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Hi.
I am a new dad aged 56. My beautiful son is now four and a half months old. My lovely partner is 39. I am from Ireland and have lived in UK for over 30 years. My partner is from London originally. We live together.
We met in April 2011. A whirlwind romance and before we knew it she was pregnant.
After moving in together in Nov 2011 I started to realize the extremely strong bond between my partner and her sister. They had a rough childhood to say the least which resulted in this bond.
They speak virtually every day by phone. They see each other at least once a week. It feels like they are in each others heads a lot. I get the impression that their relationship is paramount and everything else is secondary.
It feels like my partner is two timing me and the other person is her sister. It feels like three people in a relationship.
Incidents happened after the birth of our son where the sister disrespected me as a father and as the man in my house. This angered me and I expressed this to my partner. My partner then did not allow her sister to come back to our house again. However, when they see each other my baby son is with them. So now, the aunt of my son sees my son, but their is no communication between her and me, the father. Also she spends two days per month looking after my child without my permission.
I feel like I am up against two people. I feel like I am being bullied and walked over.
My partner who has been in therapy for years, tells me that I am projecting my childhood anxieties and emotions onto this situation. I say maybe there is some of that, but we also have to deal with the here and now.
I believe that their relationship is now damaging the relationship with my partner.
Can anyone relate to this situation?
...I think you need to keep talking to your partner and if possible, it might be helpful if all three of you could sit down and try and talk it through.
Your partner is not against you or she wouldnt have banned her sister from your home, it shows she has listened to your grievences and tried to do something about it. I think that this action has turned out to be counter productive though, and has only caused you to feel isolated, as they are continuing their relationship away from you...I think this is making you feel insecure.
They are sisters and as you say,they are very close. It would be a mistake to try and come between them or to expect your partner to choose between you.
Try and clear the air between the two of you and start again, you're partner would appreciate the effort you're prepared to put in to put things right I'm sure.
You obviously love your partner lots and cant help feeling a little jealous of sharing her with anyone else! There really is no need for you to feel this way, as your relationship with your partner is very different from that of your partner and her sister. You and the sister have more in common than you realize...you both love the lady in question, and both want the best for her.
I once went out with a twin and he was sooo close to his twin sister that I used to feel like a spare part when they were together. I admit to feeling jealous of their closeness, but I also realized that it was my problem not theirs. They had shared their whole lives together, they shared a womb for goodness sake!! 😆 ... I just had to learn not to take it personally. It wasn't easy but recognizing it was my failing helped me to resolve it. The relationship fizzled out after a few months, but it wasnt anything to do with his sister!
Good luck!
First of all, Congrats new Dad.
I agree with NannyJane never try to come between sisters, especially as your partner is so close to her sister.
It's normal for new dads to feel a little isolated and left out after the birth of baby, this combined with the relationship your partner has with her sister I would imagine makes it tougher on you. I would imagine that you partners sister is finding it tough as well.
Try and clear the air between the two of you and start again, you're partner would appreciate the effort you're prepared to put in to put things right I'm sure.
This is a brilliant plan, talk it out, smooth it over and get the sister on side. She can be a great support for you and your partner going forward - it's always helpful having close family around, especially with a new baby.
I have had issues with my partners family in the past and trust me - winning them over, back on side is the only way to go.
Gooner
My wife is very close to her sister, and if she's over here visiting, I don't get much of a look in. It's just something I accept - it's not a reflection on me, it's simply that my wife and her sister grew up together and miss each other when they're not together whereas I have my wife's company every day, so who knows, perhaps my sister-in-law is envious of me ;;)
Hi Nannyjane, Goonerplum, actd and Dad info community
I am grateful for your responses, acknowledgments, sharing, advice and support.
When I first posted almost 4 weeks ago I was desperate for help. Now things have calmed down within me. I am not angry and feeling like a victim. I am now more accepting of the situation. Accepting of the sisters relationship.
Also my partner has changed and we are getting on better together.
I recently went back to my therapist. Also had a tarot reading from a reader I respect. I also spoke to my brother and sisters
These acknowledgements of my situation and support from you guys and the reader, therapist and family have all helped me to get to a place of relative peace within regarding it all.
My dream of just me and my partner together as a family was shattered. Now I accept this different situation and have peace within.
Thank you all, and thank you Dad info for being there
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