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Evening folks,
Last weekend, I took my 15 year old son on Friday night as per the agreement with my ex. She had messaged me a couple of days prior telling me that he had been giving her agro and not doing as he was told etc. He had stolen a couple of items from her and her partner then lied about doing it etc. She stated that she had had enough of him and couldn't carry on like this.
I picked him up and had some stern words with him regarding the stealing, backchat and general behaviour which appeared to sink in and he appeared genuinely remorseful. So, Saturday lunchtime arrives and I go to drop him off at his Mums as per our agreement and she is not in. I messaged her and she said she was away shopping and that my son could not live with them anymore and that "He was my problem now".
I have a partner of some years and have a 3 year old and a week old baby with her. Obviously, this situation did not go down well with her at all!
Messages were exchanged with my ex wife regarding the situation (She kept cancelling my calls) and she and her partner are refusing point blank to take my son back into their home.
Normally, this would suit me down to the ground as I would live to have my son stay with me all the time. However, my partner has stated that he can stay when I am at home, but when I am at work (offshore) he cannot stay due to his school being so far away, my partner having a week old and a 3 year old to loom after and the fact that my son has been known to be problematic in the past. She has stated that he is not her responsibility and that she should not have to look after my son while I am away. This may appear harsh, but I do understand where she is coming from. She has had no say in this (nor have i) and my son has basically been dumped at ours. My partner has just had a baby, we have just moved house, her grandmother has taken unwell and my father passed away a few months back. All that coupled with this is now pushing us to the limit!
I am due away on Monday but my partner has said my son can't stay and my ex is refusing to take him back. My family cannot look after my son either can my ex's.
I literally have no options left apart from not go offshore and that will just lead onto financial issues so as far as I can see, I'm screwed.
Just a point to note, my ex done this to us about a year ago also as my son was playing up and she just washed her hands of him. Seems like any time he plays up she just throws her hands up in the air and says he is my problem!?
Any advice would be appreciated as I am completely stumped as to where I can go from here?
Thanks,
Hi There,
How does your son feel about this, it must be unsettling for him, where does he want to be?
If he is happy to be at either home, maybe he could speak with his mum and her partner and tell them he is sorry, it could be a way forward that you make an agreement that while you are away, he stays with them, but he stays with you while you are home, maybe the idea of a good break regularly would suit your ex and her partner more
GTTS
Your ex is going to have to accept that teenagers are blooming hard work. What are the alternatives if she refuses to let him home? Children's services? Is she really going to want that?
As GTTS asks, what does your son think about this?
Could you agree to share residency when you're on shore? That might ease things a bit?
Hello guys,
I offered my ex the option of taking my son while I am away and us taking him when I am home but she and her partner dismissed this straight away. They are arguing that they have "had to put up with him" for the past four years so now it's my turn!
I am slowly being backed into a corner here. My ex and her partner have both said if we cannot look after my son full time then I will need to call Social Services to get them to sort it all out. As a father, I cannot do that! He is my son and while he can be a little sh*t when he wants to be (like most 15 year olds I suppose) his actions do not warrant being put into care!
My only other option is to not go offshore. I am employed to work away and if I do not go, there is a good chance my work will go down the disciplinary route which could end in dismissal?
I am stumped!!
Thanks,
Scotty.
Not sure if this would have an affect, but are you paying maintenance, and does your ex work? If so, you could let her know that you will be claiming child benefit and putting in a claim against your ex for maintenance? That might make her think twice about whether she wants to lose the money - it's a bit desperate, but I can't think of anything else offhand.
Hi,
Yes, I pay maintenance every month to her (£400) and she works full time. We are not entitled to child benefit due to my wages, but this is something that my partner and I did discuss.
I am calling a solicitor tomorrow as a couple if folk at my work mentioned about parental law and the responsibilities that the mother has so I just want to see where we stand from a legal perspective also.
It's so frustrating as my partner and I are willing to take my son when I am at home which would give my ex a break for 3 weeks.
Frustrated!!
Thanks,
Scotty.
Hi There,
You would be entitled to child benefit, as all parents can claim this no matter what they earn, your ex would be claiming it at the moment, so she would lose that and also need to pay you child maintenance.
GTTS
I’d give anything to be in your position 🙂
Your boy is 15, not long before he turns into a man, and this could be a unique opportunity to really bond with him and make a positive impact on his life if you’re so inclined.
Yes, it does mean loosing your job, but you’re not going to be thinking about that on your deathbed. Jobs come and go, a boy becoming a man is something you only get once.
I know someone who used to make £100K/year who gave it up to be the main carer for his boy, he now lives on benefits and says without hesitation, best decision he ever made.
I gave up 40% of my work hours to be able to look after my boy, and sometimes I do wonder if I should have gone further.
Last week he spontaneously told me, “I love you Pappa”. Nothing can pay for that, best decision of my life.
I get what you are saying but to give you a bit of background:
I am only recently back in work. I was made redundant and got into a lot of debt. Horrendous debt if I am being honest.
I have a 3 year old son and a week old daughter to my partner.
My partner no longer works due to childcare costing almost as much as she earnt.
I have a responsibility to my 15 year old but also to my other kids and partner. I have to keep s roof over their heads and food on the table. Losing my job is not an option, either is reducing my hours. In fact, I need more hours!
As you said, my son is turning into a young man so he should be able to behave himself so as not to put everyone in this position.
I have said to my ex that I will take my son for the time I am at home but she is point blank refusing.
If only it were as simple as sitting at home watching him grow into a man. He says often that he loves me and I tell him the exact same every day.
Thanks,
Scotty.
We called them and they said due to my salary we would be entitled to it, but would have to pay it back?
Thanks,
Scotty.
Hi There,
Sorry, I wasn't aware that it was wage dependant
GTTS
I would take the initiative and call children services yourself, explain the situation you’re in and that as far as you’re concerned, the mother is threatening to abandon your son and as you work away there’s nothing you can do about it, explain that you’ve offered to have him live with you when you’re onshore as a shared care arrangement, but the mother is refusing. Ask them for advice and if they can intervene with the mother.