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Hello, I am looking for advice and potential suggestion.
Here's my story and synopsis:
My current girlfriend, (SO) and I have been dating for almost 2 years. We are deeply in love. She has two kids previously, I have one 7 year old son.
My SO and I are understanding, patient, respectful, caring etc with each other as well as with our situations with our kids. We do keep the best interest for our kids in mind almost 100% of the time.
Yesterday, I went to my sons moms house to work on a scout project with my son and his mom. This project took us approx.. two hours of work and effort. When we completed for the evening I called my girlfriend to let her know I was on my home. She acted angry and continued to put me down about how I always do weird things for my son. I asked her what was weird, she said to go and hang out at my sons moms house to do this project. She then said that no one does this. She said if I were to tell all my friends about this they would all disagree with and think that is weird. I didn't want to say too much to her as I could tell she was angry about it, but didn't want to let it go as I could tell she was bothered about it. I feel it is important for us to communicate about the good and the bad, even if it is tough to talk about. I have only been over to my ex's house maybe five times in the last 4 months, and my SO was with me each time except for one time when I dropped my son off. My ex and I do not talk on a daily basis sometimes about once or twice a week and it is specifically about our son together and only via text. My SO does not agree that I should ever be around my ex, (with my son), she finds this weird. So, I know this bothers her and I respect her wishes, the only time I am with my ex is when we are exchanging our son, or at a scout or sports event. I know my SO hates my ex, but sometimes I wish she wouldn't be so negative about the situation and/or put me or my son down about it. In June of this year, my ex and I had a joint birthday party. My SO was upset that I would be around my ex, she made comments like, who would actually have a joint birthday with their ex, who would put their kids through this, who does these kind of things. The birthday was in a public place with extended family from both sides present. My SO could not be there because of a prior obligation.
My question is this, is my SO in the right to be concerned that I have spent time with my sons ex while we were partaking in an activity or event for our son? Is this common for ex parents to both be present with their kids? Is it common, if both ex's don't mind to have one or the other over at each others house, to partake together in their sons learning? I want to always keep my children first, but I also don't want to do anything to inflict hurt onto my girlfriend. What should I do? How should I address?
Last note, my ex and I are not friends, we are friendly to each other for the sole purpose of being civil for our child together. We do have a common understanding about not badmouthing each other in front of our son. I do not mind partaking in events with my sons mom involved. I do not mind if my SO is involved with her childrens ex's.
Hi and welcome.
I think you have your question wrong - you already know that SO shouldn't be concerned. I would say the question is more why is she concerned, and I would guess that she doesn't feel totally secure with you, and sees your ex as a threat still, so communication between the two of you is extremely important. It might be worth considering going to Relate - not because your relationship is in trouble, but more so that you can have someone independent who might be able to facilitate a conversation between the two of you with some carefully worded questions.
In answer to other points, there are plenty of broken marriages/relationships where both parents are able to work well with each other for the benefit of the children, and even to be friendly towards each other once the pressures of the (bad) relationship have been removed.
hi there,
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I agree with actd, this is more about why you SO has these feelings of jelousy. It is a natural if irrational feeling for her to have you and your ex have history and a child together, and to know that you are spending time together clearly effects you SO. I agree that if you can't talk about things between you then some coupls counselling could help her to understand her feelings and be in better control of them.
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I guess with lots of people when they break up with an ex, the throws of the end of the relationship leaves thme with no desire to want to be in the same room as the ex, but it isn't un common for couples to seperate and thne manage to put the history behind them and be able to be friendly, or even friends, either for the sake of thier child or just becuase they are in a place where the hurt has gone and they can be comfortable.
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I wonder if your SO would feel the same way if you were spending time with any other female or if it's just your ex she has the problem with, she is saying it's not natural for you to spend time with your ex, but this could just be a front as you are spending time with a female (for your son I understand) jelousy is a horrible thing and if you are someone who feels it strongly (as I am) then it can eat you up and you struggle. Try and talk to your SO and suggest that you have some sessions where you can talk openly about whats happening and try and address them so that even if she doesn't like or understand you spending time with your ex and son she can be ok with it.
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As said if you aren't able to do this alone then consider some counselling.
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GTTS
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