go through and many of us on the forum have been in your shoes.
Good luck at the GP and enjoy your weekend away.
The GP helped a bit, she spent a bit of time ringing the local NHS mental health people. They gave me a call back but typically couldn't find me in the system, so I have to ring back on Monday with all my details etc.
I had a good long conversation with a guy from the Samaritans last night, he was a good help too. Unfortunately now it's morning and I'm back to square one. Hopefully it will ease as the day goes on.
If anyone's interested I've started a blog just to get my thoughts somewhere other than in my head...
http://diaryofadepresseddad.blogspot.com/
Hi there
I've just read your blog and I do think that this will help you to bring your feelings out and to deal with them. You have support from work and you are able to talk to your parents, it's reassuring that you are not entirely alone, although it may feel that you are.
I think we are all guilty of taking things for granted and you speak many truths that others will relate to in your blog.
It's a tough time for you right now, the wounds are still so fresh, but they will heal and you will get through this. The break up of a relationship mirrors the stages of grief and as you point out, you are grieving, this too will fade with time ...the final stage of grief is acceptance and you will find that in time too.
Try and take some enjoyment on your road trip over the weekend and just remember to be kind to yourself. The Samaritans are always there and sometimes it's easier to speak to strangers, I'm glad that you were able to get good help from them. We are here too, keep talking. 🙂