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Morning all,
Sorry for a long post but want to give as much information as possible...
So up until last June I was in a 19 year relationship with my ex partner who is the mother of the two children (Girl aged 9 and Boy aged 7). Between 2021 / 2022, her dad died of stage 4 brain cancer, she went back to work part time, got diagnosed as having Inattentive ADHD (if you can call it a proper diagnosis) and starting exploring her Bi side which I kind of felt forced into allowing her to do for the same of keeping both parents of our children together. Then at the start of June 2023 my ex came home from work one day and dropped a bombshell on me. She said that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me or anyone else and didn't want anyone to have to rely on her (not that we had been for the past two years if I'm honest). Bare in mind that it had been me struggling to pay the mortgage and other bills since our children were both born and even once she was back at work! She also said she wanted to sell the house asap and have the kids live with us both 50% of the time. I was gobsmacked and didn't want to rush into a decision on selling the house etc and really wanted to keep the house as a family home for our children. Over the next few weeks she would come home and keep going on that we need to sell the house or I buy her out. I did look at buying her out which I could afford to do, however then I wouldn't have much money to do anything else with my life or take my children places etc once you factor in I would have to pay her child support!
My head was all over the place hearing this and I was really struggling to cope so I started hitting the gym again to keep my mind occupied and give myself a lift when I could. I also got free legal advice and counselling through my employer which has helped quite a bit. Myself and the ex continued to live in the same house together as neither of us could afford to live anywhere else. As a result of this we would have set nights where one of us could go out so I got a social life back which also really helped. Around October 2023 I felt comfortable enough to start dating myself again although i'm now beginning to think I shouldn't be (shall explain why further down). Dating again felt so weird but I did actually meet someone who was a breathe of freshair who i'm still seeing now. Once the ex found out I was seeing someone else (even though we had split up many months prior) she didn't want to sell the house.
Since the start of this year I had either found myself sleeping at a friends house on there sofa or one of my brothers house in a spare room or at the new girlfriends house. All of the options meant that I couldn't have my kids with me so couldn't have the kids 50% of the time either!
Up until last month I would be with my kids for about a few hours on 2 / 3 nights during the week at my own home where the ex currently lives with the children while she has a few exercise classes etc / social evenings so would do them dinner and put them to bed and leave once the ex got back. Every other weekend the ex would go and stay at a friends or family's house so I could spend the weekend with the children. I'm grateful I have been able to do this but it's been a rollercoaster of emotions doing it like this, especially with so many memories in that home and I found it extremely upsetting leaving my kids there on many occasions.
My girlfriend has two grown up kids of her own (21 & 19) they don't need her as much as my children need me. She understands that my kids come first much like I know her kids will come first over me and I wouldn't expect it any other way. My current girlfriend is very insecure in general in herself even though she doesn't have any need to be in my opinion. Being insecure she often wants to be around me constantly which is sometimes too much for me.
Having two younger children together with my ex we often still talk as we help each other out with our children and will continue to do so whenever needed which also puts a strain on my new relationship. I often get her saying to me that i'm doing everything I can to help the ex live her life and have an easy life. I get her moaning about paying child maintenance and the mortgage and then also spending my own money on my children when I take them out anywhere. I want to see my children as often as I can but sometimes I often feel guilty for doing this.
My parents from the start of October had two spare bedrooms so I have started having my children there a few nights a week now which I thought would help her. However it has made her worse in my opinion. At the moment I'm sleeping on a camp bed when I stay at the parents and my children sleep in a double bed (need to get them to sleep separately again). Over the past month I have had her moan at me for taking my kids clothes shopping and not buying her anything as in her words everytime she goes anywhere I'm the first person on her mind and she will get me something (even though I keep telling her not to). My children have after school activities so I often have to take the kids to and from these and drop them back home before I then go back to the girlfriends house and she often complains about this as she feels like we don't spend enough time together. So currently every other weekend I stay at my parents with the kids (Friday / Saturday / Sunday), I take them to / from school on a monday, tuesday and wednesday (now the ex has started a new job), also after school clubs on Tuesdays or Wednesday evenings before I have Tennis lessons / pub quiz. This means the rest of my time outside of work is spent with her so she is currently getting all my free time.
I have had the current girlfriend say some of these things to me:
Moaning about not spending every bit of time with me when I have my kids. She mentioned this as she had one or to friends who spend all there time with new partner including the kids. I've explained just because they do it one way doesn't mean I need to.
- She feels like I don’t want her around my kids or for me let kids to get attached to her! Yet I do invite her to do things with us on some of our weekends.
- Says she feels pushed out of my life when not our weekend together as she isn't always invited to do stuff with us.
- Says she needs reassurance and to be part of my life! How can I reassure her when I'm getting moaned at for not spending all my time with her is what I often think as it now beginning to make me feel like I want to see her less.
- Says she is a people person and wants to be around people at the time so struggles when not with me.
I'm beginning to think that I'm not the right person to be with the current girlfriend and get the impression from a few other male friends in similar situation to me that any new partner feels like the above making me think I'm probably better off being single which I don't think would bother me that much as I do prefer being along most of the time anyway.
Sorry for rambling on but you can probably take from the above my life has been a rollercoaster over the last few years and doesn't seem to be getting any easier and I'm lost in a way as regardless of the current girlfriend and how she struggles with me communicating with the ex and what she sees as a lack of time spent with her, I'm not willing to spend less time with my children or not be there for them at all. My children come first no matter even if that is hard in many ways. I should add the current girlfriend says she is happy for me to be there for my kids but it's getting to the stage where I worry if plans have to change with how she reacts.
I guess i'm after advice, does it get easier with new partners when you have to communicate with an ex? As currently I'm beginning to think I should start having my kids around her less so they don't become too attached to her and maybe I should just call time on it for my own well being too as I can't have to continually worry about how she will react to any sudden or unexpected times I may need to be there for my children.
Thanks,
Darren
Topic starter
Posted : 18/11/2024 12:59 pm
hi,
I think your right to give priority to your kids. your partner should have expected this when she signed up so to speak. If it helps, you could consider taking a break from her.
Posted : 18/11/2024 1:59 pm
Hi,
Thank you for sharing your situation and what is evident is just how much you love your children and want to ensure that everything you do is good for them. We also need to ensure that you are also looking after yourself. DAD.Info is part of the charity Spurgeons and within our digital family hub we have a number of resources which you may find useful. Firstly, we have a Parenting after Separation course which you may find useful: Parenting after separation course | Separated parents course
For the relationship with your new girlfriend you may also wish to review our Healthy Relationship wheel: Healthy relationships wheel | Spurgeons
Only you will be able to work out what you think is best for you and your children, but we hope these resources will help in some way.
Posted : 19/11/2024 9:24 am
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